Author: iamloveinaction

What is it that makes me so confident that what I am doing and what I have done over these last 3 years or so is what I am meant to be doing to heal myself? Is it worth all that I have given up, given away or even pushed out of my life? How do I know and can I ever really know for sure?

What I do know is that I am healthy and am working towards being even more healthy in all areas of my life. I know that I am alive because of the changes, decisions and challenges that I have faced and that a life without rough spots is not the life I want to live. I know that there are others in the world who have faced much more challenging and hard decisions and are doing much “bigger” things in the world and but I know my story is just as relevant to tell as theirs is.  I know that when I decided to start living from my heart and inner truth it created tension within the major relationships in my life but that it was that which helped me see my own worth through creating my own community of love and support the way I needed it. I have seen the power of friendship and that family doesn’t have to mean blood. I have seen the support unfold before my eyes to keep me going on this journey and it is because I have cracked open the self-love jar that I am able to allow it into my life. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that I am on the right path and that I will be supported in this journey for the rest of my life.

It is through real life experience that I am able to witness my growth first hand and it is in these moments that I am further shown proof that what I am doing is right for me. A big part of my healing right now has to do with men and speaking up for myself. I have a history of abuse in various ways, at varying degrees with various types of relationships and people (men and woman). Through my process of healing I discovered that because of past experiences I learned to live in a constant state of “Fight or Flight” which caused me to respond inappropriately to actual danger and as well as non-dangerous situations. One example of this in my mid 20’s was an incident in which I was being strangled by a patient on an evening shift one night and instead of doing what I could to get away I froze and thought only of how I didn’t want to hurt the man that was doing the act. Then around that time I began to live in quite a bit of fear and would yell and swear at anyone who made me feel remotely vulnerable, including the cashiers at the Grocery store. I slowly became a very mean, suspicious and fearful person all because I felt out of control of my emotions, had been hurt and had not received proper help to deal with this and other events. My body was just trying to protect me and this had major impacts on my physical health as well as mental. It also lead me to be the my own worst enemy as I was acting in a way that made me very vulnerable to things that were actually harmful to me.

So, how does this relate to me being in Rwanda…….well, I am offered so many opportunities to put into practice the inner strength I have developed and to see where I have grown and where I need to put more energy. Four examples in the last 2 days have shown me my progress and my strength. It starts with really simple actions such as bartering with the Moto drivers for a fair price on a ride across town. For most North American, we like to be told how much and to just pay it but that is not how it works here. As I gain experience from going places around town I am gathering info about how much it actually costs so I feel more confident in myself asking for what is fair. What I am loving is watching myself stand up for what I know is right. It is almost like a part of me steps back and just lets this confident voice come out and say “Ouya, 800, 800!” and if they say no then I just wave my hand and walk away. It is fun to watch them come back agreeing to the price moments later when they see I am serious about not getting ripped off and each time I am proving to myself that I am confident and strong.

Another example  happened a few days ago as I walked to the pool. There is a bar on the way and a man was dancing outside in the road. As I walked by he grabbed my wrists and starting dancing with me. I felt that old familiar feeling of extreme rage that came from a place of fear and my mind flashed an image of ripping my arms away from his grip, punching him and yelling at him to “Get the Fuck Off of Me!” It was a split second but it felt very real and I had a choice in that moment. I could REACT in a way that did not fit the situation or I could take a breath and RESPOND in a way that felt more appropriate. I watched as I accessed the situation in my mind and knew that I did not want him touching me that way but that I felt safe. There was no need for violence. I relaxed, moved a bit with him and when I went to say “ok, that’s enough” 3 men came and told him to let me go. I walked away processing all that had happened but it wasn’t until much later that I realized how much growth I had just demonstrated to myself! Not only did I feel the reaction of “Fight or Flight” in a situation that could have called for it but I was able to rationally assess whether or not it fit and made a choice.

(This small shack is actually the bar and that is Abbey’s little face peaking out from the corner on our way to “Koga au piscine” – swim at the pool!)

Yesterday I was attending another dance class with Gilbert and was learning some new steps with the young girls in the group. Gilbert is a very gentle, kind spirit and teaches very well. Unlike the Yoga that I practice in which there is no hands on approach meaning no physical contact during the classes, Gilbert would touch, push, move, pull my body into the form that he wanted from me. With my history and my practice of Celibacy, men touching me can be a very powerful experience and evoke a lot of emotional response. As Gilbert put one hand on my chest and one on my upper back, asking me to open up and move my chest I felt, again in a split second, fear -breath-calm, further proof of my healing. He and I have really great conversations about our healing journey’s and he offers me a reality about men that I have very little experience with. It is so important for me to not judge, assume or let past fears hold me back in each present moment. Gilbert offers me a safe space to not only experience male energy in a new way but also open my heart into dance the way I know I can. Thank you Gilbert!

(Three lovely young Rwanda girls practicing for an upcoming performance.)

