Category: Uncategorized

Lessons come in all forms and for me this week it came in the form of a cold! I have been in bed for the last 4 days resting and giving my body the reassurance that I hear what it is saying and that I am listening. In Rwanda there is a very different way of seeing illness and I have been asked everyday, many times why I am not going to the hospital or taking any medicine. It is hard to explain all that I feel I know about my own body, how I feel about “medicine”, what I feel I need to do to for myself and to not come across as if I am “better” or more “advanced” than the people of Rwanda. There are many layers to it all and what I have found is that I am so much stronger and capable of just simply being me and not having to explain myself, just saying “Ouya, Murakoze” (No Thank you!) and continuing on with what is right for me. I was able to lock my door (to keep little ones out of my room), stay in bed, drink water, relax, write, read, watch movies and reflect without feeling too much guilt about it all. It is often difficult to be sick in someone else’s home and for me especially difficult to really do what I need to do which is nothing, be alone, not talk, and not feel bad about it. It’s not that I didn’t have moments of guilt or flashes of pressure to be better so I could show them that I can do more than just sleep but I choose to simply notice these thoughts, even sit with them for a while and then let them go.

So much can happen in the mind when we are left with just it as company and a body that is not functioning in a way that allows us to distract it from the thoughts that like to run wild. In this short period of time, I have gone from being homesick and totally freaked out with no idea what I was doing or how I was going to survive and totally ready to leave to feeling fully engulfed in the culture once again, hopeful and fearless. It is not because I am unsure of the journey I am on, it is simply the process revealing itself to me. Through this process I was able to see my strength and personal growth because I do not give into these emotions, feelings or thoughts that are based on fear – I get to the root of the fear and find ways to help myself. A lot of the time the root of the fear is something that is not a pure thought of mine and has been implanted there by some else, media, or  as a societal norm. The mind is a sponge soaking up everything is sees, hears, tastes, feels, and touches. It is my job to be careful about what I expose myself to and also to decipher what is real for me in the moment and decide if that is what I want to think or feel, or if that is how I want to respond, react or  interpret what is coming in. Like I said before, this is the practice of Yoga and it is through this constant practicing of being aware of how I act verses how I want to act that I learn about who I am and  who I want to be. This is a practice of complete acceptance of my own imperfection and a knowing that I can change and be who I want to be. Along with this is a greater understanding that who I am in this very moment is perfect because it is the vehicle to me seeing what it is that I want to change.

Acceptance for me this week came in the form of hidden expectations. As much as I practice not having any expectations they are there, and they like other things can be ones that I have created for myself or ones that others have created for me. One of my biggest expectations comes in the form of not every being good enough. I put so much pressure on myself to “Do” and to do it perfectly or to be the best there ever was and if I am not doing it that way then I need to just give up. What this ultimately leads to in my life is a complete stop of almost all things and a physical sensation of being very heavy, so heavy that it is painful to even think about doing at all. I end up giving up before I start. I have done this with many things in my life and now see is as a kind of reverse perfectionism. I strive for perfection so much so that I don’t even want to attempt, which to me reflects the underlying self-worth and self-confidence issues that have been part of my life for as long as I can remember. At this point in the journey though I am moving out of that trap of not doing and beginning to do, although it feels thick and sludgy at times, it is so much better than not doing anything. As I further reveal who I am not only to the world but to myself, I see how necessary it is to take is slow and steady to catch those moments of fear that create the stagnation and make them manageable in the moment.

One thing in particular that came up very strongly for me over the last week was that I am not here to do anything and if I am very honest with my intentions for coming here it was a fantasy that my mind has built for which I am not ready for yet. I know, as I have said before that I am capable of great things (as we all are) but I have to surrender to what is real for me right now which is that I am not ready. I have not healed enough to begin giving to others in the way I know I want to and even then I cannot do it that way I did in the past as that was what depleted me in the first place. As an empath (someone who feels the emotions of others) I have been drawn to do many things in my life in order to take other people’s pain away from them and what I did was take it on and take it inside myself. I did this with many things, for example with my Mother by buying her gifts to make her feel special when I saw she was not happy. My work as an RN, in all areas but most damaging to me were the Abortion Clinic, Miscarriage and Fertility areas of work, because I was unconsciously attempting to save everyone from feeling the pain I had experienced around sexuality in general. I was trying to save the world by taking on everyone else’s pain, thinking I was capable of doing so if I was a good enough person. This is not my job, this is not anyone’s job, it is up to each one of us to manage our own emotions and deal with our own pain – no one can do it for us. That took me a few years to learn!

What I realized this week is that I need more healing. My heart is just learning to open again and I have to be more gentle and kind to it then I have ever been. I have to honor my needs, my wants and my hearts desire at this time. Some family members have referred to what I am doing as “following my dreams” which is really the furthest things from the reality. My dreams include: dancing, acting, horses, water, acrobatics, helping and as I slowly unravel the layers of hurt around my heart I see that I have always wanted to be a mother. My dream was not to get deathly ill, tear my relationships apart and have no home, no things or no money – that sounds ridiculous when I put it that way but that is what is happening in my life right now, to some it would be a nightmare! But it is the path I need to follow to get to my dreams and I will do it because I am aware that this is the work that will lead me to being able to live my dreams.

So how do I stay in Rwanda and move towards my dreams? When will I finally see that my dreams are important enough to give time and energy to? When will I truly embrace my worth and how can I do that knowing that there are people who don’t even have shoes or food to eat everyday without feeling selfish or guilty? For now I just stay. I stay here. I don’t run away, I don’t give into the fear or the comforts that I crave. I stay and trust. It may only mean I stay one more day but for now, I stay.

