Category: Uncategorized

Today was an intensely emotional day as the familiar feeling of anxiety rested on my upper chest. I was aware of the intensity of the days we have had up to this point and that combined with not a lot of alone time, jet lag and a diet lacking fresh vegetables was bound to catch up with me. Even though I am very aware of these things they still have to play themselves out, there is not escape from the human condition but I can use my spiritual practices to help myself digest what is actually happening in the moment as well as have compassion for myself during this intense time.

The emotions that have been stirred up over these last 5 days or so are not new but the way in which I am experiencing them is. To be in a place where people offer me so much love and joy with such open heartedness and truth is like coming home to that place in myself that I have had to fight for my whole life. This was an exhausting way to live for 30 years, but it is equally exhausting to do the work to allow myself to  come out of that safe protective place. Emotions are extremely powerful instruments and as I learn to feel them in their purest form I am also undoing a lot of old baggage as well and that is physically very challenging. So today I chose to sit back, practice silence and allow myself to feel what I was feeling.

What I notice about my emotions is that they well up, in this case feeling like a brick sitting on my chest, and as soon as I just let go and release them either through tears or words or physical movement I feel myself actually move it out of myself, giving it back to Divine Mother with Gratitude for giving me that lesson.

Today we visited two more cooperative, a group of genocide widows and a group of ex-sex workers, both of which I felt were incredibly brave and inspiring. The widows in particular as they had also been victims of rape, most of which resulted in HIV being transmitted to them as well. As I think about my own healing journey from sexual assault I am aware of the powerful damage that it can cause and just how difficult it has been for me to move through it. These woman had so many more layers, so much more tragedy on top of the sexual assault and yet there they were in front of me banded together to help each other survive the devastation of it all. I see how similar and yet how different our stories are, but the major factor that stands out for me in their story is their culture.

The physical release of emotions through dance and song is an incredibly healing experience and I truly do feel that it is a major factor in why this country has been able to survive the impact of such a horrific event as Genocide. These woman came alive when they began to sing and move their bodies, almost to a completely different rhythm than the one being sung. They are so in tune to the vibration of love that the Universe offers, it really is a spiritual experience from the moment they begin to move. I am in awe of their awareness and connection to the earth. Their spirit is so firey, lively and inspiring to me.

I want to be here. I want to heal here. I need Rwanda just as much as Rwanda needs me.  I want to learn the ways of a culture that to me literally  feels like Love In Action!

As I lay on the ground, the earth, the mother that not only feeds and sustains me but also the giant Giraffe that walked by me only a few hundred yards away I felt as though I was being cradled and held. This land is magnificent, the wildlife colorful and the vibration pounding to the beat of the heart of what feels like the entire earth. I am experiencing things that as a young girl I only watched on TV. I am a really here roaming the field with a zebra and a family of Giraffe? Yes. I am at Akagera National Park in Rwanda and it has been a 4 hour drive in the back of a Land Cruiser to get here but yes I am here.

Hippo’s the size of my old Volvo wagon lie peacefully in the marsh with tufts of greens, flowers and large white birds riding on their backs. Their little ears that twitch every once in a while are deceptively cute as these magnificent creatures are the most deadly of all the animals we encountered today. All kinds of 4 legged creatures with large antlers that look to me the way that a unicorn horn would look, spiraling upwards and funny little Pumba’a (warthogs) running around in small herds with their tails up high. I had hopes to seeing an elephant but was not disappointed in any way with what we did see, it was worth the 10 hours we spent in the vehicle without much food or water!

Again I have no photo’s to share at this time as I left it on the dance floor of a random local restaurant called “Jambo Beach” where we had a delicious dinner of chicken, talapia, curried rice and fruit juice. Dancing with a group of locals was AMAZING as I am able to share my gifts with them and them with me. They have a calm, relaxed manner about their dancing that I love to watch. The rhythm just seems to pour out of their bodies. It was beautiful to watch Justin B dance with me as well. I am loving that  everyone here seems to love dance as much as I do and that it is such a natural thing. There is no dragging people up to dance with me, it is happening all the time, all around me. I am in dancing heaven. It was a great way to refresh my body after all the time spent cramped in the back of the vehicle.

The time is nearing where I will have to decide what I am going to do after everyone leaves and I stay behind. There are many options, one of which is to stay and help Justin with the work of World Dance. There is a room at his home, there are apartments to rent and there are so many options and it is just a matter of watching for the signs and continuing to trust my heart. I know the doors of my future are waiting to be opened but I am not sure of where they will lead. This makes life exciting and to me the mystery is what I live for, I love my life!

Muraho!  Murakoze!  (Hello! Thank you!)

are the words I used all day today but despite this limited language barrier I was able to communicate with the people of Never Again with my heart through dance and Love! We walked into the church to meet the members of the Kayonza Never Again Fellowship, it was literally jumping with people singing and dancing in celebration to our union. It was out of this world!!! My experience today cannot be expressed in words so I will instead try do it through photos.

