I have always had a passion for fashion, costume, play and self-expression. I used clothing and dressing up as a way to express parts of myself but at certain times it was just a mask for my inability to express my truth. It allowed me to pretend to be someone I wasn’t able to be in my own skin. I ended up not knowing who I really was without these masks and nearly all of my clothing became a costume. I am a classic Scorpio in the sense that I really have lived my life in extremes, now I am learning to find my balance.
Stripping the facade allowed me to get to the roots of my issues and am now in a space where I feel I am able to bring back this passion and not allow it to be anything other a true reflection of who I am. My best friend and fellow fashionista has been by my side throughout this entire journey. I am now wrapped fully in her embrace as I explore even more parts of myself as she has opened her heart and her home to me for this next part of my journey. She has loved me for who I am from the moment she first saw the new girl in town wearing awesome purple sparkly shoes! My sense of style drew her in and we shared a love for exploring it together ever since. She has been my inspiration and my strength in this area (and others) for many years so it is no surprise that she is a big part of this phase. She helps me see that no matter what I display externally my spirit is what counts and that it shines through any costume or mask I create to protect it. I love you Carrie.
The priviledge of being able to update and change my external appearance to match who I am in every moment is just that, a priviledge. I never looked at it that way before but now as I transition back into my home Country where anything seems possible I see just how much I had taken it for granted in my life and how I resisted all the possibilities that it held for me. I even used it to make myself feel like a bad person for being born into such luxury. Now I see it as a gift and I can appreciate it for what it is and use it to uplift myself which in turn helps others rise up as well.
I went through a similar process in Rwanda with accepting what my capabilities were and learning to embrace them. Now I am here in Canada preparing to step into the next big adventure. I feel the vastness of what is out there waiting for me to grab, take hold of it and make it my reality. Instead of sitting and waiting for someone to take me by the hand and show me what to do, I am so proud to say that I am taking myself by the heart and moving forward with the momentum that I have created. The confidence I have gained in trust that I know what is next is a force that cannot be stopped. I have no doubt, no fear, and no hesitation only the reality of the fact that I need to retreat at the moment, knowing full well that when I am ready there is nothing that will stop me.
I have decided to go the Ashram for a few weeks to give myself the space to process all that has happened in the last 5 months. The way my life opened up and what I witnessed myself do over the course of this journey still needs time to become part of my cells, my being and my mind needs time to update itself. I feel out of sorts, kind of like all my cells are trying to turn into little hearts. Its uncomfortable but I know what is happening. I am grateful that I have created this life in which I have places, people and spaces that I can go to whenever I need what they have to offer. The Ashram is not only for times when I need to heal, it is also a place of great potential and inspiration. It is full of spirit, light, community and love. Divine Mother is so present in everyday life that there and it helps to return as a reminder of what my intentions in life are and how I can make her even more a part of my daily life.
In the last fews weeks I have seen many things arise within myself that I want to change and move forward from. Thankfully I have people in my life who mirror back those areas needing work and are willing to stick it out with me while I resist and play out old patterns. My heart went to a very dark place in regards to my relationship with a young man in Rwanda and I was able to see, with the love and support of both him and my best friend that I was again pushing people away in a very typical Amanda fashion. I had completely closed my heart at one point in the name of self preservation. I did the right thing because I honored what I was feeling in the moment but it was the way I wanted to keep my heart closed afterwards that was not authentic to who I am now.
I have seen this pattern within my family and my own relationships in the past and know how painful it can be for myself and others when I choose to stay in this cut off place within myself. I tell myself it is a way to protect my heart but really all it is is Fear. Ideally, I want to learn to protect myself emotionally without turning my heart off.
The first step is to let someone in – done. Then allow the old pattern to play out – done. Next step, awareness of old pattern playing out…done! Next, decide to change – done! Next, open my heart and listen – done and done! Now its time to take action. I choose to do this because if I want to be taken seriously by myself and others with my mission in life, which is to be “Love in Action” then I must live it. I am in no way discounting my feelings in that moment or the actions that I found abusive but what I am doing is seeing how my old patterns can taint my view in the present moment and make it difficult to see clearly. This is a defense mechanism to protect my spirit, which I have seen play out in all kinds of relationships in my life and I am now ready to move out of this pattern. I am taking responsibility for my part in all relationships in my life and seeing how my patterns create pain in order to make changes is the way to do that. There can be no changes if there is no awareness.
There are and were soooo many factors stacked against us during our time within this relationship and I see now how I let all of those things cloud my vision of Love. It is what it is and I know that it all happens so I can learn from it, in this moment I can choose to learn or stay stuck in the old ways. I trust myself more because of my experience with him as I now know that I will stand up for myself and speak my mind when someone does something that hurts me but it is then my responsibility to look at the hurt and find clarity within. This relationship helped me see how much work there is to do on myself in order to allow in healthy love. I am grateful to have someone who is willing to stand by me and let me fall AND let me pick myself back up again without judgement. I am in control of my own happiness, my choices, my mind and it isn’t an easy job to do but listening to my heart is what gets me to my truth.
Even though I feel like I am fixated on this one area, even being pulled into it in a way that distracts me, the shift in my energy when I decided to love allowed for more space to process everything else. This is what is real for me right now, I cannot ignore it and I cannot choose what my issues are or when to deal with them. I must surrender the present moment and deal with what I am given.
So just as it is a priviledge to change my external appearance it is also a priviledge to have people in my life who allow me do the work I need to do to change myself internally so I can live my ideals. Without others on this journey I would not have any reason to change. We are all in this together and I want to embody the love that I know exists within us all.
Open heart, open mind, open to love!