Month: July 2013

Waking up to what seems like an empty house and walking out of my room to find, as I do every morning, breakfast waiting for me. There is hot water for tea, white bread, 3 bananas, 2 passions fruits and 1 tree tomato. I have been perpetually full since arriving here, the diet is very heavy in starches like potatoes, pasta, rice, plantains, fried foods and meat. So a breakfast of  Africa tea (ichai) suits me just fine. What started off as a usual morning quickly changed, as the babies realized I was awake which means they are by my side as much as possible, well at least the 2 1/2 year Abbey is. After making a huge mess on the carpet, we eat in the living room, with banana and bread crumbs we moved to the outside area and found Mujah (the nanny). I am greeted by her every morning with a huge smile, a giggle and a hand up in the air awaiting the high 5, followed by a hug on the left, a hug on the right and  another on the left, then another shake of the hand which is like a “we’re about to arm wrestle” kind of grip! I love it. I love the ritual of it all and that everyone, acknowledges everyone at every encounter with presenting at least an open palm, face up hand and sometimes just laying their arm out for you to grab anywhere you like!

 

 

We spent some time peeling potatoes, singing, playing with my computer and then I introduced her to iphoto on my MAC which was an absolute hit! I have had many a gut busting laugh-a-thons with friends and family (see below) on iphoto and this was no exception. I thought at first she was freaked out, her faced looked like she had no idea what she was seeing and then she started to laugh and dance and have a great time with it. Again I realized that I do not need to do anything to bring joy or happiness, I simply need to take the time to share what is real in my life and my world. It was obvious that sharing something fun with Mujah and Abbey was a great way to lighten day, bring a whole lot of laughter to our day and when I hear that Abbey has been talking about what we do together all day to her family, I know its because I am having an impact on her life just as she is on mine.

 

 

And there are many, many more where these came from!!

 

 

What I am starting to come into is a place of comfort, relaxation and acceptance of my reality. I accept that I have little money but I still need to spend some in order for the process of discovering what it is I am doing here. I accept that I am in a completely new country that feels very, very new to me and I do have a bit of fear about going too far from home or just heading out for the day with no destination. I accept that I need time to adjust and that time often feels or my mind tries to tell me that it feels like, I am not doing anything or enough or the wrong thing, but I just sit back and watch it, ride it out and come back to reality which means reminding myself – “ahh Hello, you moved to a new country where you don’t speak the language, don’t really know anyone, have no idea what skills you are going to be asked to use, no real clear path for a job……” and that usually helps me come to some kind of place of compassion for myself! Reality check, what I am doing is not an easy task and I am doing amazing, all things considered.

When I think of my life pre-ashram, I remember lists – lots and lots of lists, always planning, checking, organizing, scheduling, checking off things, all of which I see now were an attempt to feel like I had some kind of control in my life. I was not an “A” type personality but I still put a lot of pressure on myself to do things, and when I didn’t I would beat myself up mentally, telling myself I was a loser for not being able to do all of it, not having enough time and not working hard enough. I would blame myself and tell myself I was too lazy, good for nothing. It felt really good to accomplish things and really, really bad when I didn’t. Lists are not the culprit here and neither is being organized, I love those qualities about myself, it was the mental chatter that had to stop. So not only did I stop making lists, I stopped planning my life. I let go completely of the idea that I could actually organize life all the time the way I wanted it and plan how things were going to be – I did this when I realized that I was not in control at all of anything in my life other than my mind. When I learned to control my mind, which is a constant battle but one that I am winning, I learned to stop beating myself up and instead  can be compassionate, more realistic and more open to the flow of my own Divine spirit. Now I live life in the present moment, free to change plans last minute if it doesn’t feel right while still be a committed person. Making the commitment to come to Rwanda was part of the flow and offered me the challenge to focus on one thing while still living my ideals.

(As I looked for a photo to put in here to depict this pre-ashram, “Lister” personality, I realized that all of my photos show me looking very free, very flowy and often full of Joy, even when I was ill. I began to wonder what it was I was looking for, something straight laced, uptight and angry…well here’s the thing it was all in my mind and while there are obvious differences in my physical appearance that reflect to me what I was going through at the time, there will be no pictures of me being anything other than who I was allowing  myself to show the world which was always shiny, bright, happy and joyful. This was also part of the problem but what this exercise is allowing me to see that my spirit was very strong and bright. There is something in these photos that I cannot deny is very real and that is my spirit, it wasn’t broken – was that all in my mind too?)