(Gilbert dancing)

Once last example and maybe the most solidifying for me of the growth and healing that I have done. Going to the Sauna with Justin. This is along the same lines as a Turkish Bath and requires me to lie down in a dark, hot room and allow a strange man to rub and scrub my ENTIRE body, quite hard. When I say entire body I literally mean entire, inside and out! hmmmmmmm what could that mean. Well it means they scrub every inch of your body including delicate parts and usually in a fairly rough manner. So yesterday I had the opportunity to say “No” when asked “Is that ok?” in reference to a man washing my vulva. I understand it is the culture, I understand it is what is happening to everyone in the room and honestly it had no tone of sexual energy to it at all but I didn’t like it, so I said “NO!”. It was fine and he moved on and finished the massage and respected my words. Justin was beside me and as always says to me “let me know if you need me to tell him anything!” But this time he added “but I trust you have a voice.” That was such a wonderful statement and it gave me such a feeling of confidence in knowing that he believed I was capable to speaking up for myself. This was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you Justin and Bosco the masseuse!

(This is not the Sauna I am speaking of but is actually the place that I go to on a regular basis for sauna, “regular” massages, and to help teach swimming lessons!)

(This is Justin and Myself on the day we met in person – finally!)

Real life experiences teach the important lessons in life and they are integral to learning and growing into who I am. I am grateful for all that I have done to get me here and I have no regrets about the life I have had as it provides me with great adventure and opportunity for growth!

A big thank you to Sherry Robin for offering to buy me a camera, now I am back in action and look forward to telling my story with photos as well! Thank you Sherry!

Choice is always there for us, in every moment, every mood, every action. So its not that feeling a bit blue is what holds me back, its how I choose to respond to it and for how long. So I made a choice to honor the part of me that feels afraid, held back, heavy, stuck, or whatever it is and to give it some love. After I gave it some love by acknowledging it and talking to it with kindness in my journal I decided how I was going to feel and then made it happen. Its not that I can just put on a happy face, mood or attitude but I can choose to do things that help me move more towards feeling lighter, more joyful, and happy. I realized that I was in Culture shock and needed to give myself what I have been resisting since I arrived out of fear of not having an “authentic experience” – white people things! I am a Canadian, I have lived in North America all my life and Africa is very, very different so when I finally saw the importance of giving myself something familiar, it made a world of difference. I went to the fancy Hotel Serena to be around English speaking people, white people, a beautiful pool and washrooms with TP and hand soap! Then diner out at Meze Fraishe (I Am Fresh!) which is an American owned Mexican restaurant with delicious food and very friendly staff! I felt so much better, relieved almost knowing that these things are here for me when I need them. I also went to the Movies and saw “The Heat” which was awful but it was the familiarity I was after not the entertainment.

Yesterday I went with my friend Leonard (the one who I met at the Sauna and whose wife I helped apply for a job in Canada) to an orphanage by his house. I knew it wouldn’t be as straight forward as I would like getting there so I surrendered to the 5 hour journey there and back, stopping in peoples homes, his local businesses and finally the Misericordia Orphanage. I asked specifically about small babies and young children of which there were only 5, all other kids had been moved to another branch in Cyangugu. The babies and children were paraded out to me all dressed in nice clothes and again, I was handed babies to hold!. It was wonderful to be able to hold them, touch them and let them explore my body with their curious little fingers.

As I held each one I was told of their stories which were horrific. To hear that all 5  of them had been “thrown”, literally meaning thrown away just hours or days after birth to be found by local people who brought them to the orphanage (one of them in a graveyard) was sad to say the least, I am still finding words for how I feel about it all. On top of that some of them had HIV as well. At first glance these babies and young ones look fairly healthy and well cared for but when I look and listen more carefully I see that they are not. It is not a sign of a healthy child to just sit or stand and not make any noise,  just be there. As much as we want kids in North America to sit still and behave which is what these kids did extremely well, it is not healthy behavior. They had no spark, no life, no inquisitive looks, no toys, no creative expression and it appeared no stimulation in the form of toys, colors or books. So I asked what I could do to help and was directed towards the larger orphanage in town which is connected to this one as well to talk to the director. I see how I can offer at least something new for them to experience and possibly introduce them to hoola hoops, toys, maybe swimming at the pool. I know I have something to offer them and I saw how much they needed even just  a loving touch. I see that my heart wants to open up in this way, to these children and that there is healing here for both parties.

So today as I continue to process all I experienced in this short visit as well as what it is I am meant to do here, I was kind and gentle with myself and once again found myself near the water. I was having a massage when a flash of insight came to me about next steps. I know what I love and I know what makes me feel good – Dance and Micheal Jackson. I was able to bring it back to what is already here for me, what has already presented itself to me in terms of what I can do. I can dance. I can teach “Thriller” for Thrill the World and I have made a few connections with locals that feel good. So backing up to what originally brought me to Africa in the first place and seeing how I can put that into action lead me to realize I can give back by using MJ as my guide, once again!

