This is a post a wrote about 3 weeks ago and didn’t publish it. I am rereading old posts and journals as a way to remind myself of my strength, my joy, my passion, my Love and my life in Rwanda. The transition phase is the most difficult for me and I, in the past, have often gone into depressed state during this time so I am finding ways to remind myself of how I felt about the potential of this part of the journey now that I am in it.
I have been cracked wide open. My heart no longer safely stored away behind my chest wall, it’s found a new place to live and it is right on the outside for everyone to see and feel and touch. Rwanda has simultaneously softened and strengthened me in all the right ways. The culture, like all others, has its flaws but I have found exactly what I was looking for and that out weighs any downsides to being here. I have given it 4 months and now I feel the time to shift has arrived and I act on my own knowing and make plans to leave.
Something shifts as I make the most concrete plans I have made in a while and suddenly life opens up in a new way. Something about the false sense of security that making plans gives me allows me to then fully embrace the moment. In that moment I was able to allow more love into my life than ever before.
The Universe provides me with exactly what I need to learn and grow on this journey and once again I was lead to a next step through MJ. The kids that I am dancing with have become so special to me and my heart is connected to them in a way I have not experienced before. They allow me to see my own potential in a new way. It has become very clear that after the event I can do more good for them by being back in Canada, temporarily.
As I stand before them offering words of wisdom from my own journey, encouraging them to keep going and believe that change is possible I know the words are for me.
All the pain, the fear, anger and set backs were mine to conquer and I can place blame on as many people as I choose but that does not move me forward, this experience does. Taking steps, taking action (I Am Love in Action) and making my ideals a reality is what makes change. I have a strong belief in myself and I see it being demonstrated in my actions, my speech and my thoughts. I love myself. I love what I am doing with my life and I am living my life with the intention of helping others with my own natural abilities, which makes my life an amazing journey of self growth and selfless service.
My heart opens by surrounding myself in a completely different culture full of life in a way that I had only held as possible in my mind, making it real allows me to then trust that part of me that fantasized about it and know that I can do anything I want. It may take a lot of hard work and I may have to let go of a lot of things but what I receive in return is so free, alive, real and awesome.
I will never be able to explain fully all that I have experienced here but the proof is in me, my interactions, my actions and the way I simply am now incorportates all the lessons I have learned. Rwanda/Africa is now a part of me at a cellular level. I am Africa and Africa is me. I have attracted wonderful things and people into my life because my intentions are pure, I believe in Love. Not love in the way I think most people immediately think of when I say that but Love in the most powerful, unconditional and intense way, Universal Love. The belief that we are all here to help eachother.
Love that lets us give up everything for a complete stranger. Love that allows us to forgive those who hurt us. Love that feels like a speeding train of goodness. Love that leaves us speechless and in awe of the raw beauty of simply being alive and human.
Because of all the work I have done to heal my heart I have found the strength to allow Love into my life in a more classic sense, with a man. Embracing the fact that I am a human, I am a woman, I am a sexual being and I am capable of such intense love has given me the most wonderful experience this week. It is possible to Love something in all ways and not loose myself. It is possible to join together to make something stronger and this is that moment.
Since allowing sexuality back into my life with someone who pushes me to walk through my fear and actually take steps towards who I want to be in this area I feel like a wave has crashed down on me and swept me into a flurry of emotions, tides and the ride is wonderful and so different than ever before.
I am seeing my growth and strength in action. It is more proof to myself that I have healed and am capable of the kind of relationships that once scared me. I am ready to be more of myself and this was the perfect time to have a beautiful Ugandan man come into my world and mirror back to me my own knowing and strength. He holds me to my ideals. He moves me through the fear and leads me out the other side as a willing participant. Allowing someone into my journey in this way takes courage, trust and strength which I am clearly seeing I have.
The other side is where I want to go, it is where I am meant to be. So I let go of the past and get out of the choke hold that it has had on me in this area for years. I breath life in in a new way. Its one thing to dream about what life can be like but the work to get there is not always so romantic. It has taken years of intense work to be ready for this moment and I am very proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. I deserve to feel someone’s arms around me in a romantic way just as much as I deserve to have the arms of man I just helped pay rent for around me in gratitude. They are both Love and now I see that they are both very necessary.
The spark of life that has returned to my life since allowing in all forms of Love makes me feel like a shooting star. I have more zest for life, more passion for myself and what I am doing, I feel more complete meaning that all of me is able to be expressed. I cannot continue to hold back the parts that scare me, not if this is what it feels like to embrace them. Life has a new momentum now and I am just flowing freely along with the waves.
Even though I am writing about the love I am experiencing in my life right now I am, at most times, speechless. My life is a feeling that has no words. It is just for me and for me to share through my actions in this world. I am fully committed to continue this journey and can’t really imagine it getting better but I have said that before! I am right, I can’t imagine what is next and I am not meant to. I just need to watch for the signs and be brave enough to follow through. The momentum of the Love that I am creating is strong enough to pull me through any uncertainty.
Thank you to Gilbert, all the dancers, Justin and his family, my friends and Collin for meeting me exactly where I needed to be met and dancing me to another side of Love.