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Here I Am World

I have never lived my life more authentically then I am in this very moment. I returned from Rwanda with a swagger that is unshakable. My time there showed me the strength and confidence that was just waiting to be seen, other people have told me they see it but I needed to see it for myself. I transformed daily. With every corner a new experience awaiting to call on my trust and inner knowing.

(This is the first of many dresses I had made while in Rwanda. This was an amazing creative adventure. I began to step into parts of myself that I had put away until the moment I was ready to explore them. I knew I would know when the time was right!)

From hailing a “Moto” or eating strange food to dancing in large groups of men and speaking a new language – it all asked me to step up and be who I really want to be. Rwanda was the finishing touch to this amazing journey of healing. It showed me where I was, who I was, and how far I have come. I come away from this experience more my Self than I have ever been and I know it is but a peak into my potential. I am soooooooooo proud of that girl who walked out of her home, her engagement, her career and her life with the intention of healing at all costs. I continue to be proud of myself and all the hard work that I have done to get where I am today and I am not afraid to say it!

(You are as your name speaks to Amanda – Worthy of Love! I so proud of the girl in this picture! Even at your lowest you still knew your worth and were willing to fight for it, you are a survivor!)

I have seen my life unfold into a magical, amazing adventure that not only heals me everyday but also does great things for those around me. I know through my experiences in life that we are all connected and what we do impacts everyone. I also know that there is no such thing as “Good” or “Bad” as one always leads to the next in some way shape or form. The impact that my choices have on others can sometimes lead to Kaos, Ruin, Heartache, and Pain as well as Love, Joy, Inspiration and Peace – all of which are necessary for change and growth.

(My first official, self guided project: Love Hoop Rwanda. A project to introduce something I love and brings me joy to the people of Rwanda. Venturing into the remote villages of Nyanza to share this gift with the people helped me build the confidence I needed to get to this place I am in today, only a few months later. Murakoze to all the people who shared, laughed, danced, hugged and rejoiced with me in this project! You are all with me now giving me courage to continue on. You are all truly some of the Bravest Souls I have ever met!)

In my life, the Ruin lead to Love , the pain to peace, the Kaos to Joy and Heartache to Inspiration. We need things to get dark before we can truly see the Light! I look at it all as one big picture, the focus being on the balance of my life as a whole.

In the moment it may feel dark, sad, and lonely but I have lived enough to know that when I come out the other side I am a much wiser and stronger person. I embrace it all and at the same time let it all go. One moment at a time we are lead into into the next page of our life story, the whole while the pen is in our hands. How do you want your story to look?

(Santa Monica Pier, just days after returning from Rwanda. My future’s so bright I gotta wear shades!)

I have found my groove, my flow and the connection to my life is so strong that I feel pulled by it continually. As I walk down the street, I allow myself to truly feel where I want or need to go next. When I listen and follow through wether it makes sense to me or not, I go. The other day I decided to go with a new possibility that had been presented to me by a friend and went to inquire about a Government program called “Self-employment Program”. I had known about this for over a year and a half but it just never felt right.

When I returned to The Pas I began to see myself through a different lense, with the help of my friends, a business lense. I knew I wanted to start a non-profit and continue my work in Rwanda with Gilbert and the kids but I wasn’t sure how to do that. After 2 months, a few shifts at “Snakland” to help out my friend and myself financially, a phone call from my friend Sarah, and a few long chats with my friend Paul. R, I suddenly saw things very differently. I needed to look after myself first and then think about starting a non-profit AND I did have what it takes to start my own business. The business of LOVE IN ACTION!

After a few weeks of building this idea in my mind, I went to the employment office in town and inquired about the program. I was caught of guard when asked to describe my business idea to the man behind the counter but gave it a shot anyway (how to describe what I do in my life and do it well enough that a Government employee is going to take it seriously?). I did it and he was sold enough by my 30 sec explanation to pass me through to the next step and from there it became clear that I had met the right person to help me through this next phase. Thank you Paul L.!

The work I have done in the past was easy to explain; lifeguard, Nursing, swim instructor, laborer, etc. as it all fit into the societal norms and made “sense”, meaning I didn’t have to explain what it was I did as the job was self explanatory. I lived in a very rational world, very male energy dominated paths of determining success; money and material possessions. In order to bring balance back into my life, I have spent nearly 4 years living in a very irrational world where the intuitive, the “feeling” has very much become my norm. I am now at a place where I want to bring the two worlds into balance in my life.

(Ok, so I found a way to be myself even in the Rational world but really what I see when I look at this picture now is how much I used my sense of humor as a mask for my insecurities. I always felt like a “fraud” as a Nurse and did not take myself seriously most of the time. Now I am able to bring back those parts of myself and have it be authentic. I have moved through the doubt and into a new confidence!)

I gave away my belongings, left my home, my life and my career so that I could Heal from the inside out. I have healed to the point where I want to bring back in the things I need to thrive in a way that is true to who I am now. To do that I need money because this is the reality I live in today. I do want my own space to call “home” as I know how important personal space is for me and what it provides for me. I also know that I will not do “work” that is not in some way meaningful to me, which can mean I work at “Snakland” to help my friend and ultimately myself in the short term but what I really mean is that I am not willing to push or force anything that does not naturally want to open up for me. I can find meaning in anything but what is it I am meant to be doing?

(Letting go of possessions I said I would NEVER part with, like my 1970 VW Beetle named “Inga Ja”, was one of the biggest tools to my healing. I realize now that I can have possessions that serve to provide me with the life I want to live and not as an escape from the life I am living. )

I have explored the path of Nursing many times throughout this process, each time the doors just do not open or if they do, only enough to take a tiny step forward and make an internal shift towards going back into it to support myself and my vision. What that tells me is that even though I have a really nice safety net if I really need it, in terms of money and security, there is something bigger awaiting me that wants me to focus on it and not fall into old patterns of fear. I feel that until I fully embrace this business of being myself I will not be able to fully step into Nursing, although things seem to be happening simultaneously.

If I look at my situation right now I have everything I need to survive. I have food, clothing, a roof over my head and the love of all the people who support me in life. There is no reason to jump back into something just because it will give me money. What I need is to focus my time, energy and life on creating, even further, the life I am meant to live. So that is what I am doing!

(After a visit to The Pas in 2012, just after leaving the Ashram I knew I needed to be here but the time was not right. I stayed for one month and then headed to California to study Water Release Therapy (www.waterreleasetherapy.com). I had no idea where this would lead me but I knew I needed to do it before I committed to staying anywhere long term. Little did I know I needed to Rwanda first!)

The gift of friendship that my best friend and I share is something so transformative, unique and beautiful – it can hardly be described. We take turns being the rock and the water. We are creating a beautiful dance that supports us both. We both have nothing to fear when we have each other in our lives as we both understand or “get” each other in a way that facilitates change.

(On our way to the “Welcome Back Unicorn” Party that Carrie hosted for when I arrived!)

Together we have gone through many phases, trials and tribulations but through it all we have had an unshakable bond of sisterhood. This part of the journey is just a next logical step for both of us and makes perfect sense to us!!

So, after a few more meetings with the people at Employment Manitoba I feel more confident and supported than ever before. Something about sitting in a room with a man telling me that he believes in my vision allowed me to believe in myself at a new level. To be taken seriously by myself has been one of my life’s biggest challenges and I know that when I embody my beliefs I make others feel the same way about me. This was a very clear indicator of just how serious I have taken myself since March 7th, 2010.

(My home and “studio” in Rwanda where I created Healing Art, Love Hoop Rwanda and began the journey into seriously being ME in action!)