Today that spirit of free flowing life lead me to so many wonderful things, including what I spoke of above , like  dancing and singing with Abbey, having baby Kenny fall asleep in my arms while we had some quite time, a good talk with Alice (Abbey and Kenny’s mama), helping cook dinner, and going to my first traditional Rwandan dance class with a man I was introduced to via Mary Jo from Santa Barbara, Gilbert. Gilbert is a very sweet, gentle, kind spirit who has a very firm belief in God and in love. He told me so many things today that I found not only inspiring but also very true to me as well. He has great talent, a generous heart and wants to make a difference in the lives of the children that he teaches dance to for me. His class practiced the traditional dance of the Twas tribe today and I was able to join in. Right away he said “slow down, you need to feel it!” This is how I find my next steps and how life unfolds – try something, feel it and see what happens. Riding home behind a small Rwandan man on a Moto, feeling so wonderfully free and looking out over the hills bathed by the sunset, I said to myself “Wow! This is beautiful!” and I meant – LIFE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I first ended my engagement and had the prospect of a new life in front of me so many woman had the same response – “You are so lucky, you can just start all over and do whatever you want to. You are free!” At the time, having been through breakups before I knew it was true to an extent but there is always the wading period in between one thing and the next where it feels very scary and shaky. Once I find my feet I am fine. Back then that usually meant finding a new man. When I took that out of the equation it felt even more shaky because that was the old fall back, that was what I was looking for  right? A man to complete me. Now as I am on this road of transformation and I have realized for myself how powerful it is to be alone I no longer feel like I am in need of anything to complete me, I am whole on my own. This took a long time to realize and is very hard to explain to people, especially in a culture where you are meant to marry and have babies.

The other night there were friends over for dinner and one of them asked me “Why did your mom have you?” That was an interesting question and one I though could better be answered by my mother herself but what they meant was- your mother had you so that you could be a mother, that is the purpose of your life. I have never been one of those girls who always knew she wanted to have babies but I have always loved babies.

The other day I had Justin’s little baby boy Kenny Joesph on my back in the kitchen and it was such a wonderful feeling. They simply put the child on their backs, lean over and put a sheet around them both and tuck it in like you would a towel after you’ve had a shower, stand up straight and do the same to the bottom. The babes love it and spend hours there, tucked into the backside of the woman’s heart. This is the exact place that I have been intentionally working with healing through breath, acupuncture and reflection for about 6 months, so when I noticed that it was the exact place that the babies lay their heads  I knew I needed to put one on my back ASAP! Now any chance I get – baby goes on my back!

What I was wanting to communicate today was more along the lines of what I day in the life of a free, wandering, yogini really looks like. People also often say that it must be great to have the life I have now, so free of responsibility and just going where the wind takes me. Sometimes it is just that easy, that free, that wonderful  but there is also the reality of getting to that place and allowing it to happen which takes a lot of patience, trust and self-love. Not everyone says or thinks positive things about how I live my life and it is because I have the life I have that I can fully take the time to process the emotions that arise when things like that happen, and they do. Also the the simple act of living creates opportunities for conflict both internal and external. One small event can be my main focus for days or even weeks. It is because I give it my full attention, and my intention is to feel what is happening, work with the energy and move it out of my body. I do not want any residual sludge left over in my body causing me pain and I certainly don’t want to react from old patterns of being, I want to respond with Love.  This is the learning. This is the growth. This is the work I have to do to heal and it works (for me).

I know from experience that this can be a long, lonely, difficult to explain, and painful experience and at times it seems to  happen alot. When my body feels heavy, my mind feels full, my heart ripped open and sometimes all I can do is be still and watch. This can mean that even if I am in a magical place like Santa Barbara with the beach and dolphins only 5 mins away – I spent 5 days in my apartment being silent, nurturing myself, feeding my soul and giving myself the space I need. This does not sound like the fantasy that those woman who were so excited about my new found freedom were thinking of but for me it is what I know I need to do to have those wonderful moments. By honoring what is needed in the moment I allow the energy to pass through and I am lighter, happier and more clear from old baggage making the next moment even more wonderful!

So as I slept away a few days processing all that happened with the group here in Rwanda and now as I enter into a phase of dealing with transition into living in Kigali and what that will look like,  I need to honor  all of the small steps that will eventually make up a wonderful experience. Taking time to be grateful for each and every moment and trusting completely that whatever I am doing, if I am doing with awareness is exactly what I am meant to do. Wether its in my room watching a movie, on a “Moto” going out on my own for the first time, sitting in silence, making connections, sending emails, feeling sadness, being at the pool, washing clothes by hand or carrying a sweet baby on my back – they are all pieces to the puzzle of my life and I enjoy not knowing what the final picture will look like, that is the gift awaiting me at the end of my journey!

