Even with all the work I have been doing on myself, focusing soley on my healing for nearly 4 years now, I am again surprised with the reality of who I am and where I am at on this journey. My recent relationship revealed to me just how deep the impact of how I was treated as a child/young woman by the men in my life was and how much abuse I am willing to take, or rather where my self worth is really at. I am not placing blame for my actions onto others but instead just seeing how deep the impact goes and where it still impacts my choices in life. It stirs up emotions of sadness, frustration, anger, defeat, but what it doesn’t do anymore is trap me. I have grown so much and I do recognize the abuse when its happening, I just don’t really understand why I still feel I deserve it and therefor stay in it. Emotional abuse is soooooooo tricky, sneaky and hard to prove. I don’t need proof – if someone says something to me to intentionally make me feel pain – that is abuse. And if they refuse to acknowledge it, or turn it around on you telling you it is your fault for feeling pain- that is abuse. If they make comments about you to belittle you or tear you down – that is abusive. This relationship relates back to my family dynamics so much and I have received many insights surround that relationship as well so I am grateful for that.
What I have learned is that I am much more aware. I did see how I was being treated inappropriately and there was a part of me that said “I want to leave now” but another smaller part that said “stay here, he needs love and you want to give it.” This time the little voice told me to stay and I was aware that I didn’t want to do it long term but I knew there was reason so I listened. I was able to be quite detached throughout the time we spent together and just sort of watch him treat me unkindly, as a witness to my own life but not be effected ( not always but most of the time), I saw threw his attempts to play games with my mind. I saw my strength and was impressed.
I have a habit of giving love to those who hurt me in the deep seated belief that I can make them see their worth and ultimately change into the person I see when I look at them. I was able to Love this man for his Soul only and watched myself let all of his personality traits that bothered or annoyed me or tried to hurt me go, accepting him for who he was which was a victory for me. I am still learning to see men as human beings worthy of respect. Because I practice identifying with my Soul, I found it much easier to do the same in relationship. But what if these human traits hurt me? I am learning to Love and let go. Loving others doesn’t mean allowing someone to treat me badly just because I see that they need love.
The holes in my self-love were revealed, now I know I have work to do before I can be in a healthy relationship. I saw how much Love I have for others and how opening myself up to this kind love again healed me in many ways. I let someone into my life, my journey, my thoughts in a new way and I learned more about myself more about how important boundaries are for me and how much to let others into my process. This new way of being in the world is tricky because I want to learn and grow and I do that best through personal experience. Did I use him just to learn more about myself? In some ways I feel like I did. I watched as I put a lot of what I was feeling in general onto him on an unconscious level and when it was revealed to me through my practices I had to go back and eat my words. What was my intention then? I wanted to Love him just like I wanted to Love the kids I was working with for Thriller but is there a layer of selfishness underneath both of these – yes. I was there to heal and I needed others and experiences to help me do that because I am human and we need one another. Is it possible to be human and not be selfish in some way, shape or form? I believe in Love but I cannot always put myself LAST. At the same time I cannot expect anyone to think or feel the same way I do about what Love is. This makes me feel alone.
I learned that I am strong beyond my imagination and confident in ways I hadn’t seen before. For the first time ever my parents weren’t sitting on my shoulders (in my mind) in the bedroom telling me I was a bad person for being sexual – huge victory that I would not have seen if I hadn’t met this particular man. He pushed me in many positive ways as well, which lead to the growth that I now know is revealed in my unconscious actions. But I also made some really poor choices and put my self at risk, which again shows me clearly where I need work on my ability to Love and care for myself.
Am I destined to label everyone who doesn’t treat me the way I want or need as abusive? I can hear my best friends voice telling me that is ridiculous but I do see how I choose these people and then point out their flaws when it was me who allowed them in or even attracted them in the first place. That part of me inside that only feels Love when someone is mean to me is getting much, much smaller but it is still there and it still attracts those who see it. I see my part in these relationships and I see how I even took this most recent one for a ride in my own way. I have no regrets but can learn more about who I am now and where I want to go as a person. No one is perfect and Collin helped me heal in many ways through being exactly who is. I know we were brought together to heal each other and I am happy to see that I was brave enough to rise to the challenge.
Is it possible to have a relationship with someone who does not see life the way I do and can I ever really be honest if I am constantly in the process of changing and growing? What is honest in one moment is not always honest the next day and that feels very unfair to involve another person in. What I do know for sure is that I am not ready for a relationship. I know I want one when I am ready and that I will be even stronger when I do. I believe the Universe gives us exactly what we need, when we need it. I am grateful for all of it and hold no grudge against myself for the mistakes I made or the other person, we were in it together with, I believe, with the best intentions and Love. Ultimately what I see when someone is mean to me is the pain that they have within themselves and because I have been the mean one, the abusive one in relationship as well and know the root of those actions, I can have compassion.
I am happy to be free of this relationship as it was clearly a distraction for all the emotions that I was feeling about leaving Rwanda. My heart was wide open while I was there and the magnitude of all that happened needs time to process. I know I was afraid to feel it all. I know that part of my intense feeling of attachment to my relationship was due to the immense feeling of loss once I left. Now I am free of the distraction and can now begin to feel. Currently I am feeling “homesick”, which when I look at it deeper is more an unsettled feeling that is completely normal considering what I am doing. I also feel like I am in control this time of my down phase but am resisting going into it after all the momentum that my life just had.
Having been diagnosed with Bi-polar II disorder in the past I know about up’s and down’s and how they play out in my life. With the practice of Yoga as a major part of my life, I can see that I need some down time and I have planned this next step as a way to give that to myself. I need time to go inward, time to reflect and deal with all that has and is happening. I am choosing this down phase because I know what is good for me and that I need it to be balanced. This is big step forward in creating a life that reflects self-love and allows me to take control of my life in a new way by creating emotional stability.
I have been asked many times since I arrived here in The Pas, “Why would you come back here?” To which I can only say, “This is exactly where I need to be right now.” I am realizing that to live a great life I don’t always need to be in foreign countries, doing big projects and living in extreme conditions. I can be right here, where I was born, living with my friend in a small, northern town surrounded by natural beauty and piles of snow! As I settle into this next phase I know I am surrounded by Love both from those around me and within. Its time to rest.