Category: Letting Go

Connected to the rhythm of the earth, roaming the land in search of sustenance, never stopping to get comfortable or stable or stuck, simply listening and following through. Pulled by the Creator to move on, keep doing, in order to live. They do not store fat, no  excess “just in case” – they trust.

As much as I try to live my life in line with the cosmic pull that I feel within, the system of this society itself is strongly set up to create the opposite, in my mind as a way of controlling and limiting conscious evolution and is a result of fear and lack of trust in something greater. As a human, I feel weak and helpless compared to other animals. I don’t come equipped with the survival adaptations they do for life in the wild, yet humans tend to treat them as if they are the lesser being – which I find laughable. We are totally dependant creatures which lead us to create all kinds of gadgets and technology to support our needs. We need them to survive. Without the sacrifice of animal lives we would not have had life and would not know life as it is today. And if and when technology fails us we will once again be called upon to connect to our survival nature.

As I settle with the reality of this and take part in modern days cultural rituals (i.e: me posing with a dead animal) I feel a sense of connection to a very vulnerable part of myself, my human self. I am not or have not conquered anything as the photo would suggest but instead I have survived another day and the relief that comes from obtaining sustenance in a fear based world view is what drives me to sit on top of a dead animal and claim dominance – false dominance because it is actually a balancing act. Ones sacrifice leads to another’s survival and so it continues in various new shapes and forms in todays world.

I have found great freedom in letting go of strong believes about what is good or right. I have gone from one extreme to the next. Hunter to Vegan and anything in between. But the learning for me in all of this is when I am presented with opportunity to look at why I do what I do and decide if it serves me in the present moment or not. Right now reconnecting with my survival skills feels important and it is here for me in every day life, so I take the opportunity every chance I get and this is a gift.

Animals come in packs, flocks, gaggles, and very few survive totally alone, independent from others yet we, humans, attempt to do it alone all the time. Separating ourselves emotionally, mentally and physically from others into our own lives. Like an injured member of a herd, I find myself wanting seclusion so I can heal or allow parts of myself to die, in my case give birth to a new version of myself.

Often people around me jest about a perceived lack of commitment on my part, my transient nature, I feel, because there is a blind fold to what I am really doing in my life. I, similar to the Caribou, am living in line with my instincts and intuition therefor the draw of owning a home, having a husband and children, a career, a pension and everything I need  at my finger tips does not exist the way it once did. I exist this way because I have experienced both sides and know I find great joy in flowing with my Destiny, my Divine Plan. I am 100% committed to this and only this.

There is a myth attached to this kind of lifestyle as well which is just that….a myth, that living life without the responsibilities of society norms is somehow easier and more free, more fun. From my experience, both are equally challenging in their own unique ways. It is a conscious choice to be separate from the norm and that, in many circles, can mean death.

As I dive into what looks like a relatively “normal” lifestyle, at least from the outside, I am anything but playing this game the way I did before. I take comfort in the beautiful space I have created and the financial gains my education/experience has brought me but I am not attached to them. I will let them go once again when I am called to do so, when it is time to go. For now the adventure is to stay, settle within my self and soul and allow all the seeds I have planted to begin to take root.

As much as I find it painful at times to be on this part of the journey somewhat alone, my herd scattered around the globe,  I know it is necessary and I am met with challenges daily.  My energy being asked to focus on areas I don’t want to focus on, things I don’t want to look at and things that seem so all consuming I wonder where I even begin. I know that until I do this work I will not move on, or at least I will not naturally move in flow with what is meant to be which would only make the lessons harder to learn. I do not just jump from one fun experience to the next, I do the work I am called to do and when I feel the pull to move on I take steps to do so.

Caribou leave an area when it no longer sustains them, supports them or gives them what they need. As much as my dreams are bigger than living in a small, remote Northern-ish community with all its beauty and limitations, it is here – and only here, I will develop the skills, strength, support and courage to step into the bigger picture, the one that no one else sees but me. In this I find the limitations are not limitations at all but gateways to unlocking potential. I have given myself a way of focusing of what really needs attention by living in a space free from many other distractions which seek only to pull me off course. I practice surrendering  to my human desires for entertainment, stimulation, excitement and all the luxuries many other places offer because I know that road does not lead me to true happiness and I learn to refine my desires into a balanced view of needs and wants which seek to move me forward.

The Pas is known as the “Passageway to the North” and for me it describes exactly why I am here. I am here for ReBirth and am currently in the labour stage of this process. I’m patient and push only when its appropriate, keep on breathing and trust that this natural and beautiful event will deliver me into a new world view.

I want to go “UP” and I am sitting at the gates right now, arranging my tools, supplies and preparing for the journey ahead. Spiritually I bring with me trust, faith, and a deep sense of knowing. Physically I have financial support and practical tools for meeting my human needs. The tangible results from  seeds planted will facilitate success and survival in the next step. Emotionally I have maturity, balance and awareness. Mentally I have strength, confidence, clarity and peace of mind.

These are the things which brought me here and I did the work to move into the place I am in today, taking every step as seriously as the next. When I arrived just over one year ago I had a duffle bag and a broken suitcase. I entered into the coldest winter in decades with only a few worn out summer clothes available to me. I had no income. I had to open the doors of support and allow the ripple effect which I had created to flow in and help me out.  I had to surrender to my needs and allow myself to receive. I did the work everyday to build on what I had put in motion many years earlier.

