So here it is my first real live Blog post on my own Blog! This is a big step considering I have been pretty anti-technology up until a few months ago. I enjoyed collecting records, tapes and VHS for years, refusing to update myself to modern technology unless I had to. There is a thread that runs through both of these things as well as most of my life and that is FEAR.
It has been there hiding behind things like what I eat, clothes I like to wear, how I cut my hair and wether or not I feel worthy to speak my truth to the world via the internet. Eating familiar foods was only a mask for my fear of trying new things. My clothes representing an image of myself that made me feel safe within the confines of other people’s view of me. My hair wrapped around my face and hung well below that vulnerable place between my shoulder blades as a shield from the judgement of others and myself. My words not being taken seriously even by myself demonstrate my fear of how I will be seen if they know how I really feel.
I fought against my fear by over compensating for it. Taking things “too far”, being the loud one, the one who everyone saw as being able to handle any kind of judgement given with a shrug of the shoulder and a nasty gesture to go with it. This evolved into a being that was so wrapped up in protecting herself from pain that she lost herself completely. I was lost in fear. I lived in this world constantly until finally I just couldn’t do it anymore. I exhausted myself and gave up playing this game of hide and seek. I decided to just come out for everyone to see with my hands up and my heart open. I finally said “NO” and in that moment I regained a tiny spark of my true self. I began to live for me and only me.
I built up enough true inner strength to begin the process of being my true self which I found to be quite calm, quiet, gentle, kind and soft as well as funny, outgoing and so much more but this part of myself that I felt I had to hide away from the world because of the shear harshness of it was ready to emerge. I wanted to change, so I am. I am facing my fears, looking straight at them and walking right up to them and giving them a hug. Once I meet them and see them for what they really are I can be kind to myself and gentle as I process how I will move through them. Loving myself, all of myself, is what has given me strength to keep on doing this day after day after day for more than 3 years.
Shaving my head, selling my VHS and record collections and eating what I am offered with Gratitude have all been small steps as well as giant leaps towards being able to write this today. There is potential for fear everyday, at any moment but its how I see it, deal with it and live it that matters. I use my fear as a catalyst for personal growth now and look forward to the next not-so-scary monster around the corner.
In this very moment, I am facing the reality of the life I have created for myself because of the changes that have come from this process. It feel shaky, fearful and anxious but I have proven to myself so many times the good that comes out of doing this work that I am able to hold onto a bigger sense of trust and faith that I am doing exactly what I am meant to do in this life and that is LIVING.
Living to me means feeling my emotions, expressing them, seeing them as tools to help guide me to true healing and truth for myself and others. Living means taking risks, jumping off emotional cliffs, seeking the truth at all costs and embracing all that comes as a gift. I am grateful for fear because it gives my life purpose, it tells me where to go next, it shows me where the work needs to be done and I love this business of living for my truth. So here it is, my truth, for everyone to read, for anyone to judge, ridicule, mock, embrace, enjoy, love, be inspired by or care less about but most importantly to tell myself I am worthy of self express.