This is what I have come to see myself as, a facilitator for change and this is what my business will be. I will continue to take the next steps into what is being offered to me with grace and gratitude. I know the Universe had guided me to the people I need to be with during this time and that all I need to do is allow myself to receive the gifts that await me!

Hari Om

February 13, 2014 by iamloveinaction Categories: Love, Rebuilding, The Pas, Transition, Uncategorized Leave a comment

All Washed Up

(Hendry’s Beach, Santa Barbara, CA – 4 days after returning from Rwanda!)

We are all the subjects in the experiment called “Life”. Each one of us with our own version of “normal”. Not one single person can have the exact same view of “normal” as the other because we all interpret the world around us in a unique way based on our experiences. As I learn more about my “norms”, I embrace some of them but for the most part I work very hard to change them into choices. I don’t like being the victim of unconscious patterns that direct my speech, thoughts, actions and the path of my life. The work I do is all about being more conscious and aware of myself so I can make changes to live a more positive, satisfying and authentic life for me.

Each one of us has the right to live the life we want to live and we need not justify it to anyone. Even when I was living a life that created a person filled with anger, resentment, and fear, although unconscious at the time, it was a consequence of my choices. Now I think about my actions on a level that tends to separate me from most people I meet and has separated me from my family.

I am willing to do this because this is the life that has allowed me to Heal. I do not do it to make others happy or even with others in mind. Any response to how I live my life is for the person doing the judging to learn from. Seeing as I have experienced everything from people thinking I am insane and telling me they hate me to people who love me so intensely it is almost unfathomable, I cannot be attached to either one of those extremes or anything in the middle. I get pulled out of my own life and into the energy of the other people when I choose to give up my power in that way. I found a way to give myself meaning, fulfillment and purpose in life everyday and with this comes an intensely powerful feeling of what it is to truly live my life.

(California and “Hendry’s Beach” became my “Norm” when I was 27 years old. Coming from a remote Northern community, growing up places like this were but figments of my imagination. I have always been drawn to California and because of stepping into my fear it is now a place I call “home”!)

My thoughts, most of which I realized were not mine once I really broke myself down, were telling me that my life was not something I wanted to live or that I had to do it in a certain way in order to survive or even be happy. When we live unconsciously, we are but a consequence of many layers of “brainwashing” from a variety of sources that mainstream society is bombarded with on a constant basis. From food choices to sexuality; Education, radio, TV, movies, advertising, internet, family, friends, careers, money, government – you name it, there is a message behind all of it that seeks to keep us under control. In my life, some of it well intentioned, some of it seemingly positive but underneath it all lies control. Even deeper underneath there is a thick layer of Fear that drives it all (if we let it!)

(What is there to be afraid of in my life when this sweet boy, Mohammed, has no food in his stomach and no mattress to sleep on every night! Survival is the deepest root of Fear and even though he is barely surviving, he demonstrated a spark for life that captivated me. I am sponsoring him to attend school and I am committed to take him as far as he wants to go, even though I have no “Job” or steady income right now, I have a deep knowing and trust that I am more than capable of providing this gift to him. He in-turn motivates me to move through my Fear and be my most authentic Self! Urakoze Cane Mohammed.

Oh, and that sweet little man behind him with his finger pointing at Mohammed is “Issa”! He received a mattress and a fluffy blanket, for his family of 6, from the work we did together to raise money by Dancing!)

We are all subject to these influences in some way, at some time in our lives. Once I started to understand my mind and see how it was running all the time, like a freshly wound time piece without any control from myself, I realized that I was a simply acting as a puppet and handing over the control of my life. Something that was easily manipulated to fit into a system, a system that I did not want to fit into. I don’t really feel any of us fit into this system as it is so far removed from what is natural to humans beings. Since coming back to The Pas, I relate to the Aboriginal culture in a very different way and it was Africa that helped me see this culture through new eyes. Again, stepping boldly into the face of fear allowed for growth that changed the way I viewed the world around me.

(I have walked this path, which has changed now into an actual path and is no longer just a trail through the bush, many times before. It is the path I took to walk to Junior High, High School, and College! Needless to say I have seen this path many times but this time around I have a deeper appreciation for how amazing it is that I was/am so surrounded my Nature in my life.)

Everyone doing the same, all thinking and acting alike, even looking alike so that we all feel safe and comfortable in the world around us, which speaks to an innate survival instinct that we all have, can hold us back from living our lives authentically. I feel that any thought can be put into someone’s head if done repeatedly and from a variety of angles. This leads to unconscious behaviors that then draw us further and further away from our true selves. If we are all lost together then at least we can feel safe in that fear. To be one of the few who chooses to go against the grain, against mainstream and go with the flow of their own life is a very challenging road to choose. When I am immersed in a place where I feel I am greatly outnumbered it is even more challenging. Now here I am again, in my hometown surrounded by the same people and energy I had growing up, yet I am able to see it as a gift. What I see and what I know I was drawn here for is the potential that lies within this community for change both within myself and those around me.

(Rwandan people are deeply connected to the earth, which is demonstrated in their language, body movements, gestures, dance, art, communication, spirit and daily lives. It was through this that I was able to understand the Aboriginal culture that I grew up surrounded by in a new way. I returned with a deep appreciation for both cultures.)

Who am I to waltz into a community and say that it needs to change or that this is right or wrong? I am not doing that. I am simply noticing the habits, the patterns, the energy and how it feels to me. How do I want to feel while I live here and how can I create a space for myself within this community that feels positive for me? How do I make it a healthy place for me to live? For me it means consciously connecting to the culture and embracing all that it has to teach me, along with taking whatever next steps are presented to me while I am here. This is a practice that comes with me whenever I travel and is a very valuable tool to helping me be well in any setting.

I practice being conscious and aware of my thoughts, actions, speech, body and mind constantly so that I can make choices that are authentic to who I am at my core. I see the old patterns play out very clearly, especially now that I am back in my hometown where I was in many ways a completely different version of myself. Its not a coincidence that people that live together look alike, talk and sound alike, walk alike and relate to each other in a way that they are all familiar with. This is the power of community influence and it can be used to make positive change. I miss my community in California, The Kootenays and Rwanda very much but feel extremely grateful for having created them in my life. Knowing I have them to go when I need the kind of support they offer is such a blessing. I also see that there is a richness to my childhood home that I have long taken for granted. I am here to make peace with that within myself.

(My best friend and I, age 13, were both born and raised in The Pas. I moved around until I was 11 years old, then returned. We both had a challenging time as teenagers and left before the age 20. Somehow we are now both back here, living together, supporting each other and healing what needs to be healed – together.)

By striving to create a space that feels positive for myself, I can also create an environment that is open to others who are drawn to feel that same energy. This is not about implanting another form of brainwashing or manipulating anyone, it is about offering myself as an example of change and anyone who wants to join in can and will. I am the holder of the space. I hold the space within myself and it radiates out in my work, my life, my speech and my actions. This is how I attract those who want to learn more about how to hold that same kind of space within themselves.

Even my time at the Ashram can be seen as a form of brainwashing except there is one HUGE difference, Choice. It was like I was handed the strings to the puppet called My Life. I was never told anything, no question answered only asked more questions. I was given control and that was very unsettling. Since when do I get to make my own rules? Can I really say what I feel and ask for what I need? When I do or say something and I clearly hear a tone or feel an energy that is not authentic to who I am, I can change it? I was given back my power by being given the space to think autonomously.

(During my time at the Yasodhara Ashram I gained 35 lbs, found my Spirit and my Will to live, let go of emotional baggage that was causing me physical pain, and truly began to Heal myself! It was both my refuge and my launching pad!)

