Author: iamloveinaction

I watch my mind tell me that I need to get up and help, be happy and smiley, be social and all kinds of other things to make myself feel worthy of this gift of a wonderful home full of love, family, food and warmth. I quickly am able to put that aside as I realize the magnitude of the experience I just had with the group and how emotionally I am exhausted which in turn feels like physical exhaustion, they are not two separate things for me. Giving myself the time I need to recuperate and process all that has happened over the last 2 weeks is vital to learning and growing from these experiences. If I do not take the time to rest and listen to my body I will be doing the same things that ultimately led me down a road of dis-ease, kaos, and unrest in my body and in my life. It starts small but every time I catch the old ways of thinking, being and feeling in action I am reminded of where it leads and it makes it VERY easy to say listen. In that moment I am able love and honor my higher self and the reality of my human needs.

After a few days of feeling utterly exhausted I decided to look into getting some much needed rejuvenation in the form of massage, pool, steam and sauna. Lucky for me I discovered these types of places are all over and there is one 5 mins away by foot, so no more need for a 5 star hotel. I have an amazing relaxation hot spot just around the corner. I spent the afternoon there going from cold pool to sauna to the pool to the steam  room and also had probably the best massage I have ever had, all for the bargain price of 8000 RWF ($12 US).

It is no coincidence to me that I have access to this wonderful place as I know how I thrive and how to make that happen. I really had discarded the idea of water being a part of my time here in Rwanda but am more than pleasantly surprised by the apparent abundance and affordability of it. I feel as though the universe has guided me to this exact place and is looking out for my needs. I also found out today that there is a Canadian woman living in the house next to me. I can feel the moment building in terms of next steps being revealed and my heart is drawing me closer to finding a volunteer position at one of the orphanages in town but I will continue to be patient and see what happens next.

A pleasant surprise for me on my way home was seeing Bosco (our Bus driver for the group trip) and his nephew walking towards me, they were on their way to see me at the pool! It felt surreal to look up and see a familiar face on my first solo excursion away from home and Bosco’s sweet smile was a very welcome surprise. They took me out to a local bar for bruchette (meat on a stick) and I had my first, and much anticipated, ride on a “moto” which is a motorcycle taxi service here in Rwanda. It was as much fun as I thought it would be! More of Bosco’s family met us at “Papa Guiness” and I got to be a part of some very interesting conversation surrounding the fact that I am single and have no children. Apparently it is common here to have many wives, (unless someone is pulling my leg!) and it is much sought after to have a baby with a white woman to produce a “Milato” baby. Oh the things you learn when you begin to really become emersed  in the culture! It was a fun time and I felt much more able to handle the type of conversation and comments that were coming my way.

I also had another experience with a young man at one of the local night clubs that Justin took me to after saying farewell to the second half of the group at the airport on Saturday night. The local people love to dance and I was pleasantly surprised to see more men on the dance floor than woman, by about 9-1. They have got some serious moves and they love the fact that as a “mazungu” I can bust out some awesome moves as well. So far I have received a lot of high 5’s, fist blasts and people eager to copy me on the dance floor! But a new experience is the insane hip and butt movement that they can pull off seemingly with incredible ease BUT the part that I appreciate the most is that even though this could be seen as an incredibly sexual movement and in North America be labeled as “Slutty” moves on the dance floor, it isn’t here. It just is what it is, a movement to the rhythm of the music and a deep part of the culture. I love that because for me dancing and sexuality have always gone hand in hand until recently when I discovered that dancing is a way for me to channel energy in general, not just sexual. Movement of the human body can have functions other than to sexual attraction and this lesson took me years to really embody.

For me the experience of simply allowing a man to come and but his hands on me was powerful enough but then to add movement like that plus the fact that the men are extremely good looking and it was quite an experience. For me, being a sexual being has always been a fearful, shameful, angry and manipulative thing that I was never comfortable with and found many ways in my life with which to mask those feelings, feelings which were put on me by my family, not feelings that I actually knew to be true. I went to extremes in order to be able to even talk about sex in my family and found myself portraying an image that was as far from what was real for me as I think I could possibly get. This path even lead me down some extremely painful choices in life as well including having major impacts on my career decisions.

