Believe it or not, I like to keep to myself and am very quite most of the time. This journey has allowed me to go deep into my own mind, body and soul to explore who I am but in classic Scorpio style I like to go to extremes (like a Blog that spills all the beans, all the time with no holding back). Those extremes are hitting me hard this week as I am faced with allowing people into my process and am being shown parts of me that I don’t usually look at. Even with conscious self reflections I still get stuck in ruts, patterns and new “old” ways of being, thinking and acting. Allowing others into my life is a vital part of the process.
I have put on some serious blinders in terms of my responsibility to myself and to my potential. All that I have done up to this point, all the extremes included, were necessary and now I am once again faced with my own self created reality. I have these intense “What the Fuck am I doing?” moments and I realize how deep I have gotten myself and how much rebuilding needs to happen in order to get to the place I want to be in this moment.
(Only a few years ago I owned my own home. It had a huge beautiful garden with a fountain and secret “Hammock Haven” that I designed and created as well as built the front deck and window decor. Everything I owned was exactly what I wanted, I never settled, even if it meant 50 trips to the Antique market. Talk about extremes.)
Basically I am being met with the consequences of my actions over the last 4 years and also seeing the doors that are there to help get me out of this place I now exist within. I live in a world where I want everyone to care about others and give up as much as I am willing to in order to help, which would in turn mean that someone would do the same for me- this is where my EGO comes into play. This is why I feel like it is ok for me to not own anything and not have a job to support myself but this is NOT the world that I actually live in, it is not reality. Although I have a large community of people that have helped me get to this point and have solidified my belief in community and the innate goodness within us all, it is now time for me to become one of the supporters and that means I need to step up my game.
Ego is a very powerful part of all of us and it can be a wonderful tool. I have experienced, with myself, mostly something known as “Reverse Ego”, which basically means that I can out do anyone with how “worse off” I am in my life and that is how I would get the attention that I crave at a very deep level to sooth a lack of Self-Love. It used to be around schooling, then debt, then health, then what I gave up to heal myself. Now I am at a place where I use the volunteering, humanitarian work to make myself look…… well……more selfless lets say. I am talking about really subtle layers here, not conscious choices at the time.
Ultimately it comes down to Fear. Fear of my own potential, my responsibility as this Human Being and of my own Power. As I allow people into my life to support me and push me, I get to see this fear more clearly and I am faced with my deepest fear – my Self. Today was no exception, thank you Bunny!
I am afraid to go back into Nursing because I am afraid of myself, actually of how I care for myself. I watch as I give, give, give to others. Even now and even while doing what I feel is my calling, I still see how I put my own needs last in many cases and being dependent on others only makes that worse.
I tell others to always do what’s best for them and yet here I am a talented, strong, capable, creative woman with a Degree, many certifications and certificates to hang on the wall and I have no money, no home, and hardly any clothes?? What the heck? What am I trying to prove and to who, because honestly no one really sees the point – not even myself anymore! The story is old, worn out and I’m bored of hearing myself talk about it.
This has now become my “M.O”, my schpeel (sp?), my lifeline, my hook to capture the attention I seek from others. I don’t want to be a pity party and I don’t want to be “Debbie Downer”. So I need to ask myself some hard questions and be real very with my answers.
(Art Therapy at the Kikiwak Hotel! This is the drawing of my Fear and me telling it to take a hike! Next step…ceremonial burning!)
Why am I doing this?
Its a habit now. I have let practices that served a purpose in the short term become long term solutions. I need to update what I want, where I am going and what I need. I need to find a balance and support myself so I can support others.
Does it still serve me?
No. It is holding me back. I am holding myself back. I am making an agreement with myself right now to take a step closer to my potential by facing this fear by re-entering into parts of my past that once were wounded. I now trust that I am Healed enough to do it in a way that will not only protect me but also elevate me to new heights.
Is this who/how I want to be?
No. I want to own my life and live it to the fullest. Take away all the pressure to be perfect, take away the games, judgements and the tricks to gain approval. I just want to be me. I am the only one holding the keys to my reality.
Is this what I want?
No. What I want is to open up to all parts of myself and enjoy all that I get to offer. I am a great Nurse, always have been and now I am equip to handle the environment in a new way, this is a great way to practice Practical Yoga! I can use this skill, Nursing, to facilitate my business and to support my creative needs as a Human, Artist and Humanitarian. I do not lose everything that I gained from my experiences since leaving the profession or any of my other qualities if I choose to do something that earns me a salary that can facilitate the life I want. If anything, I lose those qualities if I don’t do this. This is a major tool that I have in my hand and it can do myself and others a lot of service. I need to do this for myself.
What’s stopping me?
Self-Love. More layers of Self-worth and Love are at the roots of these next steps. I know that when I take the steps the Love will be revealed to me. If I don’t, then I will not see it or feel it. I know its there because it is what I am made of, all of us are of the same cloth -Love.
(This is what Self-Love looked like at age 27, the year I began to emerge as my true self! http://www.amysenecal.com)
This healing journey has taken me on a path that has lead me out of the pack, but this does not mean that I am better than anyone else or that I can’t relate or live in the world as it is now. I do not want to be separate. Underneath all the searching is a desire to understand all of us, to know how to be ONE. I ventured on a journey into understanding human kind and what I found was that we are all the same. I have detached myself somehow and now I am aware that I need more connection and to do that I have to let people in. Here there is fear.
This feels like a very big step as I have been extremely cautious about who and what I let into my life over the past 4 years, with a few mistakes along the way that clearly lead me back to my path. I kept my world fairly small and selective. As I bravely enter into a life that not only puts me back in the it bigger picture but also back on track with my destiny.
Am I ready for my Destiny?
YES and it’s pretty clear what the next step is!
(The North Saskatchewan River. Taken as I walked across the bridge from Opaskwayak Cree Nation to the Town of The Pas. Beautiful!)