In many ways it was the ultimate “Brain Wash”, I literally cleansed my mind from the negative thoughts that held me in unhappiness and pain. I felt “washed” and like a clean slate coming back into the world. Everything seemed so harsh, so rude, so sexual and people even looked like robots to me at times. I got to see the world from the eyes of a new born and now am learning to keep out the things I do not want to expose myself to and consciously allow only what I do want into my life. No more wasting energy on things that do not feed me.

(On my way to meet with Bunny from the Self-employment program that I am hoping to be accepted to!)

Knowing full well that the only person or thing I can change is myself, I step into this next phase with a confidence and strength that comes from experience and knowing what works for me. My life, My way, My Self!

February 6, 2014February 8, 2014 by iamloveinaction Categories: The Pas, Transition Leave a comment

Fate vs Karma

C.G. Jung — ‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’

Relationship.

Am I destined to repeat the same cycles over and over again in love? Am I meant to be alone? Am I meant to be in one, life long committed relationship with a man? My answer is “NO!”

I am in relationship with everyone who crosses my path; young, old, male, female, dog, cat, tree. I am in relationship with nature. I am in relationship with my Self. Everything gives and everything takes in order to achieve balance. My life is a part of the balancing act of the whole world combined. I am doing my part in the relationship to create a more beautiful space for me to live in, the world in my mind is very different than the one I lived in externally.

My patterns in romantic love come from a variety of sources and some of them, I believe, came with me from past lives because I believe in Karma. These are the lessons I was meant to work with in this lifetime and they are what bring me closer to enlightenment or oneness and ultimately freedom! This gives me a positive outlook on my life no matter what comes to me because I see it as a gift. A gift that will lead me towards understanding myself and facilitates change.

So my patterns with male energy are obviously Karmic as they are very deep and have been my most painful lessons, this last one no exception. But one thing, one very big thing, has changed – I am aware of myself playing them out as they happen and can make changes in the moment. I have learned to listen to my thoughts and see my actions before I act on them by practicing control of my energy, emotions and self.

Awareness does not mean or even imply perfection, almost the opposite in my view. To be aware means that I am watching for my imperfections and flagging them. If they are something that I want to change, I begin to consciously watch for them with the intent to make a different choice. Not every imperfection needs to be changed but the ones that cause me repeated pain are the ones I focus on.

(These finger glasses help me to focus on my unconscious behaviors…..or this is just a funny photo!!)

Even with years of practice, I still play out unconscious behaviors, which when they become conscious I cannot help but think – how they heck did I let that happen – AGAIN?? Thank goodness for friends that are wiling to hold me to my truth (Kristen, Carrie, Catherine) and not judge me! All the work that I have done in this area including intensely practicing celibacy for 4 years has given me room for much growth but also reveals to me how deeply these patterns are ingrained.

(Amanda: I think I found Mr.Right!!!! What do you girls think??? Carrie: Ummmmm, that’s a blow up doll, he’s not real Amanda!! Kristen: “We’ll he’s got a mustache but I thought you didn’t like mustaches? Catherine: “What??????????”)

Celibacy for me is a dynamic experiment in which I engage in my sexual energy in various ways to give myself real life experience of who I am and make changes to facilitate who I want to be. I am currently teaching myself to be friends with men, to respect them and see them as real people. As I engage with willing participants in the experiment I learn about the patterns, I like to call them worm holes or rabbit holes that my mind loves to drag me down), and watch how my mind can create something out of nothing. This is the power of the imagination (Third Chakra) and it is also something that can be redirected towards positive, healthy outlets. I spent most of my time in relationship unconsciously and was always unhappy on some level because my partner was never going to live up to the person my imagination had created in my mind.

(My friend Brian helping me learn about being in a loving, kind, caring friendship with a man and what an amazing young man you are! Gratitude for you!)

Once I learned, through experience, that the energy which drew me to that person was created within me by my Karma, it flipped everything on its head. I began to question the idea of Soul Mates, Marriage, Purpose, and Love to the point of ….well…… Truth (for me anyway!). If the energy that drew me to someone who I thought I was supposed to marry and be with forever is now gone, as well as his physical presence, then wouldn’t that mean I was not living my life according to “the plan”? Would that not mean I would be very unhappy now in life? The way that the energy simply disappears after time leads me to believe that I have healed the part of me that was drawn to this person.

(www.amysenecal.com)

Karmically, I was now free of that burden and the lesson had been learned. Fate is then nothing but an unconscious pull towards old wounds of lessons unlearned in the past and we can choose to stay in this unconscious place OR we can choose to see it, learn, and grow. This may mean letting go of the relationship and the idea of Forever with that person and it may shatter our facade of our safe and secure lives, at least in our minds. If we hold tightly to the security of the idea of Soul Mate then we may be keeping ourselves in an old pattern that serves to create more pain.

(Check out the size of that “Rock” on my finger! It was big enough even to fool me, the biggest on non-believers in this type of demonstration of Love.)

He was not my “one and only” or my “Soul Mate”, none of them were, at least not in the way most people use those terms. I feel everyone who crosses my path in this life is a Soul Mate as they are here to teach me something. Imagine all the souls out there in the Universe, floating around waiting to be reborn, and of all of those the ones who are on this plane right now are all meant to be here so we can learn from each other. Some come into my life in much more intense ways and I feel that we have lived together in different lives in the past. Others may be new to me energetically and as I do the work to heal my soul I will be met with a more and more enlightened earth in which I live.

I know, Im getting a bit “spacey” here but is it possible that when we do the work in one life we can come back to another life (or “Earth”) that is on a new level and eventually we reach a place called Nirvana, Ananda (Bliss), Heaven, Shangri-la? Are those places that can exist in a human form or are they reserved for our Souls only? Who knows, I sure don’t but I can go there in my mind and if that is what gives me Joy and gets me through this life then so be it!! The mind is a powerful tool and each one of us can choose to live in whatever reality we desire!

To me, Sexual energy is Creative energy. When I stopped using it soley for sex (and all that comes with that ie: clothing, self-worth, language, etc.) I saw just how much of my time and energy was consumed by this unconscious pull towards mating, relationship, security, and reproduction. As I learn to channel it into things that I want in my life, I see how powerful it is! It is creative energy that created my life, it literally created me and is the reason I am alive. It also created a lot of pain. Now I use it for expression and living life authentically. The redirecting and control I now have over my creative energy (First and Second Chakra) has given me an amazing last 2 years of my life and especially these last 12 months.

(Self-expression through my outward image became a tool for creativity and a vehicle for change! This is costume making day for Thrill The World Kigali and it was an amazing creative project for all of us!)

At the Ashram, I stripped away everything that I thought was sexual in nature, ie: clothes, my hair, make up, self care, speech, eye contact, relationships, and focused very firmly on awareness around the subtle ways in which my patterns still managed to impact my life. I was lucky enough to be in a community that wanted to help me with whatever area I was choosing to work with. I had a lot of people to offer me insight into what I was not able to see for myself.

Situations were presented to me in order to call on my strength and many, many challenges in which to find my voice and see myself more clearly. I had a wonderful mentor who gave me support in a way that I can only explain as a gift from God. Firm, commanding, no nonsense kind of support that said to me, “ok, you say you want to change well this is what I see.” Not many people can give this kind of support in such a loving way and not many people can handle this kind of honesty but when we really want to change the most important ingredient is Truth, especially the truths that we cannot see or choose not to see for ourselves.

I have allowed men into my life who treated me the way I felt I deserved to be treated. Because of the way I was raised, where I was raised, the way I was taught to see my role as a woman, societal pressures, media, and of course my Karma were all factors in these pairings. Now, here is where there is a thin line between blame and acceptance of facts. To acknowledge that I chose this life and everything in it, from a Karmic point of view, takes the blame away for me as I believe it was my choice to have this exact experience so I could learn these lessons. I also believe that the lessons get more and more harsh if they have not been dealt with and the more times I take the same path, the more severe the consequences. So this is one area in which I know I brought a lot of Karmic baggage but I am doing the work this time for sure and I see how much growing I have done in a relatively short period of time. The men that come into and stayed in my life in the last 4 years are different because I am different. Especially the men I met in Rwanda, Gilbert, Justin and all the young men dancers. They have transformed me and healed me!

