Processing Pain

Lyrics from theme song to Being Erica by Lily Frost:

It’s clearer inside of me
Who I will always be
Here at the core of my heart
Mystics & cynics & crystals & memories
Beginning to line up the stars
Shining the light in the night
Raising the veil from my eye
Cause of my strength
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted to be…
Here I am this is me where Ill be
In the dark [&] in the light [&] in the wrong in the right…
Karma is energy Give me my destiny
Everything happens for a reason
Every choice that I make
Changes the course I take
Won’t be afraid when I make mistakes
Open my arms & give in
Do it all over again
Do it all over
Again & again,
To get to the end
Of who I am now.
I’m gonna find the answers &
Yes I know how
I know I can win
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted
& everything I ever wanted
To be
Here I am
This is me
Who am I?
Wait & see…

“Fibromyalgia” rears its head, although I do not subscribe to the western medicine approach to diagnosis, this is the term used in this thinking for the symptoms I felt today. Over the last 3 years I have been watching how an emotionally upsetting event can create the same or very similar reactions in my body. It is like an experiment and I am always recording either mentally, in my journal or at times even on graphs on my computer. As I process the emotions that arise the symptoms disappear. This is in part, how I came to the understanding that my body was telling me that I needed to deal with my emotions in the moment, any unresolved issues would remain trapped inside my body. I began to see my body as a tool, a very smart tool.

Ultimately after 30 years of not dealing with or not expressing my true emotions about certain events my body literally shut down, stopped moving all together. Wether it was going unconscious during a staff meeting with full mental abilities in tack (strange and hard to explain but very real) or lying frozen on my couch after barely making it home in cab from work, my body was trying to tell me to change.

Again, my experiences are my reality and there is nothing that anyone can say or do to me that will make me doubt that I am doing the right thing for me in my life.  As another layer of support is removed from my life and I allow my body to process the pain that physically manifests as the letting go of illusions continues to play out making room for more light. So happy to be getting it out of my body, mind and spirit. I welcome the pain as it exits and send it out with as much gratitude and compassion as I possibly can in the moment. Realizing today that the healing is still a very real reality for me on many levels and that I am here to receive the gifts of love and support that this wonderful family, culture, people and country has to offer me, not necessarily the other way around. I came here as a next step in my own healing and it is becoming more clear as to the magnitude of what that really means…

A wonderful night of celebrating family and friends, speaking french, cooking food, babies and children and creating a new foundation for my life! Just some of the many blessings Rwanda offers me daily!




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