My plan as of today is to continue to inquire about kids, schools, locals, white people who want to learn and participate in “Thrill the World” by learning the choreography and use the money I obtain to help buy some equipment for the local swim instructors I have been helping, as well as help Gilbert (the local traditional dance teacher who teaches kids for free) afford to buy costumes and have a place to teach dance. My big goal would be to help bring Gilbert to Santa Barbara to teach a workshop on East AFrica dance, which is what he would love to do. So how does this fit into me not being ready to do big things?…….well, this is already here for me, this is what I love to do – dance to MJ and it provides a vehicle for me to do that and to share it with others with a by product of helping people with financial energy (money) I acquire through doing so. Again this is just a way of me taking a step towards something and it can change in an instant if it needs to. So far I have three places to teach, good feedback on it being popular and motivation for being here! Good things are revealed – out of the blue!

Michael Jackson says it so well in so many of his songs and this one in particular is a Theme song of mine because I feel like it speaks so clearly to what I am doing in my own life. Every little step counts, every little change matters and everything we do impacts everyone else in the world. I know for me, sometimes a change for the better can initially feel like a step into the negative but if it is my heart guiding me to take that step then I can trust that from the dark emerges the light. A natural, full circle effect that happens everyday of our lives. Letting go of the resistance to being my best self. Be brave enough to look into the dark spaces and find the spark of light that resides somewhere in the middle. No one is all dark and no one is all light, I strive for balance but with balance comes a very necessary honesty with oneself and the need to accept all parts that exist. Shine the light on the dark spots and bring them into the light for all the see. If everyone wore their full faces everyday the division between us would crumble as our true oneness in being human would be revealed. We never think we will be on the other side of the coin but it can happen at anytime to anyone. This is a tough challenge, being human, but if we all do it together we will see it can be a beautiful ride. I am grateful for all the various kinds of support I have received from friends, family and perfect strangers who have helped me on my journey so far. Thank you to those who have been brave enough to face themselves which in turn help me face even more of myself. Hari Om (Hindu Healing Mantra)

“Man In The Mirror”

Lessons come in all forms and for me this week it came in the form of a cold! I have been in bed for the last 4 days resting and giving my body the reassurance that I hear what it is saying and that I am listening. In Rwanda there is a very different way of seeing illness and I have been asked everyday, many times why I am not going to the hospital or taking any medicine. It is hard to explain all that I feel I know about my own body, how I feel about “medicine”, what I feel I need to do to for myself and to not come across as if I am “better” or more “advanced” than the people of Rwanda. There are many layers to it all and what I have found is that I am so much stronger and capable of just simply being me and not having to explain myself, just saying “Ouya, Murakoze” (No Thank you!) and continuing on with what is right for me. I was able to lock my door (to keep little ones out of my room), stay in bed, drink water, relax, write, read, watch movies and reflect without feeling too much guilt about it all. It is often difficult to be sick in someone else’s home and for me especially difficult to really do what I need to do which is nothing, be alone, not talk, and not feel bad about it. It’s not that I didn’t have moments of guilt or flashes of pressure to be better so I could show them that I can do more than just sleep but I choose to simply notice these thoughts, even sit with them for a while and then let them go.

So much can happen in the mind when we are left with just it as company and a body that is not functioning in a way that allows us to distract it from the thoughts that like to run wild. In this short period of time, I have gone from being homesick and totally freaked out with no idea what I was doing or how I was going to survive and totally ready to leave to feeling fully engulfed in the culture once again, hopeful and fearless. It is not because I am unsure of the journey I am on, it is simply the process revealing itself to me. Through this process I was able to see my strength and personal growth because I do not give into these emotions, feelings or thoughts that are based on fear – I get to the root of the fear and find ways to help myself. A lot of the time the root of the fear is something that is not a pure thought of mine and has been implanted there by some else, media, or  as a societal norm. The mind is a sponge soaking up everything is sees, hears, tastes, feels, and touches. It is my job to be careful about what I expose myself to and also to decipher what is real for me in the moment and decide if that is what I want to think or feel, or if that is how I want to respond, react or  interpret what is coming in. Like I said before, this is the practice of Yoga and it is through this constant practicing of being aware of how I act verses how I want to act that I learn about who I am and  who I want to be. This is a practice of complete acceptance of my own imperfection and a knowing that I can change and be who I want to be. Along with this is a greater understanding that who I am in this very moment is perfect because it is the vehicle to me seeing what it is that I want to change.

