When I first ended my engagement and had the prospect of a new life in front of me so many woman had the same response – “You are so lucky, you can just start all over and do whatever you want to. You are free!” At the time, having been through breakups before I knew it was true to an extent but there is always the wading period in between one thing and the next where it feels very scary and shaky. Once I find my feet I am fine. Back then that usually meant finding a new man. When I took that out of the equation it felt even more shaky because that was the old fall back, that was what I was looking for right? A man to complete me. Now as I am on this road of transformation and I have realized for myself how powerful it is to be alone I no longer feel like I am in need of anything to complete me, I am whole on my own. This took a long time to realize and is very hard to explain to people, especially in a culture where you are meant to marry and have babies.
The other night there were friends over for dinner and one of them asked me “Why did your mom have you?” That was an interesting question and one I though could better be answered by my mother herself but what they meant was- your mother had you so that you could be a mother, that is the purpose of your life. I have never been one of those girls who always knew she wanted to have babies but I have always loved babies.
The other day I had Justin’s little baby boy Kenny Joesph on my back in the kitchen and it was such a wonderful feeling. They simply put the child on their backs, lean over and put a sheet around them both and tuck it in like you would a towel after you’ve had a shower, stand up straight and do the same to the bottom. The babes love it and spend hours there, tucked into the backside of the woman’s heart. This is the exact place that I have been intentionally working with healing through breath, acupuncture and reflection for about 6 months, so when I noticed that it was the exact place that the babies lay their heads I knew I needed to put one on my back ASAP! Now any chance I get – baby goes on my back!
What I was wanting to communicate today was more along the lines of what I day in the life of a free, wandering, yogini really looks like. People also often say that it must be great to have the life I have now, so free of responsibility and just going where the wind takes me. Sometimes it is just that easy, that free, that wonderful but there is also the reality of getting to that place and allowing it to happen which takes a lot of patience, trust and self-love. Not everyone says or thinks positive things about how I live my life and it is because I have the life I have that I can fully take the time to process the emotions that arise when things like that happen, and they do. Also the the simple act of living creates opportunities for conflict both internal and external. One small event can be my main focus for days or even weeks. It is because I give it my full attention, and my intention is to feel what is happening, work with the energy and move it out of my body. I do not want any residual sludge left over in my body causing me pain and I certainly don’t want to react from old patterns of being, I want to respond with Love. This is the learning. This is the growth. This is the work I have to do to heal and it works (for me).
I know from experience that this can be a long, lonely, difficult to explain, and painful experience and at times it seems to happen alot. When my body feels heavy, my mind feels full, my heart ripped open and sometimes all I can do is be still and watch. This can mean that even if I am in a magical place like Santa Barbara with the beach and dolphins only 5 mins away – I spent 5 days in my apartment being silent, nurturing myself, feeding my soul and giving myself the space I need. This does not sound like the fantasy that those woman who were so excited about my new found freedom were thinking of but for me it is what I know I need to do to have those wonderful moments. By honoring what is needed in the moment I allow the energy to pass through and I am lighter, happier and more clear from old baggage making the next moment even more wonderful!
So as I slept away a few days processing all that happened with the group here in Rwanda and now as I enter into a phase of dealing with transition into living in Kigali and what that will look like, I need to honor all of the small steps that will eventually make up a wonderful experience. Taking time to be grateful for each and every moment and trusting completely that whatever I am doing, if I am doing with awareness is exactly what I am meant to do. Wether its in my room watching a movie, on a “Moto” going out on my own for the first time, sitting in silence, making connections, sending emails, feeling sadness, being at the pool, washing clothes by hand or carrying a sweet baby on my back – they are all pieces to the puzzle of my life and I enjoy not knowing what the final picture will look like, that is the gift awaiting me at the end of my journey!
I am so proud of you Amanda, and proud to be your friend. Way to go! Sending you light & courage from Yasodhara Ashram! Love, Sylvia