Lyrics from theme song to Being Erica by Lily Frost:

It’s clearer inside of me
Who I will always be
Here at the core of my heart
Mystics & cynics & crystals & memories
Beginning to line up the stars
Shining the light in the night
Raising the veil from my eye
Cause of my strength
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted to be…
Here I am this is me where Ill be
In the dark [&] in the light [&] in the wrong in the right…
Karma is energy Give me my destiny
Everything happens for a reason
Every choice that I make
Changes the course I take
Won’t be afraid when I make mistakes
Open my arms & give in
Do it all over again
Do it all over
Again & again,
To get to the end
Of who I am now.
I’m gonna find the answers &
Yes I know how
I know I can win
Some of my dreams
& everything I ever wanted
& everything I ever wanted
To be
Here I am
This is me
Who am I?
Wait & see…

“Fibromyalgia” rears its head, although I do not subscribe to the western medicine approach to diagnosis, this is the term used in this thinking for the symptoms I felt today. Over the last 3 years I have been watching how an emotionally upsetting event can create the same or very similar reactions in my body. It is like an experiment and I am always recording either mentally, in my journal or at times even on graphs on my computer. As I process the emotions that arise the symptoms disappear. This is in part, how I came to the understanding that my body was telling me that I needed to deal with my emotions in the moment, any unresolved issues would remain trapped inside my body. I began to see my body as a tool, a very smart tool.

Ultimately after 30 years of not dealing with or not expressing my true emotions about certain events my body literally shut down, stopped moving all together. Wether it was going unconscious during a staff meeting with full mental abilities in tack (strange and hard to explain but very real) or lying frozen on my couch after barely making it home in cab from work, my body was trying to tell me to change.

Again, my experiences are my reality and there is nothing that anyone can say or do to me that will make me doubt that I am doing the right thing for me in my life.  As another layer of support is removed from my life and I allow my body to process the pain that physically manifests as the letting go of illusions continues to play out making room for more light. So happy to be getting it out of my body, mind and spirit. I welcome the pain as it exits and send it out with as much gratitude and compassion as I possibly can in the moment. Realizing today that the healing is still a very real reality for me on many levels and that I am here to receive the gifts of love and support that this wonderful family, culture, people and country has to offer me, not necessarily the other way around. I came here as a next step in my own healing and it is becoming more clear as to the magnitude of what that really means…

A wonderful night of celebrating family and friends, speaking french, cooking food, babies and children and creating a new foundation for my life! Just some of the many blessings Rwanda offers me daily!

 

 

 

So much happens in such a short period of time, even with very limited movement from my room over the last week! I wake up every morning to the sounds of a family that has embraced me so warmly and openly. The singing, the joyful laughter, the calls of baby Joeseph and the little feet of Abbey (seen in photo above), the voices of new people that have come to visit and  even slept over from the night before. All of this happening in a language that I don’t understand and with an energy like nothing else I have experienced. My first impression is one of disbelief for this being my life and how awesome this experience really is. How did I manifest living with a local Rwandan family? How am I so lucky to be living life exactly how I want to be? The answer for me is a deep desire for Truth, a willingness to do the hard work to find it, and the courage to look it straight in the eye and deal with it. I am extremely grateful for being the person that I am and I feel I have many ancestors who have paved the way for me both karmically and worldly.

The reality of this hit home a few nights ago as I helped fill water containers (yellow, plastic, usually dirty, in various sizes) from the outdoor kitchen to the “Afritank” which is a huge, black plastic container with a tap that holds their water, and doing so in the dark. Alice (Justin’s wife), told me this is called “incogo” (I maybe mistaken with the spelling) as I placed the full containers up on the top shelf along on wall of the kitchen. When I say kitchen I do not mean it the way most people reading this will likely imagine as it really looks more like a shed. It is made of 4 concrete walls painted a dingy brownish color (in some places), the door leading in has a broken window which no is bothered by and has a few shelves, a sink that does not run or hold water (!), plastic buckets full of all kinds of powdery looking things like flour. There are root vegetables in piles on the floor for cooking and a large sack of dried Eucalyptus leaves stands 4 feet tall over by the small clay pots that are placed on stands which hold the fire for cooking. There is a tiny stove but it is never used as it is too expensive to pay for electricity and a bit of counter space on each wall. I am absolutely amazed by the food that is prepared in this little room! Not only is it well cooked but the variety and the abundance of it is impressive. Something about being a part of this process revealed a new layer to me and the fact that I now live in Rwanda and this is my life began to sink in. I am seeing how all of my experiences in my own life up to this point prepared me for all of this and that this is why I feel so comfortable. Life, for me, is not about my wants and desires and controlling where my life takes me, its about surrendering to what is needed from me and going where I can offer myself. With this comes a trust that I am gathering all that I need along the way to prepare me for the next step.