What does it truly mean to be human? It is the one thing that we ALL have in common. It is the thing that connects us to each other but it is also the thing that keeps us apart. Every human being has a body and mind all its own, one that is shaped, formed, molded and trained by those around us and the environment in which we live starting even before birth. The layers of events, experiences, thoughts, actions and truths all being held within each and everyone of us which creates the uniqueness that I feel begins to make us feel separate from one another. It is true that no one else can experience things the way that we do for ourselves and no matter how much we try to explain, demonstrate, or express our truths there is no way for anyone else to truly see life the exact same way that we do. So as we grow and evolve into the beings that our environment helps to create how can we do so without pulling further and further away from our oneness with each other.

For me, it began with what felt like an earthquake coming from within the sac of skin that held me together as a human being. I felt as though I would explode, like there was nothing keeping me together on the inside. I felt so alone yet I had a family, a fiance, friends, a career, hobbies, a home, two cars, lots of things and a cat  – how come I felt so alone? What I didn’t feel I had was a purpose. I didn’t feel like I was being honest to anyone, ever, not even myself. I was always searching for that thing that would make me be successful, make me happy, make me fit into this world that everyone around me appeared to be living in with a smile on their face. But what I always felt was that those smiles were masks hiding the truth. I would often feel it in my body when someone would hug me or talk to me, I could actually feel incongruence and that was very confusing. Was everyone around me lying too? If they were, did they know it? Why? I am not saying that there aren’t times when we are genuinely happy, I am simply saying that as a society it doesn’t appear to be acceptable to be honest about how we actually feel in every moment. Our common courtesies of “Hi, how are you?” really mean nothing if we don’t actually want to hear the how someone is doing. It is not possible to be happy all the time, smiling all the time, kind all the time and yet we try to do it. We expect others to do it.

When someone is depressed we become uncomfortable and do not know what to say, we pretend it’s not happening. The person who is depressed feels even more isolated and alone because its not “normal” to be depressed, when actually it is a completely normal part of the cycle to be depressed. Everything must come down – emotional gravity, if you will. Pretending that we do not feel depressed is what pushes us into severe states of depression and the lack of societal acknowledgement that these times of darkness are needed in order to deal with the huge amount of stimulation and emotional events that occur in every moment of the day only makes us feel even more wrong for being human. I had so many deep, dark, what felt like endless cycles of depression and I tried everything. I tried counseling, drugs, therapy, doctors, natural paths, massages, shopping, boyfriends, work, food (eating too much, not eating at all), and I tried denial. But what finally worked was  – acceptance.

Acceptance of being human, of my own truth. Acceptance of  my own inner voice that had been trying to guide me for years. I accepted that I didn’t believe what everyone around me was telling me to be the ultimate truth. I began to trust that small voice and really listen to her. This is the voice that guides me everyday, in every moment I listen for her and wait patiently for her to let me know if I am doing what is true for me. I accept that my mind is only one small part of being human and that I can control it. I can change it. I can even use it as a tool to help me live a more fulfilling life. I learned this skill through my study of Yoga and it is not any easy skill to acquire and takes daily practice but it is the very tool that has allowed me to embrace the beauty of my own being. It  has allowed me to find, witness, trust and know that part of being human is acknowledging that I also have a spirit, a soul. By acknowledging my own divinity I can not doubt that all humans share this in common and so I am able to see the world through the eyes of the soul. This has changed everything for me.

I no longer identify myself as just a human body, or just a human mind. I am no longer held captive by my thoughts, they do not consume me. I can control them. If you would have said this to me when I was in one of my dark places I would have come up with all kinds of reasons why that  would not work for me or how no one understood what I was going through, no one could help me. This would have been my truth in that moment because the thought or the idea that I had a soul was not part of my reality. Once I realized that there was something greater, bigger in life than just being a human, caught up in the daily drama’s, I began to see that my life had purpose simply because I existed. Existing was purpose in itself.

So as I am here in Rwanda listening to and following my inner guide (Om Krishna Guru), I trust that feeling depressed is part of the journey. My subtle expectations coming to light as I feel once again the pressure to do something HUGE, something magical, something that I can hold up as an accomplishment and be recognized for especially by those who feel I am wasting my time. It is in the darkness that I have time to listen and allow the truth to be revealed. I keep on doing the work to remove the masks and see the truth through self reflection, journalling and  remembering to breath. Yesterday, I helped a woman who has been job less for 1 1/2 years make a contact in Quebec, Canada for a possible nursing job. Afterwards I was invited by her and her husband to come meet his family and spent the night being welcomed into a strangers home with open arms. I now have a connection to another local family and he knows an orphanage that has babies near by and will take me there when I am ready. I spoke to the local swim instructor about volunteering my skills to help teach lessons to the adults and children as well as teaching Aqua-Fit in the local pool. All of this happening because I accept my limitations, love them, work with them and trust that all things happen for a reason. Even something as simple as making connections with people  at the sauna helps me see how allowing myself to be human really is love in action. I am here to be healed by the pure and simple humanity that exists so raw and naturally in the culture of Rwanda. They in turn will reap the benefits of that healing as I learn to further embrace my purpose by giving myself back to them as a gift of gratitude. We are one in the spirit of Humanity! Om Om

 

 

 