My heart is filled with joy. My purpose here is becoming more and more clear. The love between myself, the group and the people we are helping here is huge and today it was a 5 hour love-fest complete with gifts, dance, song, hugs, and kisses. I spent most of the time on the bus to and from this event waving out the window and seeing how many smiles I could get, which were many. This truly is the land of a million smiles!

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Why am I here? It feels very different to anything I have ever experienced before with a warm, friendly overtone. What is striking me the most is the people. The seemingly flat affect of most people we pass by and the slow pace of their walk makes me assume that the are sad but after a good 5 seconds of eye contact and a wave of my hand out the bus window the magnificent glow of their beaming white smiles radiates the warmth that lies within their hearts. I was pleasantly surprised today by a small boy who gave me a High 5 as he walked past the bus and it was soon followed by many more children doing the same! In these moments of connection with perfect strangers I am reminded of one of my natural gifts of communication with people. I have always had this knack for drawing out smiles and a desire to make people feel loved. Unfortunately, I took this knack one or two steps to far and seemed to always put the needs of others before mine which lead me to a great deal of pain, (emotional, mental, physical and spiritual). I realized in the last few years just how important it is to put myself first always (doing so with alot of awareness so as not let it go to a place of selfishness) but keeping the needs of others in mind as well.

Yoga taught me how to do this and it has taken a lot of practice to find the balance, which I am always working on. If I am not well, I cannot give to others in a whole hearted way and who can we ever really count on to care for us besides ourselves. It is up to us to take care of ourselves so we can care for others. That is what I love about World Dance for Humanity, it is all about helping the people help themselves and yes, we give them support but it is all up to them to do the work. This is empowering and this leads to self-love which in my experience is the root a lot of problems in the world. It helped me to see that I needed to do more healing before I could be part of this journey and there was no better motivation than these two groups of people in my life: World Dance and Rwanda.

A visit to the Genocide memorial today with the group was almost unbelievable at times. The amount of rage that lies behind these acts is unfathomable and yet I can understand it in a way, again through the use of Yoga. How do we get to a place in our minds where we can treat each other in such an inhumane way? I do believe that we are all capable of the both evil and good but at what point does the humanity leave our minds and does it ever leave our hearts? 

I am in no way comparing myself to the genocide but my own personal experience with Anger and Rage stems to a root in FEAR! I remember the night I had my nervous breakdown and how out of control I was. It was 15 years in the making so there was a lot of unexpressed emotions that needed to be released. What I do remember though was that I thought I might be able to actually kill someone in that moment. I was so consumed with the swirl of raw emotion that I was completely out of touch with my heart. Thankfully that was not in my fate but I am very aware that even someone like myself is capable of extreme violence and if that is true then it is true to everyone else if put in the right circumstances. This helps me feel empathy for even those that did the killings here in Rwanda and brings me back to a place where I can see everyone as a human being who is deserving of love.

As a way to help move all the emotion that was stirred up after walking though the memorial I did a practice of the Divine Light Invocation which I learned during my stay at Yasodhara Ashram (yasodhara.org). I guided the entire group through the meditation as an offering to them and also the people of Rwanda. I found it to be very healing for my journey and hope to share my learning with any one or place that needs healing. Don’t we all need healing at one time or another in our lives? It takes courage to admit that we need help but it is so much more painful to pretend that we are fine. 

I am gathering the signs throughout my time here, watching for things that make sense to only me and tell only me where I am needed. So far the theme of sexual abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are coming up strongly for me and it is obvious that there is a lot of work to be done in that area for the people of Rwanda as well. Patience and staying present with the moment are all I can really do to stay on my path. It will be revealed to me when the time is right and when I see it clearly with the help of my own bright inner light!

Amahoro! (peace)

I have been traveling since June 10th, slowly making my way to this destination and is has been a fruitful ride. What I am learning is to take care of myself in a new way and to appreciate all of the personal growth and hard work that is took to get me to this point. The Beauty that I am able to see more clearly now is all around me and always was, its just that now I have new eyes with which to actually see it.

The highlights of my time in Turkey include the call to prayer that rang out loudly many times per day, the loving interactions of the people in the streets, the respect demonstrated for each other, and the confidence of the woman. It is all so different and I am learning what parts of this beautiful culture I want to embrace and bring it into my life. I am also reminded of the beauty of my own spiritual practices and the confidence and growth that come from that journey.

No Turkish Bath for me 😦 but what that lead to was an opportunity to see my new confidence in action as I practice saying “NO” and listening to my intuition while out in the streets of Turkey alone. This is a very important skill to see myself put into action and brings more clarity to why all the work I was doing on myself prior to leaving was so important for my safety and well being. I am now able to respond in a way that feels more authentic and less like a reaction coming from a place of fear from deep within (see “layers” post). Real life experience is how I learn and this was a great test!

Stepping off the plane and setting foot on the continent of Africa was surreal. It was pitch black and we were greeted by people with skin that matched the night sky. The air was thick with moisture and smelled of smoke. The first thing I notice is that the people here are extremely quite, soft and gentle. There is a calmness about them that I appreciate greatly.