Acceptance for me this week came in the form of hidden expectations. As much as I practice not having any expectations they are there, and they like other things can be ones that I have created for myself or ones that others have created for me. One of my biggest expectations comes in the form of not every being good enough. I put so much pressure on myself to “Do” and to do it perfectly or to be the best there ever was and if I am not doing it that way then I need to just give up. What this ultimately leads to in my life is a complete stop of almost all things and a physical sensation of being very heavy, so heavy that it is painful to even think about doing at all. I end up giving up before I start. I have done this with many things in my life and now see is as a kind of reverse perfectionism. I strive for perfection so much so that I don’t even want to attempt, which to me reflects the underlying self-worth and self-confidence issues that have been part of my life for as long as I can remember. At this point in the journey though I am moving out of that trap of not doing and beginning to do, although it feels thick and sludgy at times, it is so much better than not doing anything. As I further reveal who I am not only to the world but to myself, I see how necessary it is to take is slow and steady to catch those moments of fear that create the stagnation and make them manageable in the moment.

One thing in particular that came up very strongly for me over the last week was that I am not here to do anything and if I am very honest with my intentions for coming here it was a fantasy that my mind has built for which I am not ready for yet. I know, as I have said before that I am capable of great things (as we all are) but I have to surrender to what is real for me right now which is that I am not ready. I have not healed enough to begin giving to others in the way I know I want to and even then I cannot do it that way I did in the past as that was what depleted me in the first place. As an empath (someone who feels the emotions of others) I have been drawn to do many things in my life in order to take other people’s pain away from them and what I did was take it on and take it inside myself. I did this with many things, for example with my Mother by buying her gifts to make her feel special when I saw she was not happy. My work as an RN, in all areas but most damaging to me were the Abortion Clinic, Miscarriage and Fertility areas of work, because I was unconsciously attempting to save everyone from feeling the pain I had experienced around sexuality in general. I was trying to save the world by taking on everyone else’s pain, thinking I was capable of doing so if I was a good enough person. This is not my job, this is not anyone’s job, it is up to each one of us to manage our own emotions and deal with our own pain – no one can do it for us. That took me a few years to learn!

What I realized this week is that I need more healing. My heart is just learning to open again and I have to be more gentle and kind to it then I have ever been. I have to honor my needs, my wants and my hearts desire at this time. Some family members have referred to what I am doing as “following my dreams” which is really the furthest things from the reality. My dreams include: dancing, acting, horses, water, acrobatics, helping and as I slowly unravel the layers of hurt around my heart I see that I have always wanted to be a mother. My dream was not to get deathly ill, tear my relationships apart and have no home, no things or no money – that sounds ridiculous when I put it that way but that is what is happening in my life right now, to some it would be a nightmare! But it is the path I need to follow to get to my dreams and I will do it because I am aware that this is the work that will lead me to being able to live my dreams.

So how do I stay in Rwanda and move towards my dreams? When will I finally see that my dreams are important enough to give time and energy to? When will I truly embrace my worth and how can I do that knowing that there are people who don’t even have shoes or food to eat everyday without feeling selfish or guilty? For now I just stay. I stay here. I don’t run away, I don’t give into the fear or the comforts that I crave. I stay and trust. It may only mean I stay one more day but for now, I stay.

What does it truly mean to be human? It is the one thing that we ALL have in common. It is the thing that connects us to each other but it is also the thing that keeps us apart. Every human being has a body and mind all its own, one that is shaped, formed, molded and trained by those around us and the environment in which we live starting even before birth. The layers of events, experiences, thoughts, actions and truths all being held within each and everyone of us which creates the uniqueness that I feel begins to make us feel separate from one another. It is true that no one else can experience things the way that we do for ourselves and no matter how much we try to explain, demonstrate, or express our truths there is no way for anyone else to truly see life the exact same way that we do. So as we grow and evolve into the beings that our environment helps to create how can we do so without pulling further and further away from our oneness with each other.

For me, it began with what felt like an earthquake coming from within the sac of skin that held me together as a human being. I felt as though I would explode, like there was nothing keeping me together on the inside. I felt so alone yet I had a family, a fiance, friends, a career, hobbies, a home, two cars, lots of things and a cat  – how come I felt so alone? What I didn’t feel I had was a purpose. I didn’t feel like I was being honest to anyone, ever, not even myself. I was always searching for that thing that would make me be successful, make me happy, make me fit into this world that everyone around me appeared to be living in with a smile on their face. But what I always felt was that those smiles were masks hiding the truth. I would often feel it in my body when someone would hug me or talk to me, I could actually feel incongruence and that was very confusing. Was everyone around me lying too? If they were, did they know it? Why? I am not saying that there aren’t times when we are genuinely happy, I am simply saying that as a society it doesn’t appear to be acceptable to be honest about how we actually feel in every moment. Our common courtesies of “Hi, how are you?” really mean nothing if we don’t actually want to hear the how someone is doing. It is not possible to be happy all the time, smiling all the time, kind all the time and yet we try to do it. We expect others to do it.