Waking up to what seems like an empty house and walking out of my room to find, as I do every morning, breakfast waiting for me. There is hot water for tea, white bread, 3 bananas, 2 passions fruits and 1 tree tomato. I have been perpetually full since arriving here, the diet is very heavy in starches like potatoes, pasta, rice, plantains, fried foods and meat. So a breakfast of  Africa tea (ichai) suits me just fine. What started off as a usual morning quickly changed, as the babies realized I was awake which means they are by my side as much as possible, well at least the 2 1/2 year Abbey is. After making a huge mess on the carpet, we eat in the living room, with banana and bread crumbs we moved to the outside area and found Mujah (the nanny). I am greeted by her every morning with a huge smile, a giggle and a hand up in the air awaiting the high 5, followed by a hug on the left, a hug on the right and  another on the left, then another shake of the hand which is like a “we’re about to arm wrestle” kind of grip! I love it. I love the ritual of it all and that everyone, acknowledges everyone at every encounter with presenting at least an open palm, face up hand and sometimes just laying their arm out for you to grab anywhere you like!

 

 

We spent some time peeling potatoes, singing, playing with my computer and then I introduced her to iphoto on my MAC which was an absolute hit! I have had many a gut busting laugh-a-thons with friends and family (see below) on iphoto and this was no exception. I thought at first she was freaked out, her faced looked like she had no idea what she was seeing and then she started to laugh and dance and have a great time with it. Again I realized that I do not need to do anything to bring joy or happiness, I simply need to take the time to share what is real in my life and my world. It was obvious that sharing something fun with Mujah and Abbey was a great way to lighten day, bring a whole lot of laughter to our day and when I hear that Abbey has been talking about what we do together all day to her family, I know its because I am having an impact on her life just as she is on mine.

 

 

And there are many, many more where these came from!!

 

 

What I am starting to come into is a place of comfort, relaxation and acceptance of my reality. I accept that I have little money but I still need to spend some in order for the process of discovering what it is I am doing here. I accept that I am in a completely new country that feels very, very new to me and I do have a bit of fear about going too far from home or just heading out for the day with no destination. I accept that I need time to adjust and that time often feels or my mind tries to tell me that it feels like, I am not doing anything or enough or the wrong thing, but I just sit back and watch it, ride it out and come back to reality which means reminding myself – “ahh Hello, you moved to a new country where you don’t speak the language, don’t really know anyone, have no idea what skills you are going to be asked to use, no real clear path for a job……” and that usually helps me come to some kind of place of compassion for myself! Reality check, what I am doing is not an easy task and I am doing amazing, all things considered.

When I think of my life pre-ashram, I remember lists – lots and lots of lists, always planning, checking, organizing, scheduling, checking off things, all of which I see now were an attempt to feel like I had some kind of control in my life. I was not an “A” type personality but I still put a lot of pressure on myself to do things, and when I didn’t I would beat myself up mentally, telling myself I was a loser for not being able to do all of it, not having enough time and not working hard enough. I would blame myself and tell myself I was too lazy, good for nothing. It felt really good to accomplish things and really, really bad when I didn’t. Lists are not the culprit here and neither is being organized, I love those qualities about myself, it was the mental chatter that had to stop. So not only did I stop making lists, I stopped planning my life. I let go completely of the idea that I could actually organize life all the time the way I wanted it and plan how things were going to be – I did this when I realized that I was not in control at all of anything in my life other than my mind. When I learned to control my mind, which is a constant battle but one that I am winning, I learned to stop beating myself up and instead  can be compassionate, more realistic and more open to the flow of my own Divine spirit. Now I live life in the present moment, free to change plans last minute if it doesn’t feel right while still be a committed person. Making the commitment to come to Rwanda was part of the flow and offered me the challenge to focus on one thing while still living my ideals.

(As I looked for a photo to put in here to depict this pre-ashram, “Lister” personality, I realized that all of my photos show me looking very free, very flowy and often full of Joy, even when I was ill. I began to wonder what it was I was looking for, something straight laced, uptight and angry…well here’s the thing it was all in my mind and while there are obvious differences in my physical appearance that reflect to me what I was going through at the time, there will be no pictures of me being anything other than who I was allowing  myself to show the world which was always shiny, bright, happy and joyful. This was also part of the problem but what this exercise is allowing me to see that my spirit was very strong and bright. There is something in these photos that I cannot deny is very real and that is my spirit, it wasn’t broken – was that all in my mind too?)

Today that spirit of free flowing life lead me to so many wonderful things, including what I spoke of above , like  dancing and singing with Abbey, having baby Kenny fall asleep in my arms while we had some quite time, a good talk with Alice (Abbey and Kenny’s mama), helping cook dinner, and going to my first traditional Rwandan dance class with a man I was introduced to via Mary Jo from Santa Barbara, Gilbert. Gilbert is a very sweet, gentle, kind spirit who has a very firm belief in God and in love. He told me so many things today that I found not only inspiring but also very true to me as well. He has great talent, a generous heart and wants to make a difference in the lives of the children that he teaches dance to for me. His class practiced the traditional dance of the Twas tribe today and I was able to join in. Right away he said “slow down, you need to feel it!” This is how I find my next steps and how life unfolds – try something, feel it and see what happens. Riding home behind a small Rwandan man on a Moto, feeling so wonderfully free and looking out over the hills bathed by the sunset, I said to myself “Wow! This is beautiful!” and I meant – LIFE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I first ended my engagement and had the prospect of a new life in front of me so many woman had the same response – “You are so lucky, you can just start all over and do whatever you want to. You are free!” At the time, having been through breakups before I knew it was true to an extent but there is always the wading period in between one thing and the next where it feels very scary and shaky. Once I find my feet I am fine. Back then that usually meant finding a new man. When I took that out of the equation it felt even more shaky because that was the old fall back, that was what I was looking for  right? A man to complete me. Now as I am on this road of transformation and I have realized for myself how powerful it is to be alone I no longer feel like I am in need of anything to complete me, I am whole on my own. This took a long time to realize and is very hard to explain to people, especially in a culture where you are meant to marry and have babies.