Now that I feel like a certain amount of healing has taken place in this area I am able to experience sexuality in a whole new way. I have been practicing celibacy for nearly 3 years now and have no intention to change that but what this practice offers me most is the opportunity to experience sex in a whole new way. A way that feels more authentic to me. I get to see how I feel about things now with a new perspective, one that is not out of societal or familial expectations or limitations. I can now watch myself in different situations and experience my emotions and feelings and then make choices based on the present moment.

In this case, having an attractive, young black man put his arms firmly around me and feeling myself stop breathing out of fear momentarily and then making a conscious choice to relax, feel, breath and connect. Because I have clear boundaries for myself and the situation, I no longer feel like a victim in that moment and know that I can choose to stay or to go. I chose to stay and accept the healing that was there for me from a simple embrace. All of this on the tail end of receiving a letter from the RCMP stating that charges will not be filed against the man who sexually assaulted me. Thankfully for me I have come to a place of understanding in my life that the Universe gives me many opportunities for growth and I can choose to see the learning in everything. My response to this letter only proves to me further that I am healing as I was able to simply feel the emotion of disappointment and then move on.

Over the last 3 days I have had so many opportunities to see my own personal growth and it is apparent to me that I am really comfortable with who I am right now, “No matter where you go, there you are!” I am so happy to be the person I am right now and  anything that comes from this experience here in Rwanda is buttercream icing on the red velvet cupcake of my life!

Just after I opened my eyes to greet the last day of our group travels the door to my room opens, Holly walks in and says “We have all missed our flight, we have to go to the airport right away!” Knowing full well that I was staying, the impact felt cushioned a bit from my reality but the reality of the impact on the group was inescapable. The morning became one big whirlwind of suitcases, phone calls, bus rides and tense faces but overall a sense of acceptance, calm and focus. The day was spent at the Turkish Airlines office in downtown Kigali and was followed by a gathering at a local eatery/internet cafe as everyone tried to communicate to their loved ones as well as feed and care for themselves. The strength of our group was really apparent throughout this entire day as there were no “Freak outs”, no blaming each other, no anger projected onto each other, just a focus on doing what needed to be done in order to get everyone home. It was clear that we have all had our fair share of experience with traveling and know that nothing really ever goes as planned, there has to be room for changes and mistakes.

So we missed out on seeing three of the co-operatives that we had planned to see while here on this very, well planned and organized trip. I guess someone just got too excited and booked one extra day of events and no one noticed that we were scheduled to leave at 00:55AM on the 28th, which is actually the morning of the 27th of June!

As the members of our group booked last minute flights home with some pretty pricey fees attached, I got to witness the total surrender to the reality of the situation. I was inspired by the ease of which people were able to let go of the financial cost of the mistake and move into acceptance that this was happening for a reason. Some were calculating the cost in terms of cows and goats for the co-operatives here in Rwanda and there certainly were better ways for that money to be spent but I do trust that there was a reason behind why they were not all on those planes the night before. The reason may never become obvious to any of us but my faith in something greater leads me to feel this to be true. As each person decided how much they were willing to spent to get themselves back to their reality in California, I was pleasantly surprised by the ability of the group to settle into the reality of their present moment and make the best of it.

We ended our time together as a group by going around our table saying a few words about how we felt and what we were taking with us from this trip. Everyone, including our fabulous Rwandan bus driver, Bosco, opened their heart and spoke of the positive impact we all had on each others lives. It was so nice to hear the kind words for me on my journey and I felt so supported in that moment, words that give me strength to continue living my life the way I have chosen to and know is right for me. It is always nice to hear that people support our choices and it brings me strength to know I have this entire group, plus friends at home doing just that. It takes an open heart and an open mind to allow others to travel their own journey and I am grateful to everyone in my life who is strong enough in themselves to support me in mine. I had an “Eat, Pray, Love” moment at the end of my speech , as I toasted this new group of people who have now become like family which for me is another sign that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Waving goodbye to about half of the group  as they drove away on the bus was an emotional event but the half that remained continued in the spirit of making the best of the situation  by walking next door to our Muzungo hot spot “SolaLuna” for pizza and beer! As I said my goodbyes for the night to the remaining group members and prepared for my first night in my new home with Justin and his family I was very grateful for the last moments of our time as a full group and feel that the events that happened earlier in the day only made the goodbye more powerful. I am learning that the relationships that last are the ones that can ride the waves together and meet peacefully on the shore, ready for the next thing to pull them back out into the waters of life. Thank you to all the people (even those not in the photos below, you know who you are!) who are willing to ride with me on this journey!

