Back To The Future

I am in the North, rough country, in the midst of a deep freeze. Feeling pushed, pulled, pinned, powered and propelled at every corner, in every way. There is a great ease  of life balanced with harsh realities.

I am in a new culture, although familiar, there is shock. How to be here? Finding my way and learning the language of the people after what I have just come from  feels like I am shutting down a part of myself that I just discovered but I know that I am just shifting it to fit the situation. I am a chameleon, my natural survival instincts  protect me and a fierceness keeps my heart open creating a fire so bright that my Light still shines through.

My ideals are shifting, as needed to fit the situation, helping me see the positive. I must do the work to find the good in every situtation and see where Light is needed. This is my job. I have signed up to be the bringer of light to the people I meet and the communities I join, even if only temporarily. It is my way of paying back the community that helped me see who I was inside.

How to be here and hold onto who I am?  Which parts do I want to keep and which to let go of? Ones that do not serve me here can be lovingly kept in a special place, ready to be called upon when the time arises.  I feel myself slipping away from Rwanda, a natural letting go, which allows me to be present  but feels raw and vulnerable. I fight to hold onto it. Still tears come to my eyes and a clamping in my throat (even as I write this) as I think about the fact that I am not there and all the people I Love. It is time to start writing and creating presentations about my time there as a way to honor myself and those who I am working with there. The community in The Pas is telling me it is time. People asking me lots of questions about my experience, comments about my articles in the paper, things feel easy and its time to stop resisting the outward expression of my journey for myself and others to learn from.

I have taken steps into a spiritual community here to help me through. Cultural experience is what I seek for connection and a sense of belonging. It looks different but it feeds me the same and heals me in a new way. It feels like a holding tank for all that I have learned so far. In this culture (Aborignal/Northern), woman is the symbol for strength, the turtle the symbol for mother earth and all the elements come together to heal. I see it with new eyes and feel even more grateful for all the work I have done to get to this place, I have new clarity on my life past, present and future.

Loving myself continues to be the root challenge. How to manage the change in climate, energy, the reality of my situation and give myself what I need. Trust. It will all unfold as it always does. Reminding myself that there is no timeline as time does not exist for me the way that it used to. My time in Rwanda was 5 months and yet it felt like years worth of experience and knowledge was gained. The recovery is just as intense as the journey.

I trust I am given all that I need, always. This challenge is great but I see it with the eyes of experience now and know that only good can come from meeting it. I realize how focused I am on my ideals, my goals, my life and my purpose and there is no doubt that I can do what I was drawn here to do. I have been intensely focused on creating my life, a life I feel is worth living, for over 4 years. With all of the challenges along the way that I repeatedly go head first into, I watch as my strength unfolds before my eyes.

Be real in the moment and allow myself to feel what I feel. Stay grounded in Spirituality and Love. Give myself a break, once again, and simultaneously push myself to do what I need to. Learn to give myself what I need so I can give fully to others. My self discovery leads to more positive change for others and that is why I continue to do the work.

Building a foundation first is my priority but it feels like I am doing nothing at times, which I know is impossible. I am in “seed” stage. Spreading them far and wide to see which ones will take root, then I tend to those that do and go from there. This is how I live my life and even though I know that, even I need reminding once and a while that is will all work out!  I am good at this now, it is who I am, always have been.

Small changes everyday take me to the next big thing. I have so much inside me that needs to come out. So many ideas swirling around that I feel busy even when I am asleep. I love it! To have this much passion for my life is what I longed for and so even with the sleepless night, awake with creativity I am grateful.

Bringing back routine, making appointments, creating a logo and starting a business are at the fore front of what needs to happen now and that is where I am at. I need to be doing. I need to be giving and sharing my gifts but not without the necessary footing. I practice patience with every corner. Right now the reality is that my time and attention is also very needed in the home and for the family I am a part of.

How can such a simple life be so complicated and full? Right now I cannot imagine holding all that I did in my life 4 years ago. Career, relationship, house, garden, vehicles, city life, money, debt, work stress to name a few. I know that these are common things for most people but for me they were distractions from myself. Its not that I will never have or don’t have those things now in some way but it all feels very different. I  can never return to it in the way I had it before because that time around was inauthentic to who I am. This is the beginning of a very new way of being “successful” and I step lightly but with confidence, knowing that I am supported.

Om Namah Shivaya!