The other night there were friends over for dinner and one of them asked me “Why did your mom have you?” That was an interesting question and one I though could better be answered by my mother herself but what they meant was- your mother had you so that you could be a mother, that is the purpose of your life. I have never been one of those girls who always knew she wanted to have babies but I have always loved babies.

The other day I had Justin’s little baby boy Kenny Joesph on my back in the kitchen and it was such a wonderful feeling. They simply put the child on their backs, lean over and put a sheet around them both and tuck it in like you would a towel after you’ve had a shower, stand up straight and do the same to the bottom. The babes love it and spend hours there, tucked into the backside of the woman’s heart. This is the exact place that I have been intentionally working with healing through breath, acupuncture and reflection for about 6 months, so when I noticed that it was the exact place that the babies lay their heads  I knew I needed to put one on my back ASAP! Now any chance I get – baby goes on my back!

What I was wanting to communicate today was more along the lines of what I day in the life of a free, wandering, yogini really looks like. People also often say that it must be great to have the life I have now, so free of responsibility and just going where the wind takes me. Sometimes it is just that easy, that free, that wonderful  but there is also the reality of getting to that place and allowing it to happen which takes a lot of patience, trust and self-love. Not everyone says or thinks positive things about how I live my life and it is because I have the life I have that I can fully take the time to process the emotions that arise when things like that happen, and they do. Also the the simple act of living creates opportunities for conflict both internal and external. One small event can be my main focus for days or even weeks. It is because I give it my full attention, and my intention is to feel what is happening, work with the energy and move it out of my body. I do not want any residual sludge left over in my body causing me pain and I certainly don’t want to react from old patterns of being, I want to respond with Love.  This is the learning. This is the growth. This is the work I have to do to heal and it works (for me).

I know from experience that this can be a long, lonely, difficult to explain, and painful experience and at times it seems to  happen alot. When my body feels heavy, my mind feels full, my heart ripped open and sometimes all I can do is be still and watch. This can mean that even if I am in a magical place like Santa Barbara with the beach and dolphins only 5 mins away – I spent 5 days in my apartment being silent, nurturing myself, feeding my soul and giving myself the space I need. This does not sound like the fantasy that those woman who were so excited about my new found freedom were thinking of but for me it is what I know I need to do to have those wonderful moments. By honoring what is needed in the moment I allow the energy to pass through and I am lighter, happier and more clear from old baggage making the next moment even more wonderful!

So as I slept away a few days processing all that happened with the group here in Rwanda and now as I enter into a phase of dealing with transition into living in Kigali and what that will look like,  I need to honor  all of the small steps that will eventually make up a wonderful experience. Taking time to be grateful for each and every moment and trusting completely that whatever I am doing, if I am doing with awareness is exactly what I am meant to do. Wether its in my room watching a movie, on a “Moto” going out on my own for the first time, sitting in silence, making connections, sending emails, feeling sadness, being at the pool, washing clothes by hand or carrying a sweet baby on my back – they are all pieces to the puzzle of my life and I enjoy not knowing what the final picture will look like, that is the gift awaiting me at the end of my journey!

Lyrics from theme song to Being Erica by Lily Frost:

It’s clearer inside of me
Who I will always be
Here at the core of my heart
Mystics & cynics & crystals & memories
Beginning to line up the stars
Shining the light in the night
Raising the veil from my eye
Cause of my strength
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted to be…
Here I am this is me where Ill be
In the dark [&] in the light [&] in the wrong in the right…
Karma is energy Give me my destiny
Everything happens for a reason
Every choice that I make
Changes the course I take
Won’t be afraid when I make mistakes
Open my arms & give in
Do it all over again
Do it all over
Again & again,
To get to the end
Of who I am now.
I’m gonna find the answers &
Yes I know how
I know I can win
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted
& everything I ever wanted
To be
Here I am
This is me
Who am I?
Wait & see…

“Fibromyalgia” rears its head, although I do not subscribe to the western medicine approach to diagnosis, this is the term used in this thinking for the symptoms I felt today. Over the last 3 years I have been watching how an emotionally upsetting event can create the same or very similar reactions in my body. It is like an experiment and I am always recording either mentally, in my journal or at times even on graphs on my computer. As I process the emotions that arise the symptoms disappear. This is in part, how I came to the understanding that my body was telling me that I needed to deal with my emotions in the moment, any unresolved issues would remain trapped inside my body. I began to see my body as a tool, a very smart tool.

Ultimately after 30 years of not dealing with or not expressing my true emotions about certain events my body literally shut down, stopped moving all together. Wether it was going unconscious during a staff meeting with full mental abilities in tack (strange and hard to explain but very real) or lying frozen on my couch after barely making it home in cab from work, my body was trying to tell me to change.