When someone is depressed we become uncomfortable and do not know what to say, we pretend it’s not happening. The person who is depressed feels even more isolated and alone because its not “normal” to be depressed, when actually it is a completely normal part of the cycle to be depressed. Everything must come down – emotional gravity, if you will. Pretending that we do not feel depressed is what pushes us into severe states of depression and the lack of societal acknowledgement that these times of darkness are needed in order to deal with the huge amount of stimulation and emotional events that occur in every moment of the day only makes us feel even more wrong for being human. I had so many deep, dark, what felt like endless cycles of depression and I tried everything. I tried counseling, drugs, therapy, doctors, natural paths, massages, shopping, boyfriends, work, food (eating too much, not eating at all), and I tried denial. But what finally worked was  – acceptance.

Acceptance of being human, of my own truth. Acceptance of  my own inner voice that had been trying to guide me for years. I accepted that I didn’t believe what everyone around me was telling me to be the ultimate truth. I began to trust that small voice and really listen to her. This is the voice that guides me everyday, in every moment I listen for her and wait patiently for her to let me know if I am doing what is true for me. I accept that my mind is only one small part of being human and that I can control it. I can change it. I can even use it as a tool to help me live a more fulfilling life. I learned this skill through my study of Yoga and it is not any easy skill to acquire and takes daily practice but it is the very tool that has allowed me to embrace the beauty of my own being. It  has allowed me to find, witness, trust and know that part of being human is acknowledging that I also have a spirit, a soul. By acknowledging my own divinity I can not doubt that all humans share this in common and so I am able to see the world through the eyes of the soul. This has changed everything for me.

I no longer identify myself as just a human body, or just a human mind. I am no longer held captive by my thoughts, they do not consume me. I can control them. If you would have said this to me when I was in one of my dark places I would have come up with all kinds of reasons why that  would not work for me or how no one understood what I was going through, no one could help me. This would have been my truth in that moment because the thought or the idea that I had a soul was not part of my reality. Once I realized that there was something greater, bigger in life than just being a human, caught up in the daily drama’s, I began to see that my life had purpose simply because I existed. Existing was purpose in itself.

So as I am here in Rwanda listening to and following my inner guide (Om Krishna Guru), I trust that feeling depressed is part of the journey. My subtle expectations coming to light as I feel once again the pressure to do something HUGE, something magical, something that I can hold up as an accomplishment and be recognized for especially by those who feel I am wasting my time. It is in the darkness that I have time to listen and allow the truth to be revealed. I keep on doing the work to remove the masks and see the truth through self reflection, journalling and  remembering to breath. Yesterday, I helped a woman who has been job less for 1 1/2 years make a contact in Quebec, Canada for a possible nursing job. Afterwards I was invited by her and her husband to come meet his family and spent the night being welcomed into a strangers home with open arms. I now have a connection to another local family and he knows an orphanage that has babies near by and will take me there when I am ready. I spoke to the local swim instructor about volunteering my skills to help teach lessons to the adults and children as well as teaching Aqua-Fit in the local pool. All of this happening because I accept my limitations, love them, work with them and trust that all things happen for a reason. Even something as simple as making connections with people  at the sauna helps me see how allowing myself to be human really is love in action. I am here to be healed by the pure and simple humanity that exists so raw and naturally in the culture of Rwanda. They in turn will reap the benefits of that healing as I learn to further embrace my purpose by giving myself back to them as a gift of gratitude. We are one in the spirit of Humanity! Om Om

Waking up to what seems like an empty house and walking out of my room to find, as I do every morning, breakfast waiting for me. There is hot water for tea, white bread, 3 bananas, 2 passions fruits and 1 tree tomato. I have been perpetually full since arriving here, the diet is very heavy in starches like potatoes, pasta, rice, plantains, fried foods and meat. So a breakfast of  Africa tea (ichai) suits me just fine. What started off as a usual morning quickly changed, as the babies realized I was awake which means they are by my side as much as possible, well at least the 2 1/2 year Abbey is. After making a huge mess on the carpet, we eat in the living room, with banana and bread crumbs we moved to the outside area and found Mujah (the nanny). I am greeted by her every morning with a huge smile, a giggle and a hand up in the air awaiting the high 5, followed by a hug on the left, a hug on the right and  another on the left, then another shake of the hand which is like a “we’re about to arm wrestle” kind of grip! I love it. I love the ritual of it all and that everyone, acknowledges everyone at every encounter with presenting at least an open palm, face up hand and sometimes just laying their arm out for you to grab anywhere you like!

We spent some time peeling potatoes, singing, playing with my computer and then I introduced her to iphoto on my MAC which was an absolute hit! I have had many a gut busting laugh-a-thons with friends and family (see below) on iphoto and this was no exception. I thought at first she was freaked out, her faced looked like she had no idea what she was seeing and then she started to laugh and dance and have a great time with it. Again I realized that I do not need to do anything to bring joy or happiness, I simply need to take the time to share what is real in my life and my world. It was obvious that sharing something fun with Mujah and Abbey was a great way to lighten day, bring a whole lot of laughter to our day and when I hear that Abbey has been talking about what we do together all day to her family, I know its because I am having an impact on her life just as she is on mine.

And there are many, many more where these came from!!