 

A day of well deserved relaxation and much needed reflective time alone. After my first hot morning shower since arriving, rising late and gathering with the group for lunch at the famous Hotel Rwanda  I was privileged enough to spend the afternoon there swimming in the outdoor pool and drinking Rwandan black tea with hot milk. There I was floating in the cool water looking up at the clear blue sky feeling like I was in paradise and knowing full well that I could be anywhere in the world in that moment but I was in fact in Rwanda, beautiful Rwanda. I felt no fear, no unease, no hostility, no anger, none of the things that people tried to fill my head with before my departure. My experience of Rwanda is one of gentleness, grace, love and joy. To be in a place that has had so much pain and kaos and to not let that impact my perspective comes quite easily as I learn to trust that my heart will guide me to where I am needed in the world. Rwanda has offered me such immense healing and I feel a great sense of peace knowing that I will be staying here after everyone else in the group leaves for North America tomorrow night.

The journey of preparation for this trip took me down a road of outward self expression which included an awesome blonde mohawk with pink highlights, black leather boots, thoughts of getting a tattoo, embracing sparkley  tourquoise  eyeliner and so much more. This was an attempt to demonstrate my inner strength to myself and to the world. As I processed what it would be like in Africa in terms of outward self expression I often felt like I was going to have to give up that expression and let go of that need to outwardly  wear my creative expression of self. My suit case consisted of a carry on sized suite case that included not only clothes but 3 paris of shoes and all my toiletries – not much stuff considering I was possibly not returning from which I came. Today as I floated in the bright blue pool wearing my hot pink bikini top and aqua bottoms, still sporting the blond mohawk that now has an inch of dark roots and was on the verge of being shaved off or colored prior to my arrival, I realized that I am still me, all parts of me at every moment in my life. There is no leaving behind the girl who loves fashion and loves to play with make-up, there is no need to turn off personality aspects that don’t fit the environment, and there is no need for me to pretend that I do not enjoy being in beautiful 5 star hotels and relaxing in a pool. I can be all of these things AND be doing humanitarian work with a dance group, they are not exclusive, actually they make the other experience more rich. Fully embracing who I am leads to an authenticity in all that I do and I feel allows me to be more present in each moment as I accept the reality of those characteristics and not fight against them.

I made more contacts by embracing exactly this today as I walked into the managers office of the fabulous 5 star Kigali Serena Hotel spa to discuss possible opportunities for my skills. I was greeted by a wonderful man who told me that in the spa they work on a trade system where one’s skills are traded for use of the facilities. As I toured around the beautiful spa I met a personality aspect that tried to tell me I was being selfish and that it was not what I was here to do. I soon rationalized the need for the spa, pool, hot tub and yoga classes as a way to stay healthy and balanced while doing the very demanding and intensely emotional work I feel I will be doing here. I do feel this is a very healthy and important thing to do for myself. Can I really go back and forth between two very contrasting worlds like 5 star hotels and poverty ridden villages?

My answer for now is yes. I have no idea what is in store for me but what I do know from my own personal experience up to this point in my life is that I can only give to others if I have something to give them and the only way I have something to give is if I take care of and give to myself equally, if not first. Denying my own human needs or even pleasures doesn’t make me a better person, it doesn’t make me more of a humanitarian or a more caring person if I run myself ragged and put everyone or thing else before myself – to me that is a form of Ego that I am very familiar with. I am worth taking care of just as much as my love is worth giving. I want to be an example of self-love not only to myself but to others as well.  Loving myself demonstrates to others the way that I expect to be treated and in turn, hopefully, allows others to expect the same of me.

As always, holding loosely to those expectations of both myself and others, making room for the fact that we are human and because of that we are all just actors this wonderful thing called life! Each one of us equally free to make decisions, choices and mistakes along the way. If I do hold true to any expectation of myself it is just that – I will make mistakes, guaranteed. The flip side of that is the opportunity for personal growth which keeps me going, gives me energy, fills me with joy and makes life worth living!