Again, my experiences are my reality and there is nothing that anyone can say or do to me that will make me doubt that I am doing the right thing for me in my life.  As another layer of support is removed from my life and I allow my body to process the pain that physically manifests as the letting go of illusions continues to play out making room for more light. So happy to be getting it out of my body, mind and spirit. I welcome the pain as it exits and send it out with as much gratitude and compassion as I possibly can in the moment. Realizing today that the healing is still a very real reality for me on many levels and that I am here to receive the gifts of love and support that this wonderful family, culture, people and country has to offer me, not necessarily the other way around. I came here as a next step in my own healing and it is becoming more clear as to the magnitude of what that really means…

A wonderful night of celebrating family and friends, speaking french, cooking food, babies and children and creating a new foundation for my life! Just some of the many blessings Rwanda offers me daily!

 

 

 

So much happens in such a short period of time, even with very limited movement from my room over the last week! I wake up every morning to the sounds of a family that has embraced me so warmly and openly. The singing, the joyful laughter, the calls of baby Joeseph and the little feet of Abbey (seen in photo above), the voices of new people that have come to visit and  even slept over from the night before. All of this happening in a language that I don’t understand and with an energy like nothing else I have experienced. My first impression is one of disbelief for this being my life and how awesome this experience really is. How did I manifest living with a local Rwandan family? How am I so lucky to be living life exactly how I want to be? The answer for me is a deep desire for Truth, a willingness to do the hard work to find it, and the courage to look it straight in the eye and deal with it. I am extremely grateful for being the person that I am and I feel I have many ancestors who have paved the way for me both karmically and worldly.

The reality of this hit home a few nights ago as I helped fill water containers (yellow, plastic, usually dirty, in various sizes) from the outdoor kitchen to the “Afritank” which is a huge, black plastic container with a tap that holds their water, and doing so in the dark. Alice (Justin’s wife), told me this is called “incogo” (I maybe mistaken with the spelling) as I placed the full containers up on the top shelf along on wall of the kitchen. When I say kitchen I do not mean it the way most people reading this will likely imagine as it really looks more like a shed. It is made of 4 concrete walls painted a dingy brownish color (in some places), the door leading in has a broken window which no is bothered by and has a few shelves, a sink that does not run or hold water (!), plastic buckets full of all kinds of powdery looking things like flour. There are root vegetables in piles on the floor for cooking and a large sack of dried Eucalyptus leaves stands 4 feet tall over by the small clay pots that are placed on stands which hold the fire for cooking. There is a tiny stove but it is never used as it is too expensive to pay for electricity and a bit of counter space on each wall. I am absolutely amazed by the food that is prepared in this little room! Not only is it well cooked but the variety and the abundance of it is impressive. Something about being a part of this process revealed a new layer to me and the fact that I now live in Rwanda and this is my life began to sink in. I am seeing how all of my experiences in my own life up to this point prepared me for all of this and that this is why I feel so comfortable. Life, for me, is not about my wants and desires and controlling where my life takes me, its about surrendering to what is needed from me and going where I can offer myself. With this comes a trust that I am gathering all that I need along the way to prepare me for the next step.

I grew up with a family that loved to camp, be outdoors and really is able to “rough it”. I learned valuable skills that until more recently didn’t see as skills. I am totally comfortable peeing outdoors, bathing (or not!) with cold water, a bucket and tiny towel. I can cook over a fire and will eat it even if its been dropped on the ground. My experience at the Ashram taught me how to be grateful for whatever I am given and so eating unfamiliar foods, things I do not want to eat or feel are not the best choices for me are taken with a smile and an appreciation for the fact that I have a full stomach. I am able to sleep on or in whatever I am given and am comfortable sharing my bed with strangers if need be, which was the case last week as I shared a bed with Justin’s sister Chantal at the Hotel in Cyangugu. The added element of not speaking the same language didn’t even seem to cause a stir in my emotional core. Yesterday I came home from the pool , where I inadvertently began giving swimming lessons and having races with the locals, to find that someone had been sleeping in or on my bed and that my computer had been used while I was away. In that moment I felt this sense of entitlement come over me. I heard my mind say “I wish they would have asked me first” and my heart began to race out of fear. I felt all kinds of things like violation of my “private space”, disrespect, and  even anger. But because of the work I have been doing on myself and the teachings of the Ashram I was able to sit, feel, let it go and come back to the present moment.

In this present moment, I live in a home that works very, very differently than anywhere I have ever experienced and in a way that I want to embrace. I see the woman here caring for each other, each others babies, sharing beds, sharing food, sharing shoes and clothes, bathing each other and I began to feel a sense of honor. I am honored to be a part of such a beautiful community of woman, in a country where this is the norm. I am honored to be invited into their homes and hearts and to be cared for by them. I am honored that they feel comfortable coming into a space where my things are and using them. I do not really “own” these things, as the second that I am not here they become just things for anyone to use, this is not “my” room, this is not “my” space – it is a community where everything is offered and given with grace and ease.

So again, I ask myself how I manifested this in my life and I am able to answer it easily when I look back at the natural progression that has brought me here. I am well prepared because of all the lives I have lived in this one lifetime. I know that I belong here right now because of how I feel. I am ready to heal on this level. Creating new ways of interacting with people, family and community. Learning to see my worth and ultimately everyone’s innate worth through being a part of a group where every little thing counts. Wether its drying off Abbey after her “Coga” (shower) and dressing her for bed, giving a small massage to Mujah (the housekeeper/nanny, post genocide orphan) at the end of the day, helping someone swim the butterfly a little better, sweeping the cement patio or simply saying “Amakoru Ki?” to people as I pass them – just being here, just being me, willing to offer myself is the healing. It is the life I meant to live. It is love and Love is all you need!

