Hold on or Let go

Amanda when she was just a little girl-1

While living at Yasodhara Ashram, one of the first things I really  realized was that change is the only thing that I can count on happening in my life. When I choose to surrender to what is happening, whether I agree with it or not, my life flows. We would often be asked to change things including where we were living with very short notice and I learned to embrace the opportunity and see the light in the situation. I also found that I could have a sense of humor about it all which really made it easy to deal with. I see how the Ashram prepared me for the life I am living now as I transition to something completely new about every 4-6 months.

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Since leaving the Ashram nearly 2 years ago, I have not had a permanent residence and have lived all over the country and in two different countries. If I had not had the uncomfortable experience of being at the Ashram and learning to detach from anything other than my spirit I would not be able to do what I am doing.

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So here I am again in transition and as always it feels intense but this time is different. I have just come from Africa, a culture that flipped a lot of what I held as “true or real” for me about how to live life on its head. In Hidden language Hatha Yoga, created by Swami Radha of Yasodhara Ashram, we were asked to see things from a different perspective by literally standing on our heads and seeing the world from a completely different angle. This then translates into daily life and with practice I learned to flip situations “on their head” and see it from this alternative view almost on command. This was manageable within the confines and support of the small spiritual community, but the real practice happens out here in my life now.

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I watch as my mind attaches itself to people, things, places in an attempt to feel calm, safe, and secure. These things are all just distractions from what I am feeling and yet I know that I am fine and this is just old patterns playing out. Like the tortoise, I carry my home with me always. My spirit is strong, my heart wide open and my home is within – this I truly believe and living this way for this long has shown that to be true.

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I am here in Santa Barbara, physically but spiritually and emotionally a big part of me is in Rwanda. I can feel that part of me missing and I wonder when it will catch up with me. Will it ever or did I leave it there? It feels really obvious to be feeling incomplete after all that I accomplished there and so I practice patience with myself and know from past experiences that I am about to step into something else that will open me up to more of myself.

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The good thing about life is that is just keeps on going wether I am ready or not, so I have a choice – hold on and enjoy the ride or resist my beautiful life. I will ultimately take the ride so why not enjoy it! I choose to let go and go with the flow.

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