Layer upon layer, peel after peel revealing my ugly truths

Raw and open I stand before you offering the gift of presence during a time of weakness

Giver of space, holder of light

I worship the death that comes from the game we play

I am a seeker with no arms to fend off  baggage which blinds, spilling forth the guts and the glory to anyone willing to join the war

I am honoured to have you

The Gita has begun on this day of birth, reborn to reveal my souls nature

I trudge through being human with fumbling ecstasy in hopes of being honoured, if only for my efforts

I seek no one, no thing, no body, no soul to unit me for I know my essence is pure love

I seek no score, no peddles to propel me into learning as it stands before me in grace awaiting my clear eyes to see

There is no one for me, only me in truth

This I know, it is so

Balance comes in rocky stages

Foundation prepared for building a home on new a platform, yet I see the other options and turn my nose up in disgust

It is not for me I say and I move on down the path less travelled

My path

A pebbled beach trail at times with winds so fierce it knocks the sense back into me

A rough uneven terrain which strives to build my strength in ways I have not seen before now

l Iive with the deep well of Self below the armour of my heartshell

To love is to be human, to be accepted by my human self is my work in this life and to love it I must see it

Openly welcome the onlookers who donate time and energy to become a part of the master puzzle created as our playground

We take no recess, we have no holiday from the skin of the self within which our truth exists

Chance encounters with those that are presented and watch as the small seeds plant and replant themselves in hopes of something different, something other than the  same beautifully painful garden growing where it has many times before

Only this time I do not scatter them, I plant them orderly, intentionally and with care knowing that the time will come when the fruits of my labour will be visible to all and the judgement begins all over again

From within is what matters

The reflections back are fierce and my heart reacts like a lioness protecting her cubs from harm but this mothers heart is not broken any longer

She loves big and bold

Walk away scared souls and save the rest for those who are brave to receive

Give it to me and I shall share my milk with you, regaining the trust I once had to the mother connections above, below and in between

Ubiquity of essence


Light is seen in all things great and small

All beings come to receive, give and leave the earth with no more than they came with

The truth in this is that we leave with all we brought

Labouring our lives away to see ourselves through the lens of love, we can parish with peace of mind

Until then I will play, battle and brave the odds which come daily and without fail

Like a familiar cat sitting on the porch step, I return somehow to a place I barely remember

Landing on my feet over and over, lick my wounds and rise up once more

Clarity with each new sunset

Maybe this time I will take the road that I have travelled less, not concerned with the masses any longer

Finding my way


Pieces of my Tribe

“I get it,  you’re lonely” he states with confidence behind his gentle knowing voice. Somehow that word just doesn’t fit, its not the right word. So I decide to look it up!

I don’t usually go to books, internet or outside sources to help me pinpoint how I am feeling but I just wanted to know what lonely actually meant so I could see for myself what this interpretation of my request for company was.

Definition of lonely |ˈlōnlē|:
sad because one has no friends or company 
without companions; solitary 
(of a place) unfrequented and remote

Well this did not fit how I feel at all and so I moved on with the search of what was really at the root of this desire to be around people which is a new phase of the journey for me. I have been very much alone, not lonely, for nearly 4 years. Either in process, travelling, engaging in healing activities but always with a strong sense of isolation from those around me.

So I typed  “basic human need for companionship” into the computer to see what kind of info I would get about what feels to me as something lacking in my life at this point. What I got was – Maslows Hierarchy of Needs and this fit me perfectly!

Here’s what I found:

Level 1reduce current physical discomforts first: hunger, thirst, pain, air, temperature, smells, balance,  noise, light, and rest (sleep).

When those are satisfied enough now

Level 2:  We try to fill our need to feel safe enough in the near future. Safety comes from trusting that our level-one needs will be reliably met in the coming hours and days (our safety zone). In our society, that translates into believing that we’ll have a dependable source of money to buy those securities. The safety zone is short for some people, longer for fear-based (wounded) others.