What I am starting to come into is a place of comfort, relaxation and acceptance of my reality. I accept that I have little money but I still need to spend some in order for the process of discovering what it is I am doing here. I accept that I am in a completely new country that feels very, very new to me and I do have a bit of fear about going too far from home or just heading out for the day with no destination. I accept that I need time to adjust and that time often feels or my mind tries to tell me that it feels like, I am not doing anything or enough or the wrong thing, but I just sit back and watch it, ride it out and come back to reality which means reminding myself – “ahh Hello, you moved to a new country where you don’t speak the language, don’t really know anyone, have no idea what skills you are going to be asked to use, no real clear path for a job……” and that usually helps me come to some kind of place of compassion for myself! Reality check, what I am doing is not an easy task and I am doing amazing, all things considered.

When I think of my life pre-ashram, I remember lists – lots and lots of lists, always planning, checking, organizing, scheduling, checking off things, all of which I see now were an attempt to feel like I had some kind of control in my life. I was not an “A” type personality but I still put a lot of pressure on myself to do things, and when I didn’t I would beat myself up mentally, telling myself I was a loser for not being able to do all of it, not having enough time and not working hard enough. I would blame myself and tell myself I was too lazy, good for nothing. It felt really good to accomplish things and really, really bad when I didn’t. Lists are not the culprit here and neither is being organized, I love those qualities about myself, it was the mental chatter that had to stop. So not only did I stop making lists, I stopped planning my life. I let go completely of the idea that I could actually organize life all the time the way I wanted it and plan how things were going to be – I did this when I realized that I was not in control at all of anything in my life other than my mind. When I learned to control my mind, which is a constant battle but one that I am winning, I learned to stop beating myself up and instead  can be compassionate, more realistic and more open to the flow of my own Divine spirit. Now I live life in the present moment, free to change plans last minute if it doesn’t feel right while still be a committed person. Making the commitment to come to Rwanda was part of the flow and offered me the challenge to focus on one thing while still living my ideals.

(As I looked for a photo to put in here to depict this pre-ashram, “Lister” personality, I realized that all of my photos show me looking very free, very flowy and often full of Joy, even when I was ill. I began to wonder what it was I was looking for, something straight laced, uptight and angry…well here’s the thing it was all in my mind and while there are obvious differences in my physical appearance that reflect to me what I was going through at the time, there will be no pictures of me being anything other than who I was allowing  myself to show the world which was always shiny, bright, happy and joyful. This was also part of the problem but what this exercise is allowing me to see that my spirit was very strong and bright. There is something in these photos that I cannot deny is very real and that is my spirit, it wasn’t broken – was that all in my mind too?)

Today that spirit of free flowing life lead me to so many wonderful things, including what I spoke of above , like  dancing and singing with Abbey, having baby Kenny fall asleep in my arms while we had some quite time, a good talk with Alice (Abbey and Kenny’s mama), helping cook dinner, and going to my first traditional Rwandan dance class with a man I was introduced to via Mary Jo from Santa Barbara, Gilbert. Gilbert is a very sweet, gentle, kind spirit who has a very firm belief in God and in love. He told me so many things today that I found not only inspiring but also very true to me as well. He has great talent, a generous heart and wants to make a difference in the lives of the children that he teaches dance to for me. His class practiced the traditional dance of the Twas tribe today and I was able to join in. Right away he said “slow down, you need to feel it!” This is how I find my next steps and how life unfolds – try something, feel it and see what happens. Riding home behind a small Rwandan man on a Moto, feeling so wonderfully free and looking out over the hills bathed by the sunset, I said to myself “Wow! This is beautiful!” and I meant – LIFE!

When I first ended my engagement and had the prospect of a new life in front of me so many woman had the same response – “You are so lucky, you can just start all over and do whatever you want to. You are free!” At the time, having been through breakups before I knew it was true to an extent but there is always the wading period in between one thing and the next where it feels very scary and shaky. Once I find my feet I am fine. Back then that usually meant finding a new man. When I took that out of the equation it felt even more shaky because that was the old fall back, that was what I was looking for  right? A man to complete me. Now as I am on this road of transformation and I have realized for myself how powerful it is to be alone I no longer feel like I am in need of anything to complete me, I am whole on my own. This took a long time to realize and is very hard to explain to people, especially in a culture where you are meant to marry and have babies.

The other night there were friends over for dinner and one of them asked me “Why did your mom have you?” That was an interesting question and one I though could better be answered by my mother herself but what they meant was- your mother had you so that you could be a mother, that is the purpose of your life. I have never been one of those girls who always knew she wanted to have babies but I have always loved babies.

The other day I had Justin’s little baby boy Kenny Joesph on my back in the kitchen and it was such a wonderful feeling. They simply put the child on their backs, lean over and put a sheet around them both and tuck it in like you would a towel after you’ve had a shower, stand up straight and do the same to the bottom. The babes love it and spend hours there, tucked into the backside of the woman’s heart. This is the exact place that I have been intentionally working with healing through breath, acupuncture and reflection for about 6 months, so when I noticed that it was the exact place that the babies lay their heads  I knew I needed to put one on my back ASAP! Now any chance I get – baby goes on my back!

