What’s more important, writing about life or living life? To me it is the living. Things shifted so much after I expressed my truth about my family and suddenly I had all this space in my life, my mind and my body. Within that space I found inspiration, love, freedom and energy like never before. I allowed in what was awaiting me and it filled me with so much love and joy. My life became more full and rich as my projects began to take full bloom. I was living in the moment and there was so much to write about yet no time or real desire to sit down and do it – I was enjoying the ride. My energy had so many new opportunities and I was juggling so many new creative expressions that writing felt forced.
I realize my commitment to myself and to those who read this blog was lacking and it is only now that I see I had let both of us down by not communicating. I apologize for the sudden drop off in writing and now see that if I want people to follow, to be connected or to be a part of my life I need to step outside of myself even further and make time for those that I love in a new way.
During my time away from writing I allowed more love into my life in ways I did not know I could. My social life became more rich, I took on extra projects to help others, I hosted Thrill The World, I had so much going on and I found a new kind of love that once I let in I could not let go of. I was surrounded by Love in so many ways here in Rwanda and letting in a man was the last thing on my agenda, actually it was on my “not to do” list and has been for nearly 4 years. Once I let go of that concept as well the love just poured into my life and I was basking in it. Not that I didn’t have or feel love in a very rich way before I met Collins, which was only 3 weeks ago, but opening my heart to him allowed me to feel even more love for those I already had in my life.
I fully intend to keep writing and to write about the last month in Kigali but I also have to listen to what is real for me in the moment so I have no regrets, only lessons learned from mistakes made. In hindsight, I would like to say that I am sorry for the lack of consideration on my part for my readers and that next time I will at least write something to keep everyone informed that I am taking a break.
I am now sitting my a living room in LA, California feeling a bit surreal about the whole thing. I had a hard choice to make – follow my heart to where I know I need to go next in order to grow or go down an old path and let myself down once again. I made the right choice although I see how it effects others in negative way but the only option in my life now is to keep going with what I need and trust that it is the best thing in the end for everyone.
Leaving behind all the sweet kids I was working with, Gilbert, my friends, my lover, my new family and the energy of Africa was or is painful but I know I will be back and am connected to them all in a very,very unique way. My time in Africa showed me my strength, my courage, my immense ability to love and so much more. I am a changed being because of it and am forever grateful for my time there.
As with every step of a journey there is change. After communication with a trusted mentor I had time to reflect on my intention with my blog and how I was going about my healing process. I have no regrets but feel like my time spent dipping into the past is nearing an end. Is there really any point to continue reaching back into events that caused me pain in order to heal and is that what will serve me now? My time with Collin helped me see that living in the moment is much more powerful for healing the issues that remain present in my life from the past. He helped me move forward and out of the past by pushing me to act in the moment the way I want my life to be in the present. I have been afraid to step into the present for fear of my past, he helped me see that taking the steps out of the past, memories and fears is where the healing happens. I can choose to replay the same events that keep me hostage or I can acknowledge them, honor the lessons and move forward.
I am able to see how important it is to live life and not just sit and think/write about it. Collin helps me to actually be the change that I want in my life and it opened me up to more challenges and fear which lead to growth beyond words. I see myself more clearly, I see my potential more clearly and my mind has expanded exponentially since I opened my heart to him because it forced me to open my mind in a new way. Letting in Love from children, friends and strangers all felt very safe to me but letting in romantic and sexual energy was a huge place of resistance. In letting down my guard and relaxing into all parts of myself I found a fountain of Joy, Happiness, Peace and Love within. I feel more complete as a person now that all parts of me are being expressed. I am a sexual being, I am a woman who wants to be in partnership, I want to be a mother and letting Collin in allowed me to see myself more clearly.
The things I resist most are usually the things I want in my life and somehow, somewhere I learned to deny myself what I really want. Now I have a new understand of how to care for myself and that giving myself what I want is healthy. Rwanda helped me see what is important and where my energy is being wasted, or where I am using it as a distraction from being who I really want to be. Potential expanding, creativity, openness to opportunity and a life I never allowed myself to dream of is all my reality now. I love the person that Rwanda got to meet and I know that I am only going to continue to get better, bigger, stronger, more potent and expand into my own Self.
As I sit in limbo between potentials I feel a familiar pang for the life I was just living and an excitement for the blossoming life before me. It is always this place that I live in, never really knowing what’s next and in each moment feeling like it couldn’t possibly get any better – but it does! I am living my full potential, as my beautiful friend Jean would say, and I feel incredibly blessed.
Thank you to all my readers who stay connected, send me kinds words of support and help motivate me to keep going on this journey. I appreciate you and your patience with me as I learn how to transition out of my very personal and self centered journey of healing and into a more selfless and global vision of what my journey and life is to become.