I grew up with a family that loved to camp, be outdoors and really is able to “rough it”. I learned valuable skills that until more recently didn’t see as skills. I am totally comfortable peeing outdoors, bathing (or not!) with cold water, a bucket and tiny towel. I can cook over a fire and will eat it even if its been dropped on the ground. My experience at the Ashram taught me how to be grateful for whatever I am given and so eating unfamiliar foods, things I do not want to eat or feel are not the best choices for me are taken with a smile and an appreciation for the fact that I have a full stomach. I am able to sleep on or in whatever I am given and am comfortable sharing my bed with strangers if need be, which was the case last week as I shared a bed with Justin’s sister Chantal at the Hotel in Cyangugu. The added element of not speaking the same language didn’t even seem to cause a stir in my emotional core. Yesterday I came home from the pool , where I inadvertently began giving swimming lessons and having races with the locals, to find that someone had been sleeping in or on my bed and that my computer had been used while I was away. In that moment I felt this sense of entitlement come over me. I heard my mind say “I wish they would have asked me first” and my heart began to race out of fear. I felt all kinds of things like violation of my “private space”, disrespect, and  even anger. But because of the work I have been doing on myself and the teachings of the Ashram I was able to sit, feel, let it go and come back to the present moment.

In this present moment, I live in a home that works very, very differently than anywhere I have ever experienced and in a way that I want to embrace. I see the woman here caring for each other, each others babies, sharing beds, sharing food, sharing shoes and clothes, bathing each other and I began to feel a sense of honor. I am honored to be a part of such a beautiful community of woman, in a country where this is the norm. I am honored to be invited into their homes and hearts and to be cared for by them. I am honored that they feel comfortable coming into a space where my things are and using them. I do not really “own” these things, as the second that I am not here they become just things for anyone to use, this is not “my” room, this is not “my” space – it is a community where everything is offered and given with grace and ease.

So again, I ask myself how I manifested this in my life and I am able to answer it easily when I look back at the natural progression that has brought me here. I am well prepared because of all the lives I have lived in this one lifetime. I know that I belong here right now because of how I feel. I am ready to heal on this level. Creating new ways of interacting with people, family and community. Learning to see my worth and ultimately everyone’s innate worth through being a part of a group where every little thing counts. Wether its drying off Abbey after her “Coga” (shower) and dressing her for bed, giving a small massage to Mujah (the housekeeper/nanny, post genocide orphan) at the end of the day, helping someone swim the butterfly a little better, sweeping the cement patio or simply saying “Amakoru Ki?” to people as I pass them – just being here, just being me, willing to offer myself is the healing. It is the life I meant to live. It is love and Love is all you need!

 

 

 

I watch my mind tell me that I need to get up and help, be happy and smiley, be social and all kinds of other things to make myself feel worthy of this gift of a wonderful home full of love, family, food and warmth. I quickly am able to put that aside as I realize the magnitude of the experience I just had with the group and how emotionally I am exhausted which in turn feels like physical exhaustion, they are not two separate things for me. Giving myself the time I need to recuperate and process all that has happened over the last 2 weeks is vital to learning and growing from these experiences. If I do not take the time to rest and listen to my body I will be doing the same things that ultimately led me down a road of dis-ease, kaos, and unrest in my body and in my life. It starts small but every time I catch the old ways of thinking, being and feeling in action I am reminded of where it leads and it makes it VERY easy to say listen. In that moment I am able love and honor my higher self and the reality of my human needs.

After a few days of feeling utterly exhausted I decided to look into getting some much needed rejuvenation in the form of massage, pool, steam and sauna. Lucky for me I discovered these types of places are all over and there is one 5 mins away by foot, so no more need for a 5 star hotel. I have an amazing relaxation hot spot just around the corner. I spent the afternoon there going from cold pool to sauna to the pool to the steam  room and also had probably the best massage I have ever had, all for the bargain price of 8000 RWF ($12 US).

