In-Security Secrets Revealed

This morning when I woke up I absolutely knew it was time for me to be in a different space.  I have felt this way for weeks now and wasn’t really listening. After being away for 5 days in a room all to myself, being engaged in the work with Justin  it just doesn’t fit for me to be in this house or this room. This transition is over and a new one has begun.

It feels like a heaviness, a stuck feeling and it usually makes me want to hide. I wake up with no motivation for the day, which is the typical “depressed” response to a life that do not want to be living. I have been waking up in the morning wanting to do my own thing, quietly making my way to the bathroom and sneaking back to my room for hours of undisturbed Yoga practice, dancing and just giving myself time  and space to start the day in the way I want to. It takes time for me to accept that this is not selfish, this what I need. What does feel selfish is the not wanting to engage with the people in the house and that is why it is time to go. I need to be in a space that I choose, that I find comfortable and that provides me with the things that allow me to Thrive. This is something I am capable of giving to myself and by honoring this I show myself Love.

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What feels the most fearful about this process, other than the money part, is the shopping for food. I love to eat simple, barely cooked greens and veggies, grains and fermented foods like saurkraut. I have discovered what makes me feel good physically and mentally and it is not fried banana’s, Fanta and white bread. I am not so sure that this culture has what I consider to be very important in my life and am not that willing to budge on this issue.

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I walk the isles of “supermarkets” that are more like convenient stores, with row after row or processed, packaged foods that I don’t want to even touch never mind put in my body and I wonder what the message is for me here.  Why am I here? Why are my values being so challenged? Why are the things that I have found as “cures” for my disease being taken away from me and/or made very difficult to find? Can I let go of what I believe is the only way I can be healthy and work with what is available in the best possible way? Yes, I can. What it allows me to see is just how much I take it for granted back home, in that I don’t always eat the way I know is good for me even when it is there for me. I will appreciate the abundance in North America when I return and be more passionate about showing myself Love in this area as well.

I have been putting out requests for info on places to rent for a while now and have a few great options opening up. If there is one thing I have learned in the last year especially about transitioning from one place to the next its that I need to go when it feels like its time to go and it is not a bad thing, its a fact. When it feels wrong, it is wrong and that is why I have my life set up this way – to listen and follow through with what I feel. No more 1 year lease rents, no more mortgage, no more permanent work positions all telling me what I had to do every morning when I get up even if it goes against what I know to be true for me. I am no longer stuck in that system and it is a wonderful gift to have given myself but along with it comes uncertainty. Uncertainty in the form of not having the false sense of security anymore that I used to so heavily place on having a home, a job, a car, money,etc.  None of those things are 100% guaranteed just like everything in life. I prefer to live in the space of uncertainty as a way of practicing my ideals and living by truly being guided by every moment in life. No more, oh I wish I could do that but…….Now I am free to act on these feelings, which means I have to act now on this feeling, again as a way to show myself Love.

What it has opened up for me is the ability to feel settled, comfortable and at ease with any situation that I am presented with. I used to be such a homebody, afraid to sleep over at someone’s house, uncomfortable if I didn’t have my pillow with me or that I wouldn’t be able to do things I needed to do to feel safe and secure. All things that really were about control and the fact that I felt out of control emotionally made them all that much more important to me. These security blankets were a way for me to feel safe but they were external, which meant that they could be taken away at any moment. This in itself was a scary thought.

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(Doesn’t that look “safe and secure”!)

I sucked my thumb until I was 25 years old and this was one of the biggest forms of security for me. It was a way for me to feel safe within the environment I was in. I would day dream about being at home with my pillow and sucking my thumb when I was at school, work, or anytime I was not actually doing it! It was all I thought of at times. I was so insecure and it was all I knew as a way to feel calm on the inside. I was ridiculed constantly at home, made fun of, my thumb would be forcefully yanked out of my mouth, my pillow or “thing” would be hidden for days or sometimes lost forever. I was threatened with all kinds of things to make me stop but I couldn’t? How could  I give up the only thing that felt like protection for me? That was a tall order to ask and it was never asked in a very compassionate way or in a way that would make me feel like it was ok to open up and reach out for help in finding a way to feel secure on the inside. Something shifted at 25, on Mother’s Day, and I just knew it was time to stop. I somehow had the feeling that I was strong enough to be on my own, with out the thumb! It took a while to not wake up in the middle of the night with my thumb in my mouth but I really did stop cold turkey that day have not looked back. It took a while for the pillow to loose its draw and now I have very little and get to watch as  I use the limited things I do have  to sooth me during trying times ie: movies, chocolate and chips!

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I am 33 now and when I think that it has only been 8 years since I did that it seems unreal. I am not the type of person that anyone would think of as being insecure, especially the person I am today. It is because of putting myself out there and facing fears that I am where I am in terms of internal strength and it is all worth it when I look back on my life and see how far I have taken myself. I am still moving forward into gaining the self confidence that I know exists within me, within us all really, and every step I take is a step towards embodying what I know to be true. I love myself enough to give myself what I need and sometimes that means  leaping into unknown situations, working with the fear to see what it is really telling me and giving myself a chance to grow. This is how I build the strength to be the person I dream of being inside, there is no fast track or quick route to growth. For me, taking it slowly is how I make the changes real and permanent in myself.  Dreams will come and as I grow they seem to get bigger and bolder than I even thought possible!

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(No in-securities here!)

What this experience also offers me right now is the ability to see what things are really important and what things are not, and when I am using things as a security instead of trusting and believing in my own inner strength.  I am able to give myself the things I NEED to thrive, a few things I WANT and not have a bunch of other junk clouding my path. Living simply does not mean not having, for me it just means knowing why I have, want or need the things I do have and then making my life simply about living the best way I know how.

Much love and thanks to Justin and his family for their support, love, kindness and generosity during the first phase of entering into Rwanda living. I have plans to come visit often and spent time with my new Rwandan family. Now, I am on a mission to remain open to what is next for me in Rwanda and I have enough experience with me to trust that it will be revealed. I am listening.

2 thoughts on “In-Security Secrets Revealed

  1. Very powerful, thanks for sharing Amanda. I am embarking on my own journey. During my last visit at the ashram, I was looking for direction. The second day I received a job offer. In a day and a half I head to Quebec to teach English as an ALT. I’ll be living out of two suitcases again but know I’ll be fine. The ashram helped prepare me. I also wanted to let you know you helped inspire me to start blogging again, thank you.

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