 

 

 

I watch my mind tell me that I need to get up and help, be happy and smiley, be social and all kinds of other things to make myself feel worthy of this gift of a wonderful home full of love, family, food and warmth. I quickly am able to put that aside as I realize the magnitude of the experience I just had with the group and how emotionally I am exhausted which in turn feels like physical exhaustion, they are not two separate things for me. Giving myself the time I need to recuperate and process all that has happened over the last 2 weeks is vital to learning and growing from these experiences. If I do not take the time to rest and listen to my body I will be doing the same things that ultimately led me down a road of dis-ease, kaos, and unrest in my body and in my life. It starts small but every time I catch the old ways of thinking, being and feeling in action I am reminded of where it leads and it makes it VERY easy to say listen. In that moment I am able love and honor my higher self and the reality of my human needs.

After a few days of feeling utterly exhausted I decided to look into getting some much needed rejuvenation in the form of massage, pool, steam and sauna. Lucky for me I discovered these types of places are all over and there is one 5 mins away by foot, so no more need for a 5 star hotel. I have an amazing relaxation hot spot just around the corner. I spent the afternoon there going from cold pool to sauna to the pool to the steam  room and also had probably the best massage I have ever had, all for the bargain price of 8000 RWF ($12 US).

It is no coincidence to me that I have access to this wonderful place as I know how I thrive and how to make that happen. I really had discarded the idea of water being a part of my time here in Rwanda but am more than pleasantly surprised by the apparent abundance and affordability of it. I feel as though the universe has guided me to this exact place and is looking out for my needs. I also found out today that there is a Canadian woman living in the house next to me. I can feel the moment building in terms of next steps being revealed and my heart is drawing me closer to finding a volunteer position at one of the orphanages in town but I will continue to be patient and see what happens next.

A pleasant surprise for me on my way home was seeing Bosco (our Bus driver for the group trip) and his nephew walking towards me, they were on their way to see me at the pool! It felt surreal to look up and see a familiar face on my first solo excursion away from home and Bosco’s sweet smile was a very welcome surprise. They took me out to a local bar for bruchette (meat on a stick) and I had my first, and much anticipated, ride on a “moto” which is a motorcycle taxi service here in Rwanda. It was as much fun as I thought it would be! More of Bosco’s family met us at “Papa Guiness” and I got to be a part of some very interesting conversation surrounding the fact that I am single and have no children. Apparently it is common here to have many wives, (unless someone is pulling my leg!) and it is much sought after to have a baby with a white woman to produce a “Milato” baby. Oh the things you learn when you begin to really become emersed  in the culture! It was a fun time and I felt much more able to handle the type of conversation and comments that were coming my way.

I also had another experience with a young man at one of the local night clubs that Justin took me to after saying farewell to the second half of the group at the airport on Saturday night. The local people love to dance and I was pleasantly surprised to see more men on the dance floor than woman, by about 9-1. They have got some serious moves and they love the fact that as a “mazungu” I can bust out some awesome moves as well. So far I have received a lot of high 5’s, fist blasts and people eager to copy me on the dance floor! But a new experience is the insane hip and butt movement that they can pull off seemingly with incredible ease BUT the part that I appreciate the most is that even though this could be seen as an incredibly sexual movement and in North America be labeled as “Slutty” moves on the dance floor, it isn’t here. It just is what it is, a movement to the rhythm of the music and a deep part of the culture. I love that because for me dancing and sexuality have always gone hand in hand until recently when I discovered that dancing is a way for me to channel energy in general, not just sexual. Movement of the human body can have functions other than to sexual attraction and this lesson took me years to really embody.

For me the experience of simply allowing a man to come and but his hands on me was powerful enough but then to add movement like that plus the fact that the men are extremely good looking and it was quite an experience. For me, being a sexual being has always been a fearful, shameful, angry and manipulative thing that I was never comfortable with and found many ways in my life with which to mask those feelings, feelings which were put on me by my family, not feelings that I actually knew to be true. I went to extremes in order to be able to even talk about sex in my family and found myself portraying an image that was as far from what was real for me as I think I could possibly get. This path even lead me down some extremely painful choices in life as well including having major impacts on my career decisions.

Now that I feel like a certain amount of healing has taken place in this area I am able to experience sexuality in a whole new way. I have been practicing celibacy for nearly 3 years now and have no intention to change that but what this practice offers me most is the opportunity to experience sex in a whole new way. A way that feels more authentic to me. I get to see how I feel about things now with a new perspective, one that is not out of societal or familial expectations or limitations. I can now watch myself in different situations and experience my emotions and feelings and then make choices based on the present moment.

In this case, having an attractive, young black man put his arms firmly around me and feeling myself stop breathing out of fear momentarily and then making a conscious choice to relax, feel, breath and connect. Because I have clear boundaries for myself and the situation, I no longer feel like a victim in that moment and know that I can choose to stay or to go. I chose to stay and accept the healing that was there for me from a simple embrace. All of this on the tail end of receiving a letter from the RCMP stating that charges will not be filed against the man who sexually assaulted me. Thankfully for me I have come to a place of understanding in my life that the Universe gives me many opportunities for growth and I can choose to see the learning in everything. My response to this letter only proves to me further that I am healing as I was able to simply feel the emotion of disappointment and then move on.

Over the last 3 days I have had so many opportunities to see my own personal growth and it is apparent to me that I am really comfortable with who I am right now, “No matter where you go, there you are!” I am so happy to be the person I am right now and  anything that comes from this experience here in Rwanda is buttercream icing on the red velvet cupcake of my life!