(

(Justin Bisengimana, my brother, my friend, my mentor and my healer! Ndagukunda Cane Cane!)

(Gilbert Rutaremara, my inshuti, my creative partner, co-creator of my vision, my inspiration! We are Love In Action!)

I believe that all of my work up to this point was to heal me in all areas of my life. Everything is intermingled within our minds and lives, there is no way this issue of sexuality has not impacted every area, every choice, every word, every thought. Im working with some very powerful energy and as I learn to become friends with it, which literally means becoming friends with myself, I see the beauty that it holds when it is used consciously.

February 4, 2014February 6, 2014 by iamloveinaction Categories: Rebuilding, sexual healing, The Pas, Transition, Uncategorized 1 Comment

Back To The Future

I am in the North, rough country, in the midst of a deep freeze. Feeling pushed, pulled, pinned, powered and propelled at every corner, in every way. There is a great ease of life balanced with harsh realities.

I am in a new culture, although familiar, there is shock. How to be here? Finding my way and learning the language of the people after what I have just come from feels like I am shutting down a part of myself that I just discovered but I know that I am just shifting it to fit the situation. I am a chameleon, my natural survival instincts protect me and a fierceness keeps my heart open creating a fire so bright that my Light still shines through.

My ideals are shifting, as needed to fit the situation, helping me see the positive. I must do the work to find the good in every situtation and see where Light is needed. This is my job. I have signed up to be the bringer of light to the people I meet and the communities I join, even if only temporarily. It is my way of paying back the community that helped me see who I was inside.

How to be here and hold onto who I am? Which parts do I want to keep and which to let go of? Ones that do not serve me here can be lovingly kept in a special place, ready to be called upon when the time arises. I feel myself slipping away from Rwanda, a natural letting go, which allows me to be present but feels raw and vulnerable. I fight to hold onto it. Still tears come to my eyes and a clamping in my throat (even as I write this) as I think about the fact that I am not there and all the people I Love. It is time to start writing and creating presentations about my time there as a way to honor myself and those who I am working with there. The community in The Pas is telling me it is time. People asking me lots of questions about my experience, comments about my articles in the paper, things feel easy and its time to stop resisting the outward expression of my journey for myself and others to learn from.

I have taken steps into a spiritual community here to help me through. Cultural experience is what I seek for connection and a sense of belonging. It looks different but it feeds me the same and heals me in a new way. It feels like a holding tank for all that I have learned so far. In this culture (Aborignal/Northern), woman is the symbol for strength, the turtle the symbol for mother earth and all the elements come together to heal. I see it with new eyes and feel even more grateful for all the work I have done to get to this place, I have new clarity on my life past, present and future.

Loving myself continues to be the root challenge. How to manage the change in climate, energy, the reality of my situation and give myself what I need. Trust. It will all unfold as it always does. Reminding myself that there is no timeline as time does not exist for me the way that it used to. My time in Rwanda was 5 months and yet it felt like years worth of experience and knowledge was gained. The recovery is just as intense as the journey.

I trust I am given all that I need, always. This challenge is great but I see it with the eyes of experience now and know that only good can come from meeting it. I realize how focused I am on my ideals, my goals, my life and my purpose and there is no doubt that I can do what I was drawn here to do. I have been intensely focused on creating my life, a life I feel is worth living, for over 4 years. With all of the challenges along the way that I repeatedly go head first into, I watch as my strength unfolds before my eyes.

Be real in the moment and allow myself to feel what I feel. Stay grounded in Spirituality and Love. Give myself a break, once again, and simultaneously push myself to do what I need to. Learn to give myself what I need so I can give fully to others. My self discovery leads to more positive change for others and that is why I continue to do the work.

Building a foundation first is my priority but it feels like I am doing nothing at times, which I know is impossible. I am in “seed” stage. Spreading them far and wide to see which ones will take root, then I tend to those that do and go from there. This is how I live my life and even though I know that, even I need reminding once and a while that is will all work out! I am good at this now, it is who I am, always have been.

Small changes everyday take me to the next big thing. I have so much inside me that needs to come out. So many ideas swirling around that I feel busy even when I am asleep. I love it! To have this much passion for my life is what I longed for and so even with the sleepless night, awake with creativity I am grateful.

Bringing back routine, making appointments, creating a logo and starting a business are at the fore front of what needs to happen now and that is where I am at. I need to be doing. I need to be giving and sharing my gifts but not without the necessary footing. I practice patience with every corner. Right now the reality is that my time and attention is also very needed in the home and for the family I am a part of.

How can such a simple life be so complicated and full? Right now I cannot imagine holding all that I did in my life 4 years ago. Career, relationship, house, garden, vehicles, city life, money, debt, work stress to name a few. I know that these are common things for most people but for me they were distractions from myself. Its not that I will never have or don’t have those things now in some way but it all feels very different. I can never return to it in the way I had it before because that time around was inauthentic to who I am. This is the beginning of a very new way of being “successful” and I step lightly but with confidence, knowing that I am supported.

Om Namah Shivaya!

January 19, 2014January 19, 2014 by iamloveinaction Categories: Transition, Uncategorized 1 Comment

Witness Change

I had purple sparkly shoes on that caught her eye at the age of 11 and that was what sparked out friendship, a friendship that has now lasted nearly 23 years! This girl, an unlikely match to those who do not really know us, has been there for me while I ride the waves of my healing journey. She has been my witness to change and with all the ups and downs, the dark and light, she been right there with me. Not always on the same wave or even in the same body of water but she is there regardless to wether or not she agrees with what I am doing. She is why I am here in The Pas, MB, a very unlikely place to return to (or at least I thought!)

I haven’t written much about my time here yet and part of that is due to the emotion that I am processing around leaving behind my time in Rwanda. This transition is the most painful one yet and it has thrown me in ways I was not anticipating. I had no idea what would happen when I came back to Canada but I never imagined that one experience could have such an impact on my life, and this is post Ashram, which in many ways changed everything about my life. Rwanda still managed to do what I thought was impossible and change me at an even deeper level.

(Mohammed is the one of many children the Thrill The World event empowered to make change in their lives.)

I see how all things happen when they are meant to and when we are ready for them. There was no way I could have experienced Rwanda the way I did had I not experienced the Ashram prior. I believe that I am on the right path and that one things leads to the next. The pieces of the puzzle to my life do not mystify me any longer as I practice patience and know that everything is happening for a reason. I can see how things will fit together even before they happen and when there is a shift to something knew, I see how that fits perfectly as well. I do this through self-reflection and practicing non-attachment. Although, I am also humbly aware that I really can’t know anything about my future!

(Myself and Swami Saradananda in the temple at the end of the 10 days of Yoga workshop, July 2010. He was instrumental in my journey and in my confidence to listen to my heart. Namaste Saradananda)

So the fact that I am now here in The Pas going through this huge transition into the next phase and doing it with my best friend literally by my side everyday is by no means a surprise to either of us. I live my life by following the signs to where I am needed. I am learning that when I listen and follow through I am simultaneously giving and receiving.

(Carrie’s 27th birthday!)

The Pas, Manitoba, Canada is the place I was born. Energetically this is where my spirit was destined to enter into the world. To me, that is very powerful and symbolic as the next step in this journey of healing. I am here to be reborn. I learned a lot about myself during my time in Rwanda, at the Ashram, and through losing and regaining my health. Now I am here to put these experiences together to become the best version of myself that I have ever been.