Now I have a beautiful home space. I have some nice clothes. I have multiple career paths simultaneously flowing abundance into my life and affording me the financial support I need to move forward as well as nourishing my soul.  I have a business and a car.  I have food on my table and hot, running water  – I am wealthy beyond my basic needs. I am slowly but steadily building a community and am engaging in beautiful traditions of the people in this area.

I am not stuck here. I am not doing anything so I can “get out of here”, instead I am staying where I am, soaking it all up until it sustains me no more. When I consume all that is here for me I  will move into the next place of abundance, eventually – but never stopping, coming to a balanced place of thriving.

*Inspired by my time spent with Mr. Rodney Forbes skinning and packing two Caribou. Thank you Rodney.*

I am sitting in the aftermath, not quite sure of what is right or wrong, working very hard on not beating myself up internally as the mirror reveals yet another layer of truth. How in one moment can I feel so certain that what I am doing is exactly what I am meant to do and then turn around and see the many other sides, options and choices I had.

From experience I know that in that moment I was right. I was right in that moment and then that moment passed and the momentum of my choice was set in action. There is really no right way or wrong way, it just all leads me back to an new layer, another opinion and another truth. This cycle feels frustrating at times and days like today when I feel like a fool it takes strength to keep on trusting that I am ok.

I am no different than anyone else. I am a human and sometimes I seek to find myself as “other”. I search for ways to be different and ways to not fit in yet there in no escaping the fact that we are all on the same path just in different vehicles. I used to seek out the “other” in order to feel special or different which I believe came from a lack of self-awareness and a need to feel loved externally. As I watch myself continue to do it, and this time on a much grander scale, I feel the impact of it on my daily life and I want to run and hide from what I have created. I don’t want the attention anymore, I don’t need it. I want to be somewhat anonymous, alone and unseen but I know that is not what I have created and in many ways thats not what I really want either.

The whirlwind has stopped. The magical adventure of life “on the road” has passed and now I am settled into a life that looks very familiar to me which I have resisted very strongly, even though I KNOW it is what I need to do. It is in the doing of this that the deeper layers of truth reveal themselves and then I understand why I was resisting – it hurts.

Its painful to face the repercussions of ones decisions and when that swirly roller coaster of  having to be constantly moving in order to survive finally came to a halt – BAM!! I was taken by surprise, knock the wind out of me.  The consequences need to be faced and I can guarantee myself that I will face them but man there is part of me that puts up  a fight. Part of me is still really scared of myself.

I become very in tune with my emotions, my feelings, my senses and my intuition and that actually makes me feel quite vulnerable depending on where I am . Where I am now I feel very guarded and protective and am beginning to hear it in my voice and see it in my actions. I am not in Rwanda dancing for Joy, I am not in California doing Water Therapy and I am not living in an Ashram studying Yoga. I am in The Pas working in my profession, living in an apartment, paying bills, in the freezing cold and I am here alone. I am am now more aware of how the fear has played out over the last year and its quite staggering to honestly admit to myself.

I see why. I know why. Do I like why – no!! But I will carry on and keep on settling so that scared part of me will feel safe enough to emerge so I can reassure her and calm her down. For now I am using Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix to soothe her but that is running its course all too quickly! My practices of Yoga, dance and light are calling me back, they are my knight in shining armour and they never leave me, it is I who leave them.

I am here to face things that are quite scary to me. All the work of starting a business/non-profit, hosting Thrill The World, and trying survive on a ridiculously low budget has become a thing of the past. I have shed my exterior self and am now free of my amour. I watch as I try to distract myself and avoid what I am feeling but its all there. It keeps me up at night, it sits in my shoulders, neck and jaw and tightens up in my chest. These are the signs that I am processing something that will eventually rear itself and be passed. I take comfort in the passing as I know the drill and I know it is what I want. What I want this time is to not give it all my attention, not let it take my power and render me helpless to its energetic pull.

My truth is I’m freakin out inside with all that is being revealed to me over the last few months and I am just starting to allow myself to really feel it. I feel shame, guilt, embarrassed, judgment and even mortified. I watch as I project and misplace my pain onto others. I watch as I put up walls and put on faces, voices and tones. At times waves of feeling like the worlds worst human being for being on this journey BUT I know that I am a good person, we all are, and I know that I can change the actions that don’t feel good to me in the future (the key here is I can only change my actions, not the actions of others). Some how my past is what helps me see it more clearly and in this space I can forgive myself. The more good I do in the world the more doors open for me to see my dark side more clearly and I can rest my head and heart on the fact that I am creating balance.

“Christmas is a hard time of year”, I’ve heard that a lot about places like rehab centres, areas of poverty and the Ashram would turn into an emotional epicentre during this time as well – so much so that we openly joke about it! Its like everything all comes up to greet you at once, family, friendship, money, food, work, religion, you name it its here at Christmas!  At the same time the bonus lies in the fact that ….Its CHRISTMAS and most people are more friendly, there are more community gatherings, more giving, more light, more more more and its an openly spiritual time of year. Its like a big giant cosmic hug!!

So to end this on a bright note, I can look at my life today and because of where I am, exactly where I am, I can literally see the fruits of my labour surrounding me and I can just sit back and enjoy this part of the process in my swanky new round love seat, chair thingy I have dubbed “the nest” – just one of the many perks to being settled!