Just after I opened my eyes to greet the last day of our group travels the door to my room opens, Holly walks in and says “We have all missed our flight, we have to go to the airport right away!” Knowing full well that I was staying, the impact felt cushioned a bit from my reality but the reality of the impact on the group was inescapable. The morning became one big whirlwind of suitcases, phone calls, bus rides and tense faces but overall a sense of acceptance, calm and focus. The day was spent at the Turkish Airlines office in downtown Kigali and was followed by a gathering at a local eatery/internet cafe as everyone tried to communicate to their loved ones as well as feed and care for themselves. The strength of our group was really apparent throughout this entire day as there were no “Freak outs”, no blaming each other, no anger projected onto each other, just a focus on doing what needed to be done in order to get everyone home. It was clear that we have all had our fair share of experience with traveling and know that nothing really ever goes as planned, there has to be room for changes and mistakes.

So we missed out on seeing three of the co-operatives that we had planned to see while here on this very, well planned and organized trip. I guess someone just got too excited and booked one extra day of events and no one noticed that we were scheduled to leave at 00:55AM on the 28th, which is actually the morning of the 27th of June!

As the members of our group booked last minute flights home with some pretty pricey fees attached, I got to witness the total surrender to the reality of the situation. I was inspired by the ease of which people were able to let go of the financial cost of the mistake and move into acceptance that this was happening for a reason. Some were calculating the cost in terms of cows and goats for the co-operatives here in Rwanda and there certainly were better ways for that money to be spent but I do trust that there was a reason behind why they were not all on those planes the night before. The reason may never become obvious to any of us but my faith in something greater leads me to feel this to be true. As each person decided how much they were willing to spent to get themselves back to their reality in California, I was pleasantly surprised by the ability of the group to settle into the reality of their present moment and make the best of it.

We ended our time together as a group by going around our table saying a few words about how we felt and what we were taking with us from this trip. Everyone, including our fabulous Rwandan bus driver, Bosco, opened their heart and spoke of the positive impact we all had on each others lives. It was so nice to hear the kind words for me on my journey and I felt so supported in that moment, words that give me strength to continue living my life the way I have chosen to and know is right for me. It is always nice to hear that people support our choices and it brings me strength to know I have this entire group, plus friends at home doing just that. It takes an open heart and an open mind to allow others to travel their own journey and I am grateful to everyone in my life who is strong enough in themselves to support me in mine. I had an “Eat, Pray, Love” moment at the end of my speech , as I toasted this new group of people who have now become like family which for me is another sign that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

Waving goodbye to about half of the group  as they drove away on the bus was an emotional event but the half that remained continued in the spirit of making the best of the situation  by walking next door to our Muzungo hot spot “SolaLuna” for pizza and beer! As I said my goodbyes for the night to the remaining group members and prepared for my first night in my new home with Justin and his family I was very grateful for the last moments of our time as a full group and feel that the events that happened earlier in the day only made the goodbye more powerful. I am learning that the relationships that last are the ones that can ride the waves together and meet peacefully on the shore, ready for the next thing to pull them back out into the waters of life. Thank you to all the people (even those not in the photos below, you know who you are!) who are willing to ride with me on this journey!

 

A day of well deserved relaxation and much needed reflective time alone. After my first hot morning shower since arriving, rising late and gathering with the group for lunch at the famous Hotel Rwanda  I was privileged enough to spend the afternoon there swimming in the outdoor pool and drinking Rwandan black tea with hot milk. There I was floating in the cool water looking up at the clear blue sky feeling like I was in paradise and knowing full well that I could be anywhere in the world in that moment but I was in fact in Rwanda, beautiful Rwanda. I felt no fear, no unease, no hostility, no anger, none of the things that people tried to fill my head with before my departure. My experience of Rwanda is one of gentleness, grace, love and joy. To be in a place that has had so much pain and kaos and to not let that impact my perspective comes quite easily as I learn to trust that my heart will guide me to where I am needed in the world. Rwanda has offered me such immense healing and I feel a great sense of peace knowing that I will be staying here after everyone else in the group leaves for North America tomorrow night.

The journey of preparation for this trip took me down a road of outward self expression which included an awesome blonde mohawk with pink highlights, black leather boots, thoughts of getting a tattoo, embracing sparkley  tourquoise  eyeliner and so much more. This was an attempt to demonstrate my inner strength to myself and to the world. As I processed what it would be like in Africa in terms of outward self expression I often felt like I was going to have to give up that expression and let go of that need to outwardly  wear my creative expression of self. My suit case consisted of a carry on sized suite case that included not only clothes but 3 paris of shoes and all my toiletries – not much stuff considering I was possibly not returning from which I came. Today as I floated in the bright blue pool wearing my hot pink bikini top and aqua bottoms, still sporting the blond mohawk that now has an inch of dark roots and was on the verge of being shaved off or colored prior to my arrival, I realized that I am still me, all parts of me at every moment in my life. There is no leaving behind the girl who loves fashion and loves to play with make-up, there is no need to turn off personality aspects that don’t fit the environment, and there is no need for me to pretend that I do not enjoy being in beautiful 5 star hotels and relaxing in a pool. I can be all of these things AND be doing humanitarian work with a dance group, they are not exclusive, actually they make the other experience more rich. Fully embracing who I am leads to an authenticity in all that I do and I feel allows me to be more present in each moment as I accept the reality of those characteristics and not fight against them.