I have the love and support of my friend, her family and all the people here who have known me for nearly my whole life, some since the day I was born. I can feel all the support here in so many interactions I have.

(Carrie’s 19th birthday party!)

I spent a lot of time in Rwanda just getting used to the culture, the language and the lifestyle. Then I spent the rest of the time doing what I now see as a nearly impossible feat, hosting Thrill The World by myself in a third world country with so many obstacles, plus the other projects and healing that took place. It is just now sinking in how much I managed to pull off and what it took to do it all.

At the time I was just in it so deep that I didn’t see any other way to be. I was in love with what I was doing and nothing, not even sleep, hunger or money kept me from doing what I needed to do. This is how I want to work always, deeply in love with my passion. I have been reflecting on how much I did with so many barriers to my success. I never looked at them as barriers just as something that needed to be navigated in order to make my goals a reality. This is a huge shift in my perception and lead me to be able to do great things for myself and others.

(Thriller Group, still going strong in Rwanda with the support of Gilbert and myself)

Here I am now in a place that is not only familiar to me on every level but also teaming with people who already know me, love me and want to support me. The possibilities that come from setting myself up for success in this way seem endless. Anything I want to do I can do here. Is that scary to me? Possibly. Is that why I have taken 5 weeks to feel like I am ready to engage in something even remotely? No. There are many reasons for me taking time.

The reality of the change in climate/culture, the huge drop off in momentum in my life and the stepping into a completely new life within only days of being on the other side of the world where I was fully engulfed in Love, community, culture and discovering new passions are just a few of the reasons.

Other reasons are far beyond my realm of consciousness right now and I may never fully know what the impact is that I had or it had on me. All I do know is that I needed to rest and rest I did. Slowing life down to a manageable and sustainable pace at first looks like slowing it down almost completely and then as if like clock work I get a cold, which shows me it is not yet time to take on the next thing.

The reality of my life now is that I am here to help someone who has helped me in a way that, by my definition is the best relationship I have in my life at present. I am at a place where I am good, healthy, strong, confident, happy, unshakable and ready for a challenge. So here I am to be the best friend I can be to her in return. There are no IOU’s or pay back, it just is what needs to happen and so it is happening.

(New Years Day, 2014)

My days have been filled with taking and picking up children from day care and school, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, putting kids to bed, bedtime baths, helping her cook dinner, last minute babysitter needs for sick kids and parents or for a much needed date night. I am here to serve her to the best of my ability and I am so happy to do it. No matter what she needs I am willing to offer myself to make it happen. Wether it is to provide emotional support for her when she feels down, to know when she needs a good laugh, sitting with her in the ER for hours and being her advocate for healthcare or to just sit beside and so she can rest her head on my shoulder – whatever she needs I will do it. I am here to make her life easier so that she can make the changes we both want for her in life.

(Camping with Maya and Elicia, summer 2012)

This is not a give and take situation, there is no part of us that feels we owe anything – this is simply community and love in action. I get just as much as I give but no one is keeping score. We are both equally invested in one another’s future and love each other unconditionally. She helped build me up to the strong person I am today so that I could come here and be a rock for her to lean on. She created this for herself just as much as I did when I chose to consciously make more time for her in my life about 5 years ago.

The small action of choosing to make small phone calls regularly to my best friend instead of just big, long 3 hour conversations once every 6 months opened the doors to a friendship just waiting to blossom into something even more wonderful for both of us, all it needed was a bit of water. Small actions can lead to big changes in ways we never imagined.

(Highschool Christmas Dance, 1995)

And where is her partner in all this and what do her kids think about it? They are all here, making room for me, shifting things to accommodate this new permanent fixture in their everyday lives. The girls give me so much love, they even gave me their bedroom! They allow me to love them, help them, and I am happy to do anything for them.

(Carrie and Ken’s Wedding, July 2009)

Her husband just accepts that his wife needs her best friend to be here with her for support, he wants her to be happy. I don’t know many men that would want to have another woman living with their family and I know even less men that would be as open and accepting to this change in lifestyle. He demonstrates to me a willingness to make change happen in his life which I find inspiring.

(Carrie and Ken, 2007)

So here I am living in my best friends old bedroom that she and I spent hours and hours in together as teenagers. I have been given an amazing gift of friendship and support but I also know that I helped create this. It was not luck or fate that made this friendship what it is today, it took work and perseverance, which we both were active participants in. It is some of the best work I have ever done and I plan to continue to grow and learn with this beautiful, strong, caring woman that I am so proud to call my friend. I am here to lift her up just as she has done for me so many times before, which helped me create the beautiful life I now have. It is now her turn to rise and shine. I want to be the light that helps her find her way along the path to living in her full potential! Together we can reach new places of awesomeness and we are both more than ready!! I love you Carrie!

(

(Waiting for Baby Elicia, January 2010)

January 4, 2014January 4, 2014 by iamloveinaction Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

The Look Of Love

I have been learning to open my heart and let it guide me in life, which has lead me to a lot of really wonderful things but I realized the other day that I was still discounting my mind. I saw how I was relying heavily on just my heart for guidance and had placed a lot of resentment, anger and fear on using my mind. I know that I do use my mind in everything I do but I have been consciously taking it out of the equation for quite a while now which is not a balanced approach to life and has led me to some painful places.

When I first went to the Ashram I did a course that included a workshop called “Life Seals” which I have spoken of before as it is one of my favorite practices. The first time I did a Life Seal, I drew an image to represent my mind which looked like this:

At this point in time I had just had a nervous breakdown, left my fiance, had no where to live, was suffering from Severe Depression, Fibromylagia with severe physical pain, Bi-polar II disorder, anorexia, suicidal ideations and more. I was a mess and this image reflected clearly to me that I was very, very afraid of my mind. I chose to stay at the Ashram and after 6 months of spiritual practices my unconscious representation of my mind looked like this:

What a difference! I haven’t done one since but have over 3 1/2 years of intense spiritual practice behind me now and am curious to see what I find when I do it again.

The point of this recent exploration of my mind comes from a comment I received from a man whom I respect very much, Peter Haslund. He said: ” Well said. And I think you are 100% half right! Listening to your heart will allow compassion to be applied to whatever you do, and listening to your head will allow you to take sensible risks and choose between “this path” or another. Both are needed in this human experience. Stay well!”

This was in response to a comment I made about letting my heart guide me in life and how it was all I needed. It was his comment that helped me see how much I was discounting my mind as a useful and necessary tool. When I live soley from my heart I leave myself wide open for pain, hurt and a false sense of what Love really is. It also led me to a place where I was very vulnerable and then became a victim when I was not met with the same heart centered actions from others. This lead me to a an extreme place of anger, distrust and hatred especially towards men but mostly towards myself.

I was not considering what my mind knew was the right thing to do because my hearts instinct is to give love always to everyone. When I chose to give love to someone I also need to use my rational mind to navigate through the rough waters that it guides me to. Love does not mean I open myself wide to everyone and allow things to hurt me, in the name of love. I can use my mind to create healthy boundaries for myself and to know when I need to be cautious with my heart. There needs to be a balance and that, I am learning, is more loving and kind to everyone in the end. The way I was going about loving people before was in someways more conditional and self serving, although unintentional.

So as much as I want to be an open hearted person all the time, there is a time for my mind to step up and step in. I also need to practice being an open minded being in balance with my open heart. I need to make sure that I am being treated in a respectful and healthy way for me and that I am treating the other person with the same respect by not forcing my “love” onto them. This means that for me “Love In Action” can look like taking a step back in a relationship to decide wether or not it is right for me. Then if needed, taking steps to end the relationship if it is not able to become something that is healthy. As painful as that is for me, it is because I have not practiced being open and loving, accepting and non-judgmental AND standing up for myself and demanding respect in this way before, especially not in relationship with men (friends, family, etc).