A journey to the Congo border, the Burundi border and back over the last 3 days has again been some of the most indescribable events of my life. The intention of the trip was to meet two of our co-operatives in the south west corner of Rwanda and that meant 6 + hours in the bus with not real stops for lunch or washrooms. This trip has been a real test for us all physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I am  happy to say that we are an amazing group who communicates well and make the best of every situation.

On the Burundi border was a group of Twa (Pigmy) that have never set eyes on Muzungu’s (white people) before. We were again greeted by intensely raw traditional dancing and singing which was my favorite so far. The feeling I had as I watched was one of awe and complete amazement. I was speechless at some points during our celebration. Actually, as we traveled to the co-operative I was again filled with a lot of emotion and felt very tired. During the ceremony we were given many gifts and the intense emotion that has been building since I arrived finally had a chance to be released. Being presented with a simple pineapple literally left me sobbing. These people have virtually nothing and yet they offered us 4 rounds of gifts including fruit, hand made crafts and pottery, and grains with such joy and gratitude.

I have been given many things in my life for which I am grateful but I have never before been given gifts with such intensely pure love behind them. This experience has opened my eyes even further to the power giving from the heart as well as learning to accept love when given to me, in whatever way it is offered. After the emotion was released from my body through tears I was rejuvenated and felt alive. I was able to offer song and dance with a new openness and even allowed myself to let out some joyful, primal noises that felt so natural and good!

These people have considered themselves to be like animals, not human, until only 4 years ago and are just now making the transition from hunters to farmers and becoming a part of Rwandan society. My mind wonders why we see progress in the form of further removing ourselves as humans from our own animal nature. Is it really advancement to strive towards the concrete jungles that we call home in the North America, or to a life that pulls us further away from being able express ourselves in the most authentic and raw way we know how? How do we find a balance between surviving at the most basic level in our ever changing world and staying connected to our own humanness? Being a part of the new NGO (Non-Governmental Organization) World Dance 4 Humanity is giving me the opportunity to see just how delicate this issue is and is giving me more insight into how I want to be of service in the world. There is a place for every personality type, every way of life, every view, every skill and I get to choose which path feels right for me. This opportunity has been life changing for all of us in many ways and I am seeing how peeling back the unique layers of my own life are beginning to reveal the gem that lies within.

We also visited a co-operative near the Congo border that has started a fish farm project, digging 4 huge fish dug outs by hand which took 6 months to do. They have rabbits in pens that stand on stilts above a section of the dug out which provided food for the baby fish via rabbit dropping. They also have cows donated by World Dance that are doing very well. The ingenuity of these people and the determination is unbelievable. As we drive 6 hours out of Kigali and  into what feels like no-mans land suddenly coming upon a fish farm, I am reminded of just how much effort these people have out into their own survival. I had the opportunity to tell them all how inspired I was by their efforts and that they are a real life demonstration of living and being the change they want to see in the world. They have made what would seem to some to be the impossible, a reality.

We were there to celebrate not only the development that has taken place with the support of Goats for Life and World Dance but also the first harvest of fish AND the grand opening of their fish store. We were witness to the first exchanges of money for the fish and really the creation of a completely new  life for these people. Justin was giddy with excitement as we left the area for home. “This is so incredible!” he said repeatedly. We have already made new connections for possible ECO tourism with a near by 5 star hotel “Nyungwe Forest Lodge” (an amazing sight to be seen in the middle a tea plantation near Cyangugu). I was able to also meet with the manager there and was pleasantly surprised at his interest in all of my skills.

I am beginning to put out seeds for possibilities here in Rwanda and I am so excited to see what will come next in my path. To be witness to the forward momentum of the people of these two co-operatives as well as know that my life is taking on a whole new vision as well is very, very exciting. The reality to the fact that I am one of those people who loves what they do in life, everyday, is really starting to sink in. Finally, I feel as though the deep healing part of my journey is coming to a close and the gift of all that hard work is now my reality.

So much gratitude to everyone who has supported my along the way.

Om Siva!