What I was wanting to communicate today was more along the lines of what I day in the life of a free, wandering, yogini really looks like. People also often say that it must be great to have the life I have now, so free of responsibility and just going where the wind takes me. Sometimes it is just that easy, that free, that wonderful  but there is also the reality of getting to that place and allowing it to happen which takes a lot of patience, trust and self-love. Not everyone says or thinks positive things about how I live my life and it is because I have the life I have that I can fully take the time to process the emotions that arise when things like that happen, and they do. Also the the simple act of living creates opportunities for conflict both internal and external. One small event can be my main focus for days or even weeks. It is because I give it my full attention, and my intention is to feel what is happening, work with the energy and move it out of my body. I do not want any residual sludge left over in my body causing me pain and I certainly don’t want to react from old patterns of being, I want to respond with Love.  This is the learning. This is the growth. This is the work I have to do to heal and it works (for me).

I know from experience that this can be a long, lonely, difficult to explain, and painful experience and at times it seems to  happen alot. When my body feels heavy, my mind feels full, my heart ripped open and sometimes all I can do is be still and watch. This can mean that even if I am in a magical place like Santa Barbara with the beach and dolphins only 5 mins away – I spent 5 days in my apartment being silent, nurturing myself, feeding my soul and giving myself the space I need. This does not sound like the fantasy that those woman who were so excited about my new found freedom were thinking of but for me it is what I know I need to do to have those wonderful moments. By honoring what is needed in the moment I allow the energy to pass through and I am lighter, happier and more clear from old baggage making the next moment even more wonderful!

So as I slept away a few days processing all that happened with the group here in Rwanda and now as I enter into a phase of dealing with transition into living in Kigali and what that will look like,  I need to honor  all of the small steps that will eventually make up a wonderful experience. Taking time to be grateful for each and every moment and trusting completely that whatever I am doing, if I am doing with awareness is exactly what I am meant to do. Wether its in my room watching a movie, on a “Moto” going out on my own for the first time, sitting in silence, making connections, sending emails, feeling sadness, being at the pool, washing clothes by hand or carrying a sweet baby on my back – they are all pieces to the puzzle of my life and I enjoy not knowing what the final picture will look like, that is the gift awaiting me at the end of my journey!

Lyrics from theme song to Being Erica by Lily Frost:

It’s clearer inside of me
Who I will always be
Here at the core of my heart
Mystics & cynics & crystals & memories
Beginning to line up the stars
Shining the light in the night
Raising the veil from my eye
Cause of my strength
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted to be…
Here I am this is me where Ill be
In the dark [&] in the light [&] in the wrong in the right…
Karma is energy Give me my destiny
Everything happens for a reason
Every choice that I make
Changes the course I take
Won’t be afraid when I make mistakes
Open my arms & give in
Do it all over again
Do it all over
Again & again,
To get to the end
Of who I am now.
I’m gonna find the answers &
Yes I know how
I know I can win
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted
& everything I ever wanted
To be
Here I am
This is me
Who am I?
Wait & see…

“Fibromyalgia” rears its head, although I do not subscribe to the western medicine approach to diagnosis, this is the term used in this thinking for the symptoms I felt today. Over the last 3 years I have been watching how an emotionally upsetting event can create the same or very similar reactions in my body. It is like an experiment and I am always recording either mentally, in my journal or at times even on graphs on my computer. As I process the emotions that arise the symptoms disappear. This is in part, how I came to the understanding that my body was telling me that I needed to deal with my emotions in the moment, any unresolved issues would remain trapped inside my body. I began to see my body as a tool, a very smart tool.

Ultimately after 30 years of not dealing with or not expressing my true emotions about certain events my body literally shut down, stopped moving all together. Wether it was going unconscious during a staff meeting with full mental abilities in tack (strange and hard to explain but very real) or lying frozen on my couch after barely making it home in cab from work, my body was trying to tell me to change.

Again, my experiences are my reality and there is nothing that anyone can say or do to me that will make me doubt that I am doing the right thing for me in my life.  As another layer of support is removed from my life and I allow my body to process the pain that physically manifests as the letting go of illusions continues to play out making room for more light. So happy to be getting it out of my body, mind and spirit. I welcome the pain as it exits and send it out with as much gratitude and compassion as I possibly can in the moment. Realizing today that the healing is still a very real reality for me on many levels and that I am here to receive the gifts of love and support that this wonderful family, culture, people and country has to offer me, not necessarily the other way around. I came here as a next step in my own healing and it is becoming more clear as to the magnitude of what that really means…

A wonderful night of celebrating family and friends, speaking french, cooking food, babies and children and creating a new foundation for my life! Just some of the many blessings Rwanda offers me daily!