It hurts my heart to feel so much openness and then have to be very real with myself and admit that I deserve more. It is my job to use my mind along with my heart, my intuition, my gut instinct to really listen and take time to feel out the situation before I open my heart fully to someone. I am Worthy of Love and I get to decide what that love looks and feels like for me. It is me that chose all of these relationships in my life wether with friends, family or lovers that ultimately led to hurt and it is me that can make better choices now that I am aware of the need for a balanced mind-heart relationship within myself.

Love has many faces and many avenues of getting where it is needed and how it is needed but what is doesn’t have is a dead end. Love to me is all that we are and in every action if we are willing to look very closely there is an element of love or need for love in all that we do as humans. My journey is about finding out how to heal those areas within myself and being an example of what can come from taking these often very painful steps towards living from our true nature which is Love.

December 24, 2013 by iamloveinaction Categories: Uncategorized 1 Comment

This just in…

I have always had a passion for fashion, costume, play and self-expression. I used clothing and dressing up as a way to express parts of myself but at certain times it was just a mask for my inability to express my truth. It allowed me to pretend to be someone I wasn’t able to be in my own skin. I ended up not knowing who I really was without these masks and nearly all of my clothing became a costume. I am a classic Scorpio in the sense that I really have lived my life in extremes, now I am learning to find my balance.

Stripping the facade allowed me to get to the roots of my issues and am now in a space where I feel I am able to bring back this passion and not allow it to be anything other a true reflection of who I am. My best friend and fellow fashionista has been by my side throughout this entire journey. I am now wrapped fully in her embrace as I explore even more parts of myself as she has opened her heart and her home to me for this next part of my journey. She has loved me for who I am from the moment she first saw the new girl in town wearing awesome purple sparkly shoes! My sense of style drew her in and we shared a love for exploring it together ever since. She has been my inspiration and my strength in this area (and others) for many years so it is no surprise that she is a big part of this phase. She helps me see that no matter what I display externally my spirit is what counts and that it shines through any costume or mask I create to protect it. I love you Carrie.

The priviledge of being able to update and change my external appearance to match who I am in every moment is just that, a priviledge. I never looked at it that way before but now as I transition back into my home Country where anything seems possible I see just how much I had taken it for granted in my life and how I resisted all the possibilities that it held for me. I even used it to make myself feel like a bad person for being born into such luxury. Now I see it as a gift and I can appreciate it for what it is and use it to uplift myself which in turn helps others rise up as well.

I went through a similar process in Rwanda with accepting what my capabilities were and learning to embrace them. Now I am here in Canada preparing to step into the next big adventure. I feel the vastness of what is out there waiting for me to grab, take hold of it and make it my reality. Instead of sitting and waiting for someone to take me by the hand and show me what to do, I am so proud to say that I am taking myself by the heart and moving forward with the momentum that I have created. The confidence I have gained in trust that I know what is next is a force that cannot be stopped. I have no doubt, no fear, and no hesitation only the reality of the fact that I need to retreat at the moment, knowing full well that when I am ready there is nothing that will stop me.

I have decided to go the Ashram for a few weeks to give myself the space to process all that has happened in the last 5 months. The way my life opened up and what I witnessed myself do over the course of this journey still needs time to become part of my cells, my being and my mind needs time to update itself. I feel out of sorts, kind of like all my cells are trying to turn into little hearts. Its uncomfortable but I know what is happening. I am grateful that I have created this life in which I have places, people and spaces that I can go to whenever I need what they have to offer. The Ashram is not only for times when I need to heal, it is also a place of great potential and inspiration. It is full of spirit, light, community and love. Divine Mother is so present in everyday life that there and it helps to return as a reminder of what my intentions in life are and how I can make her even more a part of my daily life.

In the last fews weeks I have seen many things arise within myself that I want to change and move forward from. Thankfully I have people in my life who mirror back those areas needing work and are willing to stick it out with me while I resist and play out old patterns. My heart went to a very dark place in regards to my relationship with a young man in Rwanda and I was able to see, with the love and support of both him and my best friend that I was again pushing people away in a very typical Amanda fashion. I had completely closed my heart at one point in the name of self preservation. I did the right thing because I honored what I was feeling in the moment but it was the way I wanted to keep my heart closed afterwards that was not authentic to who I am now.

I have seen this pattern within my family and my own relationships in the past and know how painful it can be for myself and others when I choose to stay in this cut off place within myself. I tell myself it is a way to protect my heart but really all it is is Fear. Ideally, I want to learn to protect myself emotionally without turning my heart off.

The first step is to let someone in – done. Then allow the old pattern to play out – done. Next step, awareness of old pattern playing out…done! Next, decide to change – done! Next, open my heart and listen – done and done! Now its time to take action. I choose to do this because if I want to be taken seriously by myself and others with my mission in life, which is to be “Love in Action” then I must live it. I am in no way discounting my feelings in that moment or the actions that I found abusive but what I am doing is seeing how my old patterns can taint my view in the present moment and make it difficult to see clearly. This is a defense mechanism to protect my spirit, which I have seen play out in all kinds of relationships in my life and I am now ready to move out of this pattern. I am taking responsibility for my part in all relationships in my life and seeing how my patterns create pain in order to make changes is the way to do that. There can be no changes if there is no awareness.

There are and were soooo many factors stacked against us during our time within this relationship and I see now how I let all of those things cloud my vision of Love. It is what it is and I know that it all happens so I can learn from it, in this moment I can choose to learn or stay stuck in the old ways. I trust myself more because of my experience with him as I now know that I will stand up for myself and speak my mind when someone does something that hurts me but it is then my responsibility to look at the hurt and find clarity within. This relationship helped me see how much work there is to do on myself in order to allow in healthy love. I am grateful to have someone who is willing to stand by me and let me fall AND let me pick myself back up again without judgement. I am in control of my own happiness, my choices, my mind and it isn’t an easy job to do but listening to my heart is what gets me to my truth.

Even though I feel like I am fixated on this one area, even being pulled into it in a way that distracts me, the shift in my energy when I decided to love allowed for more space to process everything else. This is what is real for me right now, I cannot ignore it and I cannot choose what my issues are or when to deal with them. I must surrender the present moment and deal with what I am given.

So just as it is a priviledge to change my external appearance it is also a priviledge to have people in my life who allow me do the work I need to do to change myself internally so I can live my ideals. Without others on this journey I would not have any reason to change. We are all in this together and I want to embody the love that I know exists within us all.

Open heart, open mind, open to love!

Om Om

December 5, 2013 by iamloveinaction Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

Let Love Shine in

This is a post a wrote about 3 weeks ago and didn’t publish it. I am rereading old posts and journals as a way to remind myself of my strength, my joy, my passion, my Love and my life in Rwanda. The transition phase is the most difficult for me and I, in the past, have often gone into depressed state during this time so I am finding ways to remind myself of how I felt about the potential of this part of the journey now that I am in it.

I have been cracked wide open. My heart no longer safely stored away behind my chest wall, it’s found a new place to live and it is right on the outside for everyone to see and feel and touch. Rwanda has simultaneously softened and strengthened me in all the right ways. The culture, like all others, has its flaws but I have found exactly what I was looking for and that out weighs any downsides to being here. I have given it 4 months and now I feel the time to shift has arrived and I act on my own knowing and make plans to leave.

Something shifts as I make the most concrete plans I have made in a while and suddenly life opens up in a new way. Something about the false sense of security that making plans gives me allows me to then fully embrace the moment. In that moment I was able to allow more love into my life than ever before.