 

Today was an intensely emotional day as the familiar feeling of anxiety rested on my upper chest. I was aware of the intensity of the days we have had up to this point and that combined with not a lot of alone time, jet lag and a diet lacking fresh vegetables was bound to catch up with me. Even though I am very aware of these things they still have to play themselves out, there is not escape from the human condition but I can use my spiritual practices to help myself digest what is actually happening in the moment as well as have compassion for myself during this intense time.

The emotions that have been stirred up over these last 5 days or so are not new but the way in which I am experiencing them is. To be in a place where people offer me so much love and joy with such open heartedness and truth is like coming home to that place in myself that I have had to fight for my whole life. This was an exhausting way to live for 30 years, but it is equally exhausting to do the work to allow myself to  come out of that safe protective place. Emotions are extremely powerful instruments and as I learn to feel them in their purest form I am also undoing a lot of old baggage as well and that is physically very challenging. So today I chose to sit back, practice silence and allow myself to feel what I was feeling.

What I notice about my emotions is that they well up, in this case feeling like a brick sitting on my chest, and as soon as I just let go and release them either through tears or words or physical movement I feel myself actually move it out of myself, giving it back to Divine Mother with Gratitude for giving me that lesson.

Today we visited two more cooperative, a group of genocide widows and a group of ex-sex workers, both of which I felt were incredibly brave and inspiring. The widows in particular as they had also been victims of rape, most of which resulted in HIV being transmitted to them as well. As I think about my own healing journey from sexual assault I am aware of the powerful damage that it can cause and just how difficult it has been for me to move through it. These woman had so many more layers, so much more tragedy on top of the sexual assault and yet there they were in front of me banded together to help each other survive the devastation of it all. I see how similar and yet how different our stories are, but the major factor that stands out for me in their story is their culture.

The physical release of emotions through dance and song is an incredibly healing experience and I truly do feel that it is a major factor in why this country has been able to survive the impact of such a horrific event as Genocide. These woman came alive when they began to sing and move their bodies, almost to a completely different rhythm than the one being sung. They are so in tune to the vibration of love that the Universe offers, it really is a spiritual experience from the moment they begin to move. I am in awe of their awareness and connection to the earth. Their spirit is so firey, lively and inspiring to me.

I want to be here. I want to heal here. I need Rwanda just as much as Rwanda needs me.  I want to learn the ways of a culture that to me literally  feels like Love In Action!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I lay on the ground, the earth, the mother that not only feeds and sustains me but also the giant Giraffe that walked by me only a few hundred yards away I felt as though I was being cradled and held. This land is magnificent, the wildlife colorful and the vibration pounding to the beat of the heart of what feels like the entire earth. I am experiencing things that as a young girl I only watched on TV. I am a really here roaming the field with a zebra and a family of Giraffe? Yes. I am at Akagera National Park in Rwanda and it has been a 4 hour drive in the back of a Land Cruiser to get here but yes I am here.

Hippo’s the size of my old Volvo wagon lie peacefully in the marsh with tufts of greens, flowers and large white birds riding on their backs. Their little ears that twitch every once in a while are deceptively cute as these magnificent creatures are the most deadly of all the animals we encountered today. All kinds of 4 legged creatures with large antlers that look to me the way that a unicorn horn would look, spiraling upwards and funny little Pumba’a (warthogs) running around in small herds with their tails up high. I had hopes to seeing an elephant but was not disappointed in any way with what we did see, it was worth the 10 hours we spent in the vehicle without much food or water!

Again I have no photo’s to share at this time as I left it on the dance floor of a random local restaurant called “Jambo Beach” where we had a delicious dinner of chicken, talapia, curried rice and fruit juice. Dancing with a group of locals was AMAZING as I am able to share my gifts with them and them with me. They have a calm, relaxed manner about their dancing that I love to watch. The rhythm just seems to pour out of their bodies. It was beautiful to watch Justin B dance with me as well. I am loving that  everyone here seems to love dance as much as I do and that it is such a natural thing. There is no dragging people up to dance with me, it is happening all the time, all around me. I am in dancing heaven. It was a great way to refresh my body after all the time spent cramped in the back of the vehicle.

The time is nearing where I will have to decide what I am going to do after everyone leaves and I stay behind. There are many options, one of which is to stay and help Justin with the work of World Dance. There is a room at his home, there are apartments to rent and there are so many options and it is just a matter of watching for the signs and continuing to trust my heart. I know the doors of my future are waiting to be opened but I am not sure of where they will lead. This makes life exciting and to me the mystery is what I live for, I love my life!