As I walked through the doors and out into the arms of Justin B. the emotion of the journey began to hit me. I am here. I have listened to the call that so clearly guided me to this very moment and the magnitude of that is unfolding. To be in a place that called me from so far away and not know why is a very freeing experience and also a very intimidating one. Justin thanked me for my beautiful heart and reaffirmed my inner truth that I am enough. I really feel like the inner journey I am on is about to kick into high gear as I begin the process of watching for the  signs as to where I am needed and what is next for me on this path.

So here we are, a group of people coming together to go on a life changing journey together to the other side of the world to help people in need. Taking this photo felt like a very monumental moment for me, like a was making history somehow. Just a bunch of ordinary people coming together for an extraordinary cause. I feel so privileged to be a part of this group. I have never before been a part of a group of people who seem to embody my ideals the way this group does. We care. We love. We act. All of us offering different unique gifts to the group and sharing a common intention of spreading love and joy around the world. Wow, this is it! This is my life and this is what I want to be doing.

My first class back with the World Dancers since January and it felt like I had never left! I was greeted with smiles, hugs and even a new friend that had been away the whole time I was in Santa Barbara last fall but we were both told we needed to meet! I was given my old spot, right beside Janet at the front and when the music came on it was like old times! We practiced our dance routine which we will be performing for the many different co-op’s that we are going to meet. It is a mix of dances from around the world including Salsa, African, American Bandstand and more.  We sang one of our songs in Kinyarwanda to the rest of the group and we had the videographers there with us taking photos and video.

It is all beginning to feel very real and the magnitude of what I have involved myself in is starting to hit home. I have my suitcase packed, and my checked bag with 50lbs worth of balls, books, solar lights, pencils, and many other things that we are collectively taking over is sitting here ready to go. I have no plans to return to Canada and yet I have only half of a carry on packed with clothes and personal things – this is amazing to me!

What do I really need? I am going where they have very little and I am very fortunate to be from a wonderful country like Canada but there is something within me that has always known that the things I was told I needed in life by my family, my teachers, media, etc were wrong. I don’t need a lot of external things to survive and especially not to be happy. I need to go and see these people who are living with nothing and yet have smiles across their  faces and joy in their hearts. They have something to teach me about love, forgiveness and happiness that I cannot find  here in North America. I have learnt over these last 3 years that the less I have, the happier I am but this feels like a whole new level of understand awaiting me. I am willing to let it all go in my search for my own truth and finding true happiness.

Here I am sitting in a Cafe in Summerland, CA with Billy Baldwin on my right -pinch pinch- really? I am staying in a multi million dollar home, one of the ones that is locked behind big fancy gates with guards, really? How can a “homeless” person like myself with no steady income be sleeping in this luxurious bed, silky sheets and be completely taken care of…….LOVE! Love really is the answer. I know that I am a good person, I know that I have spread seeds of love throughout my life and I trust that love is a powerful  gift to give. I also trust that by living in this way, open and free to go where I am needed, I am drawn to the people and places that need what I have to offer.

Yesterday I reunited with my Water Release Therapy teacher and mentor, Diane Feingold (www.waterreleasetherapy.com). I have known that having a session with her would be the perfect way to bring some closure to all the healing I have been doing over the last 5 months while in Canada. It turned out to be one of the powerful and reaffirming experiences yet. If you have never experienced this work, of which I am also a practitioner, it cannot be described in words that would do it justice. It has been a major factor in my healing because it offers me a place to fully let go and to meet my true self.

Yesterday I was able to go to a place of love during the session like never before because of my experience meeting the MJ impersonator. For me it was a very really experience. Maybe I need to back up a bit and say that I love Michael Jackson and his message of love is very real to me. Looking at this man dressed up as Michael I asked him why he does what he does and he replied “The world needs Michael.” There was a tone in his voice that not only sounded like MJ but it radiated the vibration that I know for myself to be Love. This young man understood the message of MJ at the same level that I have come to so I took that image of his mouth saying those words underwater with me. I sang the lyrics to Heal the World in my mind and I imagined Diane’s hands were his. It felt like we were dancing together, creating music and love. I found a state of pure Bliss.

When the session ended, Diane confirmed this by saying that it felt like I was radiating love the entire time and that it was like poetry in the water. She commented about how much I have changed since the last time we met in the water and that she knew I was ready for Africa now! I feel ready, I feel confident, I feel safe, I feel strong and I know that I have something to offer them.

Meeting my group of travelers last night after having only been part of meeting via Skype or phone since leaving was amazing. I was met with hug, after hug and the biggest smiles. I really do have a family here that I have created for myself just by being me and doing what I love. We talked about our purpose for the trip and it is to bring Joy and Love to these people who are ready to move on from the pain of the past. Well considering I am doing the same in my life, I feel more than capable of helping them do the same, again, simply by being me.

So, I may be sitting next to people who have millions of dollars and living in a home that cost millions of dollars with only $50 in my pocket but I feel like a millionaire. My life feels more rich than any amount of money could offer me, it is more real than money and no one can take it away from me. It lives within me and is not dependent on anything external. I am rolling in the riches of Love! Pinch-Pinch!