The Universe provides me with exactly what I need to learn and grow on this journey and once again I was lead to a next step through MJ. The kids that I am dancing with have become so special to me and my heart is connected to them in a way I have not experienced before. They allow me to see my own potential in a new way. It has become very clear that after the event I can do more good for them by being back in Canada, temporarily.

As I stand before them offering words of wisdom from my own journey, encouraging them to keep going and believe that change is possible I know the words are for me.

All the pain, the fear, anger and set backs were mine to conquer and I can place blame on as many people as I choose but that does not move me forward, this experience does. Taking steps, taking action (I Am Love in Action) and making my ideals a reality is what makes change. I have a strong belief in myself and I see it being demonstrated in my actions, my speech and my thoughts. I love myself. I love what I am doing with my life and I am living my life with the intention of helping others with my own natural abilities, which makes my life an amazing journey of self growth and selfless service.

My heart opens by surrounding myself in a completely different culture full of life in a way that I had only held as possible in my mind, making it real allows me to then trust that part of me that fantasized about it and know that I can do anything I want. It may take a lot of hard work and I may have to let go of a lot of things but what I receive in return is so free, alive, real and awesome.

I will never be able to explain fully all that I have experienced here but the proof is in me, my interactions, my actions and the way I simply am now incorportates all the lessons I have learned. Rwanda/Africa is now a part of me at a cellular level. I am Africa and Africa is me. I have attracted wonderful things and people into my life because my intentions are pure, I believe in Love. Not love in the way I think most people immediately think of when I say that but Love in the most powerful, unconditional and intense way, Universal Love. The belief that we are all here to help eachother.

Love that lets us give up everything for a complete stranger. Love that allows us to forgive those who hurt us. Love that feels like a speeding train of goodness. Love that leaves us speechless and in awe of the raw beauty of simply being alive and human.

Because of all the work I have done to heal my heart I have found the strength to allow Love into my life in a more classic sense, with a man. Embracing the fact that I am a human, I am a woman, I am a sexual being and I am capable of such intense love has given me the most wonderful experience this week. It is possible to Love something in all ways and not loose myself. It is possible to join together to make something stronger and this is that moment.

Since allowing sexuality back into my life with someone who pushes me to walk through my fear and actually take steps towards who I want to be in this area I feel like a wave has crashed down on me and swept me into a flurry of emotions, tides and the ride is wonderful and so different than ever before.

I am seeing my growth and strength in action. It is more proof to myself that I have healed and am capable of the kind of relationships that once scared me. I am ready to be more of myself and this was the perfect time to have a beautiful Ugandan man come into my world and mirror back to me my own knowing and strength. He holds me to my ideals. He moves me through the fear and leads me out the other side as a willing participant. Allowing someone into my journey in this way takes courage, trust and strength which I am clearly seeing I have.

The other side is where I want to go, it is where I am meant to be. So I let go of the past and get out of the choke hold that it has had on me in this area for years. I breath life in in a new way. Its one thing to dream about what life can be like but the work to get there is not always so romantic. It has taken years of intense work to be ready for this moment and I am very proud of myself for all that I have accomplished. I deserve to feel someone’s arms around me in a romantic way just as much as I deserve to have the arms of man I just helped pay rent for around me in gratitude. They are both Love and now I see that they are both very necessary.

The spark of life that has returned to my life since allowing in all forms of Love makes me feel like a shooting star. I have more zest for life, more passion for myself and what I am doing, I feel more complete meaning that all of me is able to be expressed. I cannot continue to hold back the parts that scare me, not if this is what it feels like to embrace them. Life has a new momentum now and I am just flowing freely along with the waves.

Even though I am writing about the love I am experiencing in my life right now I am, at most times, speechless. My life is a feeling that has no words. It is just for me and for me to share through my actions in this world. I am fully committed to continue this journey and can’t really imagine it getting better but I have said that before! I am right, I can’t imagine what is next and I am not meant to. I just need to watch for the signs and be brave enough to follow through. The momentum of the Love that I am creating is strong enough to pull me through any uncertainty.

Thank you to Gilbert, all the dancers, Justin and his family, my friends and Collin for meeting me exactly where I needed to be met and dancing me to another side of Love.

November 25, 2013 by iamloveinaction Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

Self- induced Hibernation

Even with all the work I have been doing on myself, focusing soley on my healing for nearly 4 years now, I am again surprised with the reality of who I am and where I am at on this journey. My recent relationship revealed to me just how deep the impact of how I was treated as a child/young woman by the men in my life was and how much abuse I am willing to take, or rather where my self worth is really at. I am not placing blame for my actions onto others but instead just seeing how deep the impact goes and where it still impacts my choices in life. It stirs up emotions of sadness, frustration, anger, defeat, but what it doesn’t do anymore is trap me. I have grown so much and I do recognize the abuse when its happening, I just don’t really understand why I still feel I deserve it and therefor stay in it. Emotional abuse is soooooooo tricky, sneaky and hard to prove. I don’t need proof – if someone says something to me to intentionally make me feel pain – that is abuse. And if they refuse to acknowledge it, or turn it around on you telling you it is your fault for feeling pain- that is abuse. If they make comments about you to belittle you or tear you down – that is abusive. This relationship relates back to my family dynamics so much and I have received many insights surround that relationship as well so I am grateful for that.

What I have learned is that I am much more aware. I did see how I was being treated inappropriately and there was a part of me that said “I want to leave now” but another smaller part that said “stay here, he needs love and you want to give it.” This time the little voice told me to stay and I was aware that I didn’t want to do it long term but I knew there was reason so I listened. I was able to be quite detached throughout the time we spent together and just sort of watch him treat me unkindly, as a witness to my own life but not be effected ( not always but most of the time), I saw threw his attempts to play games with my mind. I saw my strength and was impressed.

I have a habit of giving love to those who hurt me in the deep seated belief that I can make them see their worth and ultimately change into the person I see when I look at them. I was able to Love this man for his Soul only and watched myself let all of his personality traits that bothered or annoyed me or tried to hurt me go, accepting him for who he was which was a victory for me. I am still learning to see men as human beings worthy of respect. Because I practice identifying with my Soul, I found it much easier to do the same in relationship. But what if these human traits hurt me? I am learning to Love and let go. Loving others doesn’t mean allowing someone to treat me badly just because I see that they need love.

The holes in my self-love were revealed, now I know I have work to do before I can be in a healthy relationship. I saw how much Love I have for others and how opening myself up to this kind love again healed me in many ways. I let someone into my life, my journey, my thoughts in a new way and I learned more about myself more about how important boundaries are for me and how much to let others into my process. This new way of being in the world is tricky because I want to learn and grow and I do that best through personal experience. Did I use him just to learn more about myself? In some ways I feel like I did. I watched as I put a lot of what I was feeling in general onto him on an unconscious level and when it was revealed to me through my practices I had to go back and eat my words. What was my intention then? I wanted to Love him just like I wanted to Love the kids I was working with for Thriller but is there a layer of selfishness underneath both of these – yes. I was there to heal and I needed others and experiences to help me do that because I am human and we need one another. Is it possible to be human and not be selfish in some way, shape or form? I believe in Love but I cannot always put myself LAST. At the same time I cannot expect anyone to think or feel the same way I do about what Love is. This makes me feel alone.

I learned that I am strong beyond my imagination and confident in ways I hadn’t seen before. For the first time ever my parents weren’t sitting on my shoulders (in my mind) in the bedroom telling me I was a bad person for being sexual – huge victory that I would not have seen if I hadn’t met this particular man. He pushed me in many positive ways as well, which lead to the growth that I now know is revealed in my unconscious actions. But I also made some really poor choices and put my self at risk, which again shows me clearly where I need work on my ability to Love and care for myself.