Muraho!  Murakoze!  (Hello! Thank you!)

are the words I used all day today but despite this limited language barrier I was able to communicate with the people of Never Again with my heart through dance and Love! We walked into the church to meet the members of the Kayonza Never Again Fellowship, it was literally jumping with people singing and dancing in celebration to our union. It was out of this world!!! My experience today cannot be expressed in words so I will instead try do it through photos.

My heart is filled with joy. My purpose here is becoming more and more clear. The love between myself, the group and the people we are helping here is huge and today it was a 5 hour love-fest complete with gifts, dance, song, hugs, and kisses. I spent most of the time on the bus to and from this event waving out the window and seeing how many smiles I could get, which were many. This truly is the land of a million smiles!

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Why am I here? It feels very different to anything I have ever experienced before with a warm, friendly overtone. What is striking me the most is the people. The seemingly flat affect of most people we pass by and the slow pace of their walk makes me assume that the are sad but after a good 5 seconds of eye contact and a wave of my hand out the bus window the magnificent glow of their beaming white smiles radiates the warmth that lies within their hearts. I was pleasantly surprised today by a small boy who gave me a High 5 as he walked past the bus and it was soon followed by many more children doing the same! In these moments of connection with perfect strangers I am reminded of one of my natural gifts of communication with people. I have always had this knack for drawing out smiles and a desire to make people feel loved. Unfortunately, I took this knack one or two steps to far and seemed to always put the needs of others before mine which lead me to a great deal of pain, (emotional, mental, physical and spiritual). I realized in the last few years just how important it is to put myself first always (doing so with alot of awareness so as not let it go to a place of selfishness) but keeping the needs of others in mind as well.

Yoga taught me how to do this and it has taken a lot of practice to find the balance, which I am always working on. If I am not well, I cannot give to others in a whole hearted way and who can we ever really count on to care for us besides ourselves. It is up to us to take care of ourselves so we can care for others. That is what I love about World Dance for Humanity, it is all about helping the people help themselves and yes, we give them support but it is all up to them to do the work. This is empowering and this leads to self-love which in my experience is the root a lot of problems in the world. It helped me to see that I needed to do more healing before I could be part of this journey and there was no better motivation than these two groups of people in my life: World Dance and Rwanda.

A visit to the Genocide memorial today with the group was almost unbelievable at times. The amount of rage that lies behind these acts is unfathomable and yet I can understand it in a way, again through the use of Yoga. How do we get to a place in our minds where we can treat each other in such an inhumane way? I do believe that we are all capable of the both evil and good but at what point does the humanity leave our minds and does it ever leave our hearts? 

I am in no way comparing myself to the genocide but my own personal experience with Anger and Rage stems to a root in FEAR! I remember the night I had my nervous breakdown and how out of control I was. It was 15 years in the making so there was a lot of unexpressed emotions that needed to be released. What I do remember though was that I thought I might be able to actually kill someone in that moment. I was so consumed with the swirl of raw emotion that I was completely out of touch with my heart. Thankfully that was not in my fate but I am very aware that even someone like myself is capable of extreme violence and if that is true then it is true to everyone else if put in the right circumstances. This helps me feel empathy for even those that did the killings here in Rwanda and brings me back to a place where I can see everyone as a human being who is deserving of love.

As a way to help move all the emotion that was stirred up after walking though the memorial I did a practice of the Divine Light Invocation which I learned during my stay at Yasodhara Ashram (yasodhara.org). I guided the entire group through the meditation as an offering to them and also the people of Rwanda. I found it to be very healing for my journey and hope to share my learning with any one or place that needs healing. Don’t we all need healing at one time or another in our lives? It takes courage to admit that we need help but it is so much more painful to pretend that we are fine. 

I am gathering the signs throughout my time here, watching for things that make sense to only me and tell only me where I am needed. So far the theme of sexual abuse and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are coming up strongly for me and it is obvious that there is a lot of work to be done in that area for the people of Rwanda as well. Patience and staying present with the moment are all I can really do to stay on my path. It will be revealed to me when the time is right and when I see it clearly with the help of my own bright inner light!

Amahoro! (peace)