Living in the present moment is a daily challenge and there is no perfection, no time when I will not have influences from the past in my daily life but the work is to notice and choose to live from the lessons of the past in that moment.
I may have met trauma head on during a trial run job interview for a Health Care Aide position but that doesn’t mean that I need to stop moving forward with my healing in regards to Nursing, it simply shows me where I am at so that I can move forward. So I am thankful for the opportunity to see my past so clearly and then to choose to keep on going.
And as I sit here writing this on couch that I spent most of yesterday on, I see that the layers of life are many and the lessons are not a one time thing. The more I grow and learn the more I see through them. It is in these new moments of clear vision that I see new ways of thinking and being in the world.
What I see in this moment is that I have a very hard time caring for and being responsible for myself, seeing as I spent most of life in highly responsible job titles (lifeguard, Nursing) I was able to feel like I was responsible but it was always to other people and not to myself. These roles taught me to put myself last and others needs first.
I have created a familiar situation for myself and this time what I see is my tendency to not believe that I am capable of caring for myself and also not doing the work needed to get me the things I want in life. I understand now that I need to work on the root of this issue, which is Self Love, and begin to see myself as worthy of my own hard work and time which will facilitate more independence.
Responsibility equals Independence.
The focus has to be on me in a new way now, its time to take myself even more seriously and put my skills to the test. As much as I want to help others, I am seeing that ultimately it is me who needs some tough love and to be seen as worthy of my own skills and talents to support myself. Only then can I truly give to others from a selfless place.
Loving myself is a gift to others. I am worth it and so are you.
iamloveinaction.org 
You have proven over and over again how capable you are to do the things you set out to do, You have more strength than most of us, never let anyone tell you differently Amanda!! If this is truley what you want go for it, grab on and take the ride … you are a survivor and an amazing woman!!!