It is no coincidence to me that I have access to this wonderful place as I know how I thrive and how to make that happen. I really had discarded the idea of water being a part of my time here in Rwanda but am more than pleasantly surprised by the apparent abundance and affordability of it. I feel as though the universe has guided me to this exact place and is looking out for my needs. I also found out today that there is a Canadian woman living in the house next to me. I can feel the moment building in terms of next steps being revealed and my heart is drawing me closer to finding a volunteer position at one of the orphanages in town but I will continue to be patient and see what happens next.

A pleasant surprise for me on my way home was seeing Bosco (our Bus driver for the group trip) and his nephew walking towards me, they were on their way to see me at the pool! It felt surreal to look up and see a familiar face on my first solo excursion away from home and Bosco’s sweet smile was a very welcome surprise. They took me out to a local bar for bruchette (meat on a stick) and I had my first, and much anticipated, ride on a “moto” which is a motorcycle taxi service here in Rwanda. It was as much fun as I thought it would be! More of Bosco’s family met us at “Papa Guiness” and I got to be a part of some very interesting conversation surrounding the fact that I am single and have no children. Apparently it is common here to have many wives, (unless someone is pulling my leg!) and it is much sought after to have a baby with a white woman to produce a “Milato” baby. Oh the things you learn when you begin to really become emersed  in the culture! It was a fun time and I felt much more able to handle the type of conversation and comments that were coming my way.

I also had another experience with a young man at one of the local night clubs that Justin took me to after saying farewell to the second half of the group at the airport on Saturday night. The local people love to dance and I was pleasantly surprised to see more men on the dance floor than woman, by about 9-1. They have got some serious moves and they love the fact that as a “mazungu” I can bust out some awesome moves as well. So far I have received a lot of high 5’s, fist blasts and people eager to copy me on the dance floor! But a new experience is the insane hip and butt movement that they can pull off seemingly with incredible ease BUT the part that I appreciate the most is that even though this could be seen as an incredibly sexual movement and in North America be labeled as “Slutty” moves on the dance floor, it isn’t here. It just is what it is, a movement to the rhythm of the music and a deep part of the culture. I love that because for me dancing and sexuality have always gone hand in hand until recently when I discovered that dancing is a way for me to channel energy in general, not just sexual. Movement of the human body can have functions other than to sexual attraction and this lesson took me years to really embody.

For me the experience of simply allowing a man to come and but his hands on me was powerful enough but then to add movement like that plus the fact that the men are extremely good looking and it was quite an experience. For me, being a sexual being has always been a fearful, shameful, angry and manipulative thing that I was never comfortable with and found many ways in my life with which to mask those feelings, feelings which were put on me by my family, not feelings that I actually knew to be true. I went to extremes in order to be able to even talk about sex in my family and found myself portraying an image that was as far from what was real for me as I think I could possibly get. This path even lead me down some extremely painful choices in life as well including having major impacts on my career decisions.

Now that I feel like a certain amount of healing has taken place in this area I am able to experience sexuality in a whole new way. I have been practicing celibacy for nearly 3 years now and have no intention to change that but what this practice offers me most is the opportunity to experience sex in a whole new way. A way that feels more authentic to me. I get to see how I feel about things now with a new perspective, one that is not out of societal or familial expectations or limitations. I can now watch myself in different situations and experience my emotions and feelings and then make choices based on the present moment.

In this case, having an attractive, young black man put his arms firmly around me and feeling myself stop breathing out of fear momentarily and then making a conscious choice to relax, feel, breath and connect. Because I have clear boundaries for myself and the situation, I no longer feel like a victim in that moment and know that I can choose to stay or to go. I chose to stay and accept the healing that was there for me from a simple embrace. All of this on the tail end of receiving a letter from the RCMP stating that charges will not be filed against the man who sexually assaulted me. Thankfully for me I have come to a place of understanding in my life that the Universe gives me many opportunities for growth and I can choose to see the learning in everything. My response to this letter only proves to me further that I am healing as I was able to simply feel the emotion of disappointment and then move on.

Over the last 3 days I have had so many opportunities to see my own personal growth and it is apparent to me that I am really comfortable with who I am right now, “No matter where you go, there you are!” I am so happy to be the person I am right now and  anything that comes from this experience here in Rwanda is buttercream icing on the red velvet cupcake of my life!