So much happens in such a short period of time, even with very limited movement from my room over the last week! I wake up every morning to the sounds of a family that has embraced me so warmly and openly. The singing, the joyful laughter, the calls of baby Joeseph and the little feet of Abbey (seen in photo above), the voices of new people that have come to visit and  even slept over from the night before. All of this happening in a language that I don’t understand and with an energy like nothing else I have experienced. My first impression is one of disbelief for this being my life and how awesome this experience really is. How did I manifest living with a local Rwandan family? How am I so lucky to be living life exactly how I want to be? The answer for me is a deep desire for Truth, a willingness to do the hard work to find it, and the courage to look it straight in the eye and deal with it. I am extremely grateful for being the person that I am and I feel I have many ancestors who have paved the way for me both karmically and worldly.

The reality of this hit home a few nights ago as I helped fill water containers (yellow, plastic, usually dirty, in various sizes) from the outdoor kitchen to the “Afritank” which is a huge, black plastic container with a tap that holds their water, and doing so in the dark. Alice (Justin’s wife), told me this is called “incogo” (I maybe mistaken with the spelling) as I placed the full containers up on the top shelf along on wall of the kitchen. When I say kitchen I do not mean it the way most people reading this will likely imagine as it really looks more like a shed. It is made of 4 concrete walls painted a dingy brownish color (in some places), the door leading in has a broken window which no is bothered by and has a few shelves, a sink that does not run or hold water (!), plastic buckets full of all kinds of powdery looking things like flour. There are root vegetables in piles on the floor for cooking and a large sack of dried Eucalyptus leaves stands 4 feet tall over by the small clay pots that are placed on stands which hold the fire for cooking. There is a tiny stove but it is never used as it is too expensive to pay for electricity and a bit of counter space on each wall. I am absolutely amazed by the food that is prepared in this little room! Not only is it well cooked but the variety and the abundance of it is impressive. Something about being a part of this process revealed a new layer to me and the fact that I now live in Rwanda and this is my life began to sink in. I am seeing how all of my experiences in my own life up to this point prepared me for all of this and that this is why I feel so comfortable. Life, for me, is not about my wants and desires and controlling where my life takes me, its about surrendering to what is needed from me and going where I can offer myself. With this comes a trust that I am gathering all that I need along the way to prepare me for the next step.

I grew up with a family that loved to camp, be outdoors and really is able to “rough it”. I learned valuable skills that until more recently didn’t see as skills. I am totally comfortable peeing outdoors, bathing (or not!) with cold water, a bucket and tiny towel. I can cook over a fire and will eat it even if its been dropped on the ground. My experience at the Ashram taught me how to be grateful for whatever I am given and so eating unfamiliar foods, things I do not want to eat or feel are not the best choices for me are taken with a smile and an appreciation for the fact that I have a full stomach. I am able to sleep on or in whatever I am given and am comfortable sharing my bed with strangers if need be, which was the case last week as I shared a bed with Justin’s sister Chantal at the Hotel in Cyangugu. The added element of not speaking the same language didn’t even seem to cause a stir in my emotional core. Yesterday I came home from the pool , where I inadvertently began giving swimming lessons and having races with the locals, to find that someone had been sleeping in or on my bed and that my computer had been used while I was away. In that moment I felt this sense of entitlement come over me. I heard my mind say “I wish they would have asked me first” and my heart began to race out of fear. I felt all kinds of things like violation of my “private space”, disrespect, and  even anger. But because of the work I have been doing on myself and the teachings of the Ashram I was able to sit, feel, let it go and come back to the present moment.

In this present moment, I live in a home that works very, very differently than anywhere I have ever experienced and in a way that I want to embrace. I see the woman here caring for each other, each others babies, sharing beds, sharing food, sharing shoes and clothes, bathing each other and I began to feel a sense of honor. I am honored to be a part of such a beautiful community of woman, in a country where this is the norm. I am honored to be invited into their homes and hearts and to be cared for by them. I am honored that they feel comfortable coming into a space where my things are and using them. I do not really “own” these things, as the second that I am not here they become just things for anyone to use, this is not “my” room, this is not “my” space – it is a community where everything is offered and given with grace and ease.

So again, I ask myself how I manifested this in my life and I am able to answer it easily when I look back at the natural progression that has brought me here. I am well prepared because of all the lives I have lived in this one lifetime. I know that I belong here right now because of how I feel. I am ready to heal on this level. Creating new ways of interacting with people, family and community. Learning to see my worth and ultimately everyone’s innate worth through being a part of a group where every little thing counts. Wether its drying off Abbey after her “Coga” (shower) and dressing her for bed, giving a small massage to Mujah (the housekeeper/nanny, post genocide orphan) at the end of the day, helping someone swim the butterfly a little better, sweeping the cement patio or simply saying “Amakoru Ki?” to people as I pass them – just being here, just being me, willing to offer myself is the healing. It is the life I meant to live. It is love and Love is all you need!