      Maslow suggested that when we feel comfortable and safe enough, we then try to fill…

Level 3: our need for companionship: our primitive need to feel accepted by, and part of, a group of other people. We need to feel we belong to (are accepted by) a family, tribe, group, or clan. The alternative is feeling we’re alone (and unsafe) in the world.
 He proposed that if we fill our level 1, 2, and 3 needs well enough, then we focus on filling…
Level 4: our need to be recognized as special and valuable by our group. We need to be more than just a featureless face in the crowd, we need to be known and appreciated as a unique, respected person. Survivors of low-nurturance childhoods who were shamed too often as young children may search endlessly for the specialness and praise they never got.
Level 5: the need to be self actualized. A key reason people still value Maslow’s ideas is the universal longing to be fully ourselves. That implies we each have unique talents and abilities that we long to develop and use to benefit the world if all our other need-levels are filled well enough, often enough. Then we can become creative, energized, centered, focused, and productive and live on purpose, “at our highest personal potential.”
taken from:
Here how it relates to me:

The most basic level is physical human needs in order to stay alive.

While living at the Ashram this was taken care of for me 3 times a day for 2 years which allowed for freedom to move easily into higher levels of functioning. Since leaving and being on my own with very limited financial means I have been struggling with this one for nearly 2 years which makes functioning at higher levels a challenge, the catch 22 is that because I had 2 years of experience living at these higher levels of potential and the tools of Yoga to facilitate a connection to something much greater behind it all, I have actually been able to move into levels 4 & 5, while living in a state of poverty.

I have at some point in my life over the last 4 years experienced all 5 of these levels being both extremely high and low. At the Ashram I reached new levels of potential and the seeds were planted for more. In Rwanda there is no doubt in my mind that I reached a very high level within myself and my potential. But I did this with little financial stability and my basic needs being met minimally. Now I am really seeing how my lack of support for self in level 1 & 2 is leading me to put much more intense focus on level 3, out of fear of lacking. I currently have no stable place to call home, have taken holiday from my business, and other work so stability financially is illusive as well!  This sets me up for an intense desire for safe, secure interactions with people.

I am now going back to the basics and looking at what could be possible if I build from the bottom up this time, ensuring that I have my level 1, 2, and 3 needs met. I need to look at what my needs are and find out what it is I have access to here that will allow me to feel satisfied. Imagine what level 4 and 5 will look like with a  solid foundation beneath them!! I think its exactly what I am here in The Pas to do and that is why I am here to stay.

Bringing it all together into a balanced pyramid will open doors to things I was unable to visualize and imagine for myself because of the shaky legs I was standing on up to this point. I have done amazing things for myself even with this reality and I am now ready to soar into the new higher heights of my own potential taking all that I have learned along the way.

In the end I am happy to have confirmed that I am not lonely! I was just working my way around, in and out of, sideways through and round about this pyramid of needs, instead of climbing it one step at a time. My plan now is to consciously build up each level to a place of abundance in order to reach full potential.

I have recently been in conversation with my family again and that opening has given me more strength in Level 3. Family alone is not enough. I need different kinds of    relationships and people in that mix to help me feel fulfilled, safe and secure. I have this as a whole with all of my connections around the world but without having the ability to see, touch, or be in the presences of them all I feel like my tribe is scattered and that leaves me feeling unsafe and insecure. I see my tendency to have difficulty feeling fulfilled when my community is scattered but the truth is there is lots of community here in The Pas and my friends all around the world are only a finger tip away thanks to technology! Its all about how I see what I have in my life and that is my work!

I am currently housesitting in a beautiful quiet space (while I seek my next new home) not wanting to be here alone because I want to share, experience and be with my tribe, my village, my people and I am seeing the work that lies ahead which at times feels frustrating, exhausting, maddening, isolating, and yet I know, after all of this time, that I am doing it all right! It will come with time and then I will move into something else as a focus and not even remember how challenging this time was! I know this because I have done this a hundred times before!

Inward self reflection and seeking high levels of self awareness can lead to extreme isolation, even if only in the mind, and it is in a lot of ways a very lonely journey to be on.  I am blessed to have so many close friends in my life that support my journey and I feel as though I am ready to loosen the reins and let the learning come to life in a new way, a more relaxed and unconscious flow into truth.

No man is an island, even when we think we are alone we are never really that far away……