I made more contacts by embracing exactly this today as I walked into the managers office of the fabulous 5 star Kigali Serena Hotel spa to discuss possible opportunities for my skills. I was greeted by a wonderful man who told me that in the spa they work on a trade system where one’s skills are traded for use of the facilities. As I toured around the beautiful spa I met a personality aspect that tried to tell me I was being selfish and that it was not what I was here to do. I soon rationalized the need for the spa, pool, hot tub and yoga classes as a way to stay healthy and balanced while doing the very demanding and intensely emotional work I feel I will be doing here. I do feel this is a very healthy and important thing to do for myself. Can I really go back and forth between two very contrasting worlds like 5 star hotels and poverty ridden villages?

My answer for now is yes. I have no idea what is in store for me but what I do know from my own personal experience up to this point in my life is that I can only give to others if I have something to give them and the only way I have something to give is if I take care of and give to myself equally, if not first. Denying my own human needs or even pleasures doesn’t make me a better person, it doesn’t make me more of a humanitarian or a more caring person if I run myself ragged and put everyone or thing else before myself – to me that is a form of Ego that I am very familiar with. I am worth taking care of just as much as my love is worth giving. I want to be an example of self-love not only to myself but to others as well.  Loving myself demonstrates to others the way that I expect to be treated and in turn, hopefully, allows others to expect the same of me.

As always, holding loosely to those expectations of both myself and others, making room for the fact that we are human and because of that we are all just actors this wonderful thing called life! Each one of us equally free to make decisions, choices and mistakes along the way. If I do hold true to any expectation of myself it is just that – I will make mistakes, guaranteed. The flip side of that is the opportunity for personal growth which keeps me going, gives me energy, fills me with joy and makes life worth living!

A journey to the Congo border, the Burundi border and back over the last 3 days has again been some of the most indescribable events of my life. The intention of the trip was to meet two of our co-operatives in the south west corner of Rwanda and that meant 6 + hours in the bus with not real stops for lunch or washrooms. This trip has been a real test for us all physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I am  happy to say that we are an amazing group who communicates well and make the best of every situation.

On the Burundi border was a group of Twa (Pigmy) that have never set eyes on Muzungu’s (white people) before. We were again greeted by intensely raw traditional dancing and singing which was my favorite so far. The feeling I had as I watched was one of awe and complete amazement. I was speechless at some points during our celebration. Actually, as we traveled to the co-operative I was again filled with a lot of emotion and felt very tired. During the ceremony we were given many gifts and the intense emotion that has been building since I arrived finally had a chance to be released. Being presented with a simple pineapple literally left me sobbing. These people have virtually nothing and yet they offered us 4 rounds of gifts including fruit, hand made crafts and pottery, and grains with such joy and gratitude.

I have been given many things in my life for which I am grateful but I have never before been given gifts with such intensely pure love behind them. This experience has opened my eyes even further to the power giving from the heart as well as learning to accept love when given to me, in whatever way it is offered. After the emotion was released from my body through tears I was rejuvenated and felt alive. I was able to offer song and dance with a new openness and even allowed myself to let out some joyful, primal noises that felt so natural and good!

These people have considered themselves to be like animals, not human, until only 4 years ago and are just now making the transition from hunters to farmers and becoming a part of Rwandan society. My mind wonders why we see progress in the form of further removing ourselves as humans from our own animal nature. Is it really advancement to strive towards the concrete jungles that we call home in the North America, or to a life that pulls us further away from being able express ourselves in the most authentic and raw way we know how? How do we find a balance between surviving at the most basic level in our ever changing world and staying connected to our own humanness? Being a part of the new NGO (Non-Governmental Organization) World Dance 4 Humanity is giving me the opportunity to see just how delicate this issue is and is giving me more insight into how I want to be of service in the world. There is a place for every personality type, every way of life, every view, every skill and I get to choose which path feels right for me. This opportunity has been life changing for all of us in many ways and I am seeing how peeling back the unique layers of my own life are beginning to reveal the gem that lies within.

We also visited a co-operative near the Congo border that has started a fish farm project, digging 4 huge fish dug outs by hand which took 6 months to do. They have rabbits in pens that stand on stilts above a section of the dug out which provided food for the baby fish via rabbit dropping. They also have cows donated by World Dance that are doing very well. The ingenuity of these people and the determination is unbelievable. As we drive 6 hours out of Kigali and  into what feels like no-mans land suddenly coming upon a fish farm, I am reminded of just how much effort these people have out into their own survival. I had the opportunity to tell them all how inspired I was by their efforts and that they are a real life demonstration of living and being the change they want to see in the world. They have made what would seem to some to be the impossible, a reality.

We were there to celebrate not only the development that has taken place with the support of Goats for Life and World Dance but also the first harvest of fish AND the grand opening of their fish store. We were witness to the first exchanges of money for the fish and really the creation of a completely new  life for these people. Justin was giddy with excitement as we left the area for home. “This is so incredible!” he said repeatedly. We have already made new connections for possible ECO tourism with a near by 5 star hotel “Nyungwe Forest Lodge” (an amazing sight to be seen in the middle a tea plantation near Cyangugu). I was able to also meet with the manager there and was pleasantly surprised at his interest in all of my skills.

I am beginning to put out seeds for possibilities here in Rwanda and I am so excited to see what will come next in my path. To be witness to the forward momentum of the people of these two co-operatives as well as know that my life is taking on a whole new vision as well is very, very exciting. The reality to the fact that I am one of those people who loves what they do in life, everyday, is really starting to sink in. Finally, I feel as though the deep healing part of my journey is coming to a close and the gift of all that hard work is now my reality.

So much gratitude to everyone who has supported my along the way.

Om Siva!