Am I destined to label everyone who doesn’t treat me the way I want or need as abusive? I can hear my best friends voice telling me that is ridiculous but I do see how I choose these people and then point out their flaws when it was me who allowed them in or even attracted them in the first place. That part of me inside that only feels Love when someone is mean to me is getting much, much smaller but it is still there and it still attracts those who see it. I see my part in these relationships and I see how I even took this most recent one for a ride in my own way. I have no regrets but can learn more about who I am now and where I want to go as a person. No one is perfect and Collin helped me heal in many ways through being exactly who is. I know we were brought together to heal each other and I am happy to see that I was brave enough to rise to the challenge.

Is it possible to have a relationship with someone who does not see life the way I do and can I ever really be honest if I am constantly in the process of changing and growing? What is honest in one moment is not always honest the next day and that feels very unfair to involve another person in. What I do know for sure is that I am not ready for a relationship. I know I want one when I am ready and that I will be even stronger when I do. I believe the Universe gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. I am grateful for all of it and hold no grudge against myself for the mistakes I made or the other person, we were in it together with, I believe, with the best intentions and Love. Ultimately what I see when someone is mean to me is the pain that they have within themselves and because I have been the mean one, the abusive one in relationship as well and know the root of those actions, I can have compassion.

I am happy to be free of this relationship as it was clearly a distraction for all the emotions that I was feeling about leaving Rwanda. My heart was wide open while I was there and the magnitude of all that happened needs time to process. I know I was afraid to feel it all. I know that part of my intense feeling of attachment to my relationship was due to the immense feeling of loss once I left. Now I am free of the distraction and can now begin to feel. Currently I am feeling “homesick”, which when I look at it deeper is more an unsettled feeling that is completely normal considering what I am doing. I also feel like I am in control this time of my down phase but am resisting going into it after all the momentum that my life just had.

Having been diagnosed with Bi-polar II disorder in the past I know about up’s and down’s and how they play out in my life. With the practice of Yoga as a major part of my life, I can see that I need some down time and I have planned this next step as a way to give that to myself. I need time to go inward, time to reflect and deal with all that has and is happening. I am choosing this down phase because I know what is good for me and that I need it to be balanced. This is big step forward in creating a life that reflects self-love and allows me to take control of my life in a new way by creating emotional stability.

I have been asked many times since I arrived here in The Pas, “Why would you come back here?” To which I can only say, “This is exactly where I need to be right now.” I am realizing that to live a great life I don’t always need to be in foreign countries, doing big projects and living in extreme conditions. I can be right here, where I was born, living with my friend in a small, northern town surrounded by natural beauty and piles of snow! As I settle into this next phase I know I am surrounded by Love both from those around me and within. Its time to rest.

November 24, 2013 by iamloveinaction Categories: Uncategorized 1 Comment

in the in-between

(On the highway from Winnipeg to The Pas, MB)

Every time I move onto the next phase of this intentional healing journey there is an adjustment period which lasts about 3-4 weeks and it never fails that by the end of the 4-6 months that I end up staying in one place I am smack in the middle of, what I feel at the time is the most amazing life I could possibly live, which makes for a challenging decision to leave. I am not surprised by my feelings at this point in the journey but I am however surprised at my ease and comfort with the unknown. Yes, I feel anxious, afraid, overwhelmed and like my momentum has come to a stand still but it is more what I don’t feel that is evidence of my personal growth. I totally trust, 100% that I am in the right place and that I need to be doing exactly what I am doing and I know that because I didn’t even really think about the things that normally we as humans worry about – shelter, food, money. Everything just lined up so perfectly and things were handed to me with such grace that it really has been a seamless transition from one side of the world to the next.

While in Rwanda, I would sometimes let the power of my imagination take over and create many big dreams and goals for myself here in The Pas. In my mind I have so much potential and am met with open hearts and minds with all that I want to do here. But as I practice living in the present moment I realize that I cannot move on to those next steps until I complete my last step. I still feel like there is a gapping wound in my chest and it needs attention. There was potential for me to continue working in Rwanda but it just wasn’t sustainable for me and it would not have helped me continue the work with the kids in Kacyiru the way I can by being in Canada but for now I need to sit in this in between space and let it all settle before I move into the creation phase.

(Rwanda projects: Thrill The World Kigali and Love Hoop Rwanda that came out of this same space)

I still have so much to process and write about but I am not sure I can, will or want to. Writing about it will never, EVER be able to convey the raw emotion, the lessons, the connection and the amazing healing that took place while working with the people of Rwanda. The magnitude of what really happened for me and for them hits me harder and harder each day and I see how I have created a distraction in the form of a boyfriend, a link to expressing all my emotion about Rwanda onto one person that I can have contact with while I am away. I see how unfair this is to everyone involved. It doesn’t allow me to truly feel what I feel for all the people there, the experiences and clouds how I feel for this person. I see the mistakes I have made in the last few weeks and how they keep me somewhat numb to the reality of how much I actually have to feel right now.

My Yogic practices are always with me, easy to use and I know from experience that they work but that doesn’t mean I am perfect in using them. I falter, I waiver, I make mistakes but the difference is I am aware that I am doing all of this – that is a practice in itself, next step to enlightenment is to take a step towards a different choice. I want to do art, paint, dance, write, swim, hoop, and be back on the back porch with things all set up and ready for me to express myself but I have to be patient. What do I do in the mean time? So far, I have been putting it all of this new and unsuspecting person in my life, which is totally unfair and a classic behavior of mine in relationship. So this I am dealing with first and then I can face myself more clearly and take small steps towards beginning to feel my experience more clearly.

My reality is that I am here in this frozen, little northern town that I called home for many years and am being asked to surrender to the fact that I need to slow down, rest, feel, work through all that has been stirred up during this amazing journey. I have to get used to people saying things like “How was your little adventure?” or “Cool, that must have been a blast!” I plan to use one of the techniques that I was told about when I was leaving the Ashram, which is to not really open up about my experience until that person has asked me 3 times about my trip, this indicates that they are genuinely interested in hearing about what really happened and protects me from feeling let down when all the person wants to hear is a simple “Great!”

I feel very protective of my experiences and in some ways I want to keep it all to myself. Right now though, I feel extremely sad, a little bit lost and like someone has taken my heart and broke it into a million pieces. I cannot explain the intense sadness that I feel inside now that I am back in a culture that to me feels incredibly closed off towards one another (in comparison to the culture I was just immersed in) and the added layer of winter isolation feels like I’m being pulled even further from connecting with others. There are so many signs telling me to go inward. Could this be the time to start writing my book? Perhaps, but I will not be able to see clearly my next step if I do not first unravel the past.

As I enjoy the beauty that is all around me right now in the form of love and support from my best friend and her family I am also reminded of my own nieces and the relationships that keep me from having them in my life in the same way, which adds a new layer of intensity to the sadness. I am and have been an honorary aunty to many children in my life and have lots of love to give to everyone but miss my nieces so much.

(Carrie’s Daughters 2013)

(My nieces, Kennedy and Nicole – these are old photos! Happy Birthday Kenny, I love you and you too Coley!)

But I am surrounded by familiar faces, places, things that for this period of time can make me feel very loved and cared for. My life can be very easy here, which is a big change from the last 5 months in Rwanda. So, as I slowly cut the cord that was created between myself and Africa I feel the severing deep within my soul but I also know that it frees me for the people who are next in line to be with me in this next step of my life. I wouldn’t trade any of this for anything. This is why I live, how I live and I love feeling alive, even when it hurts!

Gratitude, Gratitude, Gratitude!

November 21, 2013 by iamloveinaction Categories: